Stop.Turn.Walk

Friday, March 31, 2006

cg rocks

lazy to blog these few days..oh well shall juz do it..

had cg yest at ps..played the game that llamma and mi tot of like 3 weeks ago but had no chance to carry out..the game goes like this..there were 3 teams with abt 6 ppl in each team..each person is given 2 bucks..with this 2 bucks..the whole grp haf to come together and create something nice and edible using only the most basic ingredients..for example, one person can buy fruits, another buy sugar syrup and ta-da!!..u get fruit salad..something like tt..hahha..yup..

lausanne's grp came up with some chessy ceral cum fruit salad that was beyond descrition..lol..claire's grp came out with this fantastic looking cake flooded with jam and cream chesse with m&ms and pocky sticks as decoration..while ben ho's grp came out with this absolutely surprisingly great tasting but a bit horrible looking tuna sandwich..complete with ju hua and ice-cream as set meal..i LOVE tuna!!..it was really nice..hhaha..

there was a moral to the story tho..take ownership of ur time, and maximise it well..easier said den done..i myself am still struggling with this but..im improving!!(:..hahha..i really love the jc grp..i dun feel like im leading or watever..juz sometimes need to push a bit here and there, manage the admin stuff a bit and tts abt all..the rest is all up to everyone there..i couldnt haf so much fun without the ppl having fun themselves..it is our grp..or more likely..jc ppl listen up..it is ur grp..if u wan to make CB2 and CB3 interesting and fun..den u do something abt it..juz tell llamma and mi abt any suggestions u haf..and we ll try to do it..simple?..

oh yeah!!..i had to go to work yest!!..trail at chinatown..wah this class is THE WORST class tt i haf ever had!!..i felt like strangling some of them man..and no thanks to my partner who managed to make the class dislike mi from the start..hmpf..i was soooo sian yest..ahhh y am i torturing myself?!?!..dear are we tt desperate for money?..u got another tuition job le rite..no more zenitant please!!..argh..

wat did i do on wed?..shucks i cant rmb!!..oh yes!!..watched ultraviolet with daniel elise dan xiang and daixuan..i totally dun understand the show at all..and btw, we werent given much choice on which show to watch..dan juz said..ultraviolet 530 at cathy..ok ok ok?..and tt was tt..the gurl was hot tho!!..her suit was super nice..i also wan one for myself..lol..okok i wan to go swimming leh..

ADELINE KUAH!!..can we go swimming soon?..btw i dun wan to tan so much anymore..i juz realised tt im getting quite black..lol..

going mark's hse on 8th april to chill anyone?..looking forward..

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

burnt

went tanning with priscilla today at sentosa..met at 915am and went to siloso beach..great news!!..im tanned!!!..used kai's suggestion of baby oil and i tink it worked preety well!!..bad news is, im burnt..at my thighs there..hahah..i cant get tanned, much less burnt..so i consider today quite an achievement!!..had an open sharing with pris at the beach and she gave mi some advice to deal with my probs..really thanks for tt!!..there was this grp of ah bengs that asked us for sunblock, den for our numbers..yucks..ah bengs are not nice..stayed there till 130..den bathed and changed before heading for..BORING SCHOOL!!..sian..

watched an arty-farty show in school today..some malaysian film where this chinese guy fell in love with a malay gurl, and how they overcome stereotype and all those racial issues thing..which was quite nice till the end where it became quite draggy..and i fell asleep..sepat..the name of the show..

went to meet eugene aft tt to collect my dunkin donuts!!..thank you geneie sooooo much!!..i love dunkin donuts!!..den was quite bored so i called up a few ppl to see where they were but only elise was able to come accompany mi..so we went to some ulu cafe at singapore shopping centre (yes i know its damn ulu)..and sat down there and chilled..ate dinner and juz toked abt life..abt my probs, hers and a whole lot of other things..i really treasure elise a lot..thanks for being there when i was going thru this sucky period..and helping to keep mi in check..theres still a lot of things that i know i shld do but i cant bring myself to..

shall end abruptly..lol..

Monday, March 27, 2006

so now wat?

sometimes u seem hot, other times u seem cold.
sometimes u crap, sometimes u are silent.
sometimes u smile, other times u look away.
sometimes u make mi happy, sometimes u make mi sad.

wat in the world do u wan mi to do?!
i really dun like you.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

ul day

today was ul day..angela elise jiehui dan and i spent the whole day together..literally whole day, from morning till night..well dan joined us later, so technically, the rest of us spent the whole day together..

