My Nakamas

I've just been gobbling up the entire One Piece series so far and I'm super duper upset that I'm finally reaching the latest chapter and gonna have to wait for each agonising week to pass before the next chapter is released! ARGH..absolutely hates waiting for mangas to be released!

Anyways I am just so loving the entire storyline of One Piece, and the one theme that really touches the most inner core of my being is the theme on Friendship..the entire crew on the ship are so intertwined together that they will die for each other..and like, you dun leave someone behind, but you fight ur ass out to redeem something that has been taken away from the others..they call themselves, NAKAMA.

So I was just checking up on that word and asking sloth chee what does it mean, and I got it..NAKAMA means close friend in Japanese..so close that sometimes we are even closer than to our own family members..

For those who truly know me, friendship is very very important to me..I love all my friends and try to give my 100% in every one of them..I know I'm not perfect, I know I've hurt some of you, I know I've lashed out at some of you, but please know that my friendship to all you guys is from my heart..from the beginning till right now, my friendship is true..if its within my means, I will do anything for anyone of you..

I am utterly disgusted with some people who go into a friendship with a motive..it goes against everything that I believe about friendship, because if you go into a friendship with a MOTIVE - either to spite someone, to gain something from the other person, or simply just wanting to hurt that person - you are not extending a TRUE and HONEST friendship..I cannot understand and forgive how a person can taint the holiness of a friendship that comes from the heart..just get out of my life, I cant stand looking at you anymore.

Back to the topic..so I was thinking, if I had my own pirate ship, who will I bring aboard to be my nakamas? Oh man!! Just this thought alone excites me so..to sail the seas, being free to do whatever we want and enjoying our lives together..wow, my little glimspe of heaven on earth :D

And so, I've decided to put up a list of my nakamas! I truly truly love every single one of you, and I constantly pray for the best for you all! I love you guys!!

(Not in order of ranking because I cannot place a rank on my friends)

(Sorry Ruiz, the only pictures I could find where we took together, we look CRAP! So I decided to post a nice one of you instead hahhaa..see, we need to take more pixies together :D)




Gee, my pirate ship would be preety full I guess! We have had so much fun together, and the future will be better, my nakamas :)

Dear God, from these people, I can see how much You love me so! Thank you, and I love you too!

Lee Holm Craze

I've been on a Lee Holm craze since hearing his new album! 

Recalled the song 两个人不等于我们 which I loved back in sec school..

the lyrics are so beautiful!!

醒来只有我一个人

分不清黄昏或清晨

空气微冷有什么在流逝慢慢降温

一颗心往下沉

毕竟只是太短的梦

彼此终于退回陌生

我加上你两个人并不等于我们

你想我吗 会偶尔想我吗

是这样吗 飞扬的回落下

你爱我吗 如果诚实回答

可是爱也不是解答

空屋子里没有回声

但我记忆有你指纹

我加上你两个人却不等于我们

你想我吗 会偶尔想我吗

是这样吗 飞扬的回落下

你爱我吗 如果诚实回答

可是爱也让人疲乏

你知道吗 我心快要融化

是这样吗 压抑的会爆发

你爱我吗 爱我就董我吗

告诉我善意的谎话

告诉我善于的谎话

好让我相信我不是太傻

So sweet yet sad..ahhhhhhh haizz...

Sweet, yet Bitter, Week

I just thought of a name to put to the week, its called the Sweet, yet, Bitter, Week.

First up, I had the CNY hols which for the first time in the past couple of years, I stayed the whole of the first day at my uncle's house and didn't go out with my friends..Was kinda bored but oh well, I really have nothing much to complain about hanging around my noisy family..It's the first CNY that I kinda spoke to my god-grandmother face to face..Guess growing older gives you more guts to face your relatives..Somehow, I was always rather hesitant to speak to my own family members..Maybe its the "children are supposed to be seen but never heard" mentality that my parents drilled into me since I was a kid..I got used to just sitting there but never talking much..Its amazing how things from ur childhood will shape the way you think and act in future..

Second day of CNY was spent with cg, or rather, who could make it from cg..Had breakfast at westmall with noisy family again before heading over to adel's house..Watched kite runner, which wasn't as nice nor as tear-inducing as I had expected it to be, and played the malaysian version of Monopoly, which btw, is TOTALLY screwed up..The allocation of resources, the money you paid to get out of jail, and the pricing of the lands made no sense at all and we attributed all these nitty-gritty to them being, well, being malaysians haha..

Gosh, I absolutely love public holidays..You have no idea the significance of a public holiday till you go out and work! The first thing I did when I received the 2009 calendar was so scour the entire year and figure out when the holidays were..Its like the little sabbath after so many agonising weeks in the office..So God, thank you for these two public holidays which made the last week of January 2009 that much shorter :)

Up next..The absolutely sweetest thing about the week would fall on Thursday, which is tomorrow! Because, I will be meeting the sji guys after work for a time of dinner and catching up! How I miss them so :D Can't wait can't wait!!! Man, those boys have really grown up! I rmb some of them being shorter, or not that much taller than me, but when I saw them during corporate prayer meet, man, they have really shot up!! I am the shortest among them now!!! Sad..

