Actions and consequences

There are so many emotions and thoughts going through me that I try, unsuccessfully on certain occasions, to suppress until I reached the solace of my own room. 

As I stare at this screen, wondering what I may pen down that may try to allay the concerns of my friends, I've come to realise that there is nothing, that might make me feel better. 

Nothing, except to submerge myself totally into the grace of God, and pray constantly that He is still the one in control. 

I've learnt one thing though. I've tried to take the reins from God, believing I've watched and observed Him enough to be able to take care of certain issues in my own life. Yet, the more I tried, the more of a mess I seem to make. And I ended up hurting not only myself, but others as well. 

The sense of guilt overwhelms me at times, and I do not know what else to do except to apologize to those whom I've unwillingly hurt, and pray that I didn't wreck anything so badly that it might take years for God to repair them. Although I want so much to try and rectify the wrongs I made, I now know better than to rely on my own strength and intelligence, which might potentially end up making matters worse than they already are.  

I've strayed from God, did certain things and said certain stuff that were not edifying nor God-glorifying. I haven't been a biblical sister, nor a good friend at all. Through the months, I've come to realise that I've somehow numbed out God's voice, and it was eating into my very being. 

So, I decided to do something about it. Choosing to put my foot down, to turn away from something so dear and intertwined in my life was really heart-wrenching, and I do not need to explain nor reason out why I had to do it. The fact of the matter is, I chose to go back being Jinqi again, to stay true to myself and to God. 

God has always loved me as I was, reassuring me with His peace whenever I prayed through certain decisions in my life. Through the years, the knowledge and understanding of how God loves me for myself has given me a quiet sense of contentment, gratitude and confidence that has enveloped my life, blessing me in every area and every situation. 

And so, when I made this decision, I knew God smiled down from Heaven, because I went back to being the one and only Jinqi He knew, and loved completely. I am right in the eyes of my beloved Father, and this is where I wana stay.

The emotions and guilt that engulf me now are consequences that follow the course of my actions, and these are what I have to own up to and face, praying fervently that I will be able to withstand this period with God's grace and mercy. So, pray with me dear friends, I will walk out of this stronger and much much more God-centered :) But do still avail yourself when I really feel a need to rant ok?

One day, maybe I will look back at this incident and laugh.