Another sweet thing about the week would be my meeting up with Cheong Wynnie on friday! It's kinda bittersweet because on one hand, I'm really looking forward to it, yet on the other, I'm not too because my dear friend will be flying back to brissy that day..I kinda regret that so many stupid things happened during the time you are back that we didn't have much time to catch up..so in a way, I am really looking forward to friday to share life before you zoom off and the next time I will see you again is in May..Sighs..Somehow, I've started to miss you already..

So, thats kinda sums up my sweet, yet bitter, weak because of all the things that have happened or are going to happen..The final touch would have to be my meeting up with Tamar on friday for dinner and a time for just the two of us..

The week's been going well preety far..Even right now, Mr Lee and me are the only two people in office and its been a preety slack day..Great time of crapping, talking kok, irritating our frenly adalini kuah and just, enjoying this day that the Lord has made..

Ok, time to slog for 1 more hour and its time to knock off!! 

My loyal loves

They who will never leave me nor forsake me when I need to rant hahah..

My loyal and most trusted listeners, those whom will never ever share my secrets with anyone but only among themselves.

I love you Ginny, Hermie, Collin and Sherlyn!

Romance

For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Isa 41:13

God, you are so romantic :)

The Living Masterpiece

As I walked from the station to my house yesterday night, many thoughts and feelings were running through my mind..there's always something special about the night, some magic dust that god spinkled to open up conversations and widen our hearts for intimacy..

I looked up to the sky and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was clear night with a few stars dotting the black landscape..as I walked along the path to my house, I felt the strong winds around me and heard the rustle of the leaves as the winds caress each leaf while passing through them..

It must be God then, for when I took notice of what song was playing on my ipod..I realised that I was hearing to "Always" by Hillsongs..and somehow that day, the lyrics seemed to come alive in conjunction with my emotions and thoughts..

Did you rise the sun for me?
Paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty.
Was your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I know marked with my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You

Cos all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close, in Your arms,
Oh God, I wana be with You
I wana be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am just to have You capture me again
Let the Earth resound with praise,
Can You hear as all creation lives to glorify one name?

Jesus, Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You

Cos all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close, in Your arms,
Oh God, I wana be with You
I wana be with You

I walked into my compound while humming that song..asking God to move me into a deeper level of intimacy with Him, that I might know His likes, His dislikes, His loves, His hobbies and everything of Him..and for reasons I didnt know why, I glanced up at the sky again.

And there right in front of me, was an explosion of sparkling dots that was invisible just minutes ago..Unable to take in the awesomeness in just one glance, I stopped in my tracks, in front of the playground and simply gazed at the splendor of it all..

Did you paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?

Masterpieces are usually just objects..paintings, music, pottery, sculpture etc..but my heavenly artist is the only one who creates living masterpieces.

Where else can you find a canopy of white shimmering dots that come together against a black canvas to form various constellations, shapes, and lines to form a piece of art?

Where else can you find an arrangement of chiping crickes, belting bullfrogs, rustling leaves, the rare moments of silence and the sound of a human foot against the hard concrete to form a beautiful symphony that no one else can replicate?

In that moment, I realise how precious I was in my Beloved's eyes..that He will call forth the stars from their their heavenly dens to unveil their most glorious form, JUST for me :)

Day by day, I am beginning to understand You a little bit more.

God my..

Jehova Rapha - The Lord my Healer

Jehova Shalom - The Lord my Peace

Jeremiah 31: 18-19
"I have surely heard Ephraim's moaning:
'You disciplined me like an unruly calf,
and I have been disciplined.
Restore me, and I will return,
because you are the LORD my God.

After I strayed,
I repented;
after I came to understand,
I beat my breast.
I was ashamed and humiliated
because I bore the disgrace of my youth.'

I will trust in the Lord my God, for he is my healer, my peace and my restorer :)

Reminder for the day

Something that I've been chewing on for the past couple of days:

Grace and mercy cannot be expected.

It is freely given as and when the other party wills to. 

Lord, I am utterly grateful :)

Thank you for your forgiveness, friend. 

Romancing Love

Romance is the deepest thing in life.

It is deeper even than reality. 

- G.K. Chesterton

Probably why so many people do foolish things in the name of Love. 

I am one such fool.  

Family

Just got news that there will be over 30 people coming over to my house for reunion this sunday.

I love big families, cos there will be a lot of noise :)

Grace and Mercy

Mercy: Not receiving what you deserve
Grace: Receiving what you do not deserve

Today, I experienced that in quite a heartbeat-stopping way.

I am one blessed gurl :)

Thank you Lord, for your Grace.

My friends

Took leave yesterday to do my part as a member of the ANG family and helped paint some parts of the house..after which, went to meet y-budd for our once in a while gathering..

I really loved our gathering yesterday, somehow it seems like all of us have really grown in a, really good way haha..we haven been meeting up for almost a year, yet conversations, arguments, insults, debates, affirmation and what nots flow easily and freely among us..it is rather thought-provoking when I noted that our topics of conversation have vastly changed throughout the years..

Although I had to make the long trip down to Old Airport Road and back to Yew Tee, but I guess every minute of that travelling was preety much worth it :) 

I thought about everything that has been happening to and around me lately, I thought of the emotional rollar coaster that I had been experiencing, yet when I glanced at Jacq happily munching on her yam paste, Jasmine laughing and screaming her head off, Dewen unceasingly reprimanding Junyao for eating too much..and I felt, at peace. 

Thank you my friends, for not forcing me to tell  you what happened, but being there to make me smile with ur presence and laugh at our stupidity. 

On the way back, I glanced up to the night sky and located Orion's Belt shimmering as they have always been..and I just casually remarked to Dewen and Jacq how amazing it was that here I am at Kallang and I can see Orion's Belt and when I travel back to smelly Yew Tee, I will see the same Orion's Belt shimmering down at me..it just really reminds me of how awesome God is, to have created something so beautiful that I can enjoy freely anywhere on this planet..

When I consider your heaves,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which you have set in place.

what is man that you are mindful of him,

the son of man that you care for him?

You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings,

and crowned him with glory and honour. 

Psalm 8:3-5

Through yesterday's gathering, I am more convicted that I am a SUPER relational being..one who feeds on other's energies, and one who gets renewed and recharged when I'm in the presence of god-centered friends whom I love with all my heart and soul..guess this is how God created me haha.  

I told you so

Was talking to Shai the other day when I found out that she had just come back from a game of Left 4 Dead with her cg mates..

Me: YOU? play games?!
Shai: Yup..my cg wanted to play and I wanted to be with them so played also. But I didn't like it. Keep dying and was very disturbed by the killing scenes. Why do you like to play!
Me: Oh, I don't play Life 4 Dead yet, I play more of Dota now.
Shai: What's that?
Me: It's like you work in a team of 5 characters to kill the other team of 5. Very stressful, cos you need teamwork, and if one member screws up, can cause the whole team to die.
Shai: Oh! Sounds better. And its spiritual also.

Shai: Your team is as strong as your weakest player. Like cg.

SEE!

I told you Dota was a biblical game :D

Actions and consequences

There are so many emotions and thoughts going through me that I try, unsuccessfully on certain occasions, to suppress until I reached the solace of my own room. 

As I stare at this screen, wondering what I may pen down that may try to allay the concerns of my friends, I've come to realise that there is nothing, that might make me feel better. 

Nothing, except to submerge myself totally into the grace of God, and pray constantly that He is still the one in control. 

I've learnt one thing though. I've tried to take the reins from God, believing I've watched and observed Him enough to be able to take care of certain issues in my own life. Yet, the more I tried, the more of a mess I seem to make. And I ended up hurting not only myself, but others as well. 

The sense of guilt overwhelms me at times, and I do not know what else to do except to apologize to those whom I've unwillingly hurt, and pray that I didn't wreck anything so badly that it might take years for God to repair them. Although I want so much to try and rectify the wrongs I made, I now know better than to rely on my own strength and intelligence, which might potentially end up making matters worse than they already are.  

I've strayed from God, did certain things and said certain stuff that were not edifying nor God-glorifying. I haven't been a biblical sister, nor a good friend at all. Through the months, I've come to realise that I've somehow numbed out God's voice, and it was eating into my very being. 

So, I decided to do something about it. Choosing to put my foot down, to turn away from something so dear and intertwined in my life was really heart-wrenching, and I do not need to explain nor reason out why I had to do it. The fact of the matter is, I chose to go back being Jinqi again, to stay true to myself and to God. 

God has always loved me as I was, reassuring me with His peace whenever I prayed through certain decisions in my life. Through the years, the knowledge and understanding of how God loves me for myself has given me a quiet sense of contentment, gratitude and confidence that has enveloped my life, blessing me in every area and every situation. 

And so, when I made this decision, I knew God smiled down from Heaven, because I went back to being the one and only Jinqi He knew, and loved completely. I am right in the eyes of my beloved Father, and this is where I wana stay.

The emotions and guilt that engulf me now are consequences that follow the course of my actions, and these are what I have to own up to and face, praying fervently that I will be able to withstand this period with God's grace and mercy. So, pray with me dear friends, I will walk out of this stronger and much much more God-centered :) But do still avail yourself when I really feel a need to rant ok?

One day, maybe I will look back at this incident and laugh. 

Time

I guess I've been through this more than enough times to know that the pain will subside after a while.

Haha, it seems to get brighter with each passing day :)

Meet me up friends!

Once again,

Crying is such a tiring activity.

Sighs.

I did it

I finally did it.

I will post it up again when everything's out and settled. 

To all my leaders and friends who have helped me,

I love you guys so much. Thanks for accepting me although I've been so ugly. 

Jiayou Jinqi :)

To the brim

It's the new year, my reflections for 2009 are coming up soon. Haven got time to sit down and tink thru them properly yet.

Right now, there are many many things going on in my mind. Feels like I'm going to burst if I don't share them to someone soon. I need someone to listen to my rants, yet, I feel that this is not worth bothering my friends for. 

Haha, contradicting, I know. 

Hope I won't burst.