in the morning, angela elise and i went to join jiehui for his cg..it was at hot and humid suntec city sky garden at 11am in the morning!!..madness..i really salute the ns guys for their commitment..so early for cg..they are GOOD..i like the worship songs..den after tt, we sent martin to hot and blazing sentosa to join the ywam and ys ppl for their retreat thing..LUCKILY jiehui drove!!!..i love him for tt man..i love his car..hahha..after tt we went to rp to wait for dan to finish his soccer..i had another motive for going there but it went unfulfilled..im quite disappointed abt tt but there will be nxt sunday!!(i hope)..the guys were really skinny..but the place was so hot!!..elise and i were almost melting as we sat at the bleachers watching the guys play soccer..supposed to end at 5 but dan wanted to score one goal to redeem himself..so we parted at 6 instead!!..it was super hot and we kept going to the car to enjoy the aircon..lol..ok here comes the exciting part..

jiehui let mi drive a bit!!!!!!!!..oh my goddie!!..its so so so fun!!!..was quite scared at first but he was guiding mi and stuff..angela didnt really trust mi tho..she was like..but im in the car leh..ke yi ma?..hahah..i understand y she was worried..lol..there was once i stepped on the brake too fast and hard and we all jerked damn hard..but it was fun!!..im gonna take my driving license now..been in cars with my peers driving mi ard and now i tink its time i drove too..so, license on the way..as soon as i get money..no more shopping till my license..

had dinner at newton..lala, gong gong, stingray, oyster omelette , the works..YUM..makes mi hungry tinking of it now..i loveee newton food..kept walking ard looking for the aunty and we finally found her juz at the point of giving up..spotted her by her humongous hair..after dinner we went to clarke quay to juz chill out..it was a great time of bonding and juz chatting..talked a lot abt our grps, life and stuff..walked a bit and den decided to go home cos it was getting late and all of us were sweaty and sticky..yucks..i told jiehui to send mi to ang mo kio mrt but him being concerned tt i would get scolded..decided to send mi all the way to my home instead!!..really really thank him for tt and i didnt get scolded cos i reached home on time!!..

shoutout to jiehui, for being the willing chuffer today for all of us and having to spend so much on parking fees..i thank god for you!!..nxt time when i learn how to drive i ll drive the ulm ard..hahha..

had a nice talk with dan and jiehui in the car..i tink the month of passion rocks..a lot of ppl were awaken, and im glad..desperation works wonders..one week left..wat r u gonna do abt it?

*meihua saw beer yest and she was super happy*

pictures

juz a whole lot of pictures to post up..yashini's bday and sentosa..dear u dun look ugly..relax..and since i know wenjun visits my blog, i shall post a shoutout to him..

HELLO WENJUN!!..pls tag..



i tink we are chio..



bus ride home..



shit on lulu's head..



kai and val..
























all in all..we had a fun time at sentosa!!..played rounders, frisbee, monkey and i forgot wat la..oh well..gonna sleep now..shall blog more abt today tml..went to midnight madness at bukit panjang plaza..yawns so tired..

Saturday, March 25, 2006

ok i muz blog this..prayer meeting was absolutely fantastic!!..i didnt regret going..tho at first i didnt wan to but im glad i did!!..we prayed prayed prayed and prayed..mi and xiang are expecting SO MUCH from god..i know i gotta mend my relationship with him..so im gonna pray harder!!..we put in the names of ppl today..and i ll stick to my pledge towards them..im not gonna be lazy..NO MORE..perk up gurl!!..u gotta move on!!.

went swimming with dear and wenjun today..and i got tanned!!!..woohoo!!!..so so so happy!!..i got tanned!!..well, some ppl call it burnt..but i dun care!!..at least my skin isnt THAT useless..tml we are going for the bukit panjang midnight madness thing..and prob gonna eat spring chicken as well!!..so excited!!..got all the mega sales!!..

passion..the thing that has kept mi awake thru nights..so excited..trembling with both fear yet anticipation as well..ive become so desperate..till i know that this is not man's work..but god's work..wait to see mi on stage, sharing how good is MY god..

Friday, March 24, 2006

my days

i woke up at 245pm yest!!..lol tts a new record..did nothing the whole of yest till 630 where i went to meet eelee..very glad tt i did!!..thanks shepherd for listening to mi!!..hehee..

tanning with jiemin today..FAILED AGAIN..my skin sucks man..i cant get tanned!!..cg today was great..i really love my grp..they make mi understand y im doing the things that im doing..end of march is coming..GASP..excited excited!!!..my harvest is coming in..thank u lord for all u haf done..u are truly amazing..

going swimming tml with dear!!..den gg for cg..den prayer meet..WOW..i need the presence of god to touch mi tml..im exhilarated..i cant sleep..

"aim not to hit goal, but to break it"
a new revelation..thanks to you..

sweet

"hello!!your nickname sounds like your damn worried about something i presumed to be about the goal of 26 since you have no school DONT WORRY. just cheong and try alll the way. haha i need to go sleep if not i will cry tomorrow.haha SEE YOU"

thank you choonmin!!..u are a dear..

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

sleepy

very very tired..but i decided that i shall post these pics before i get real tired and lazy and end up not putting up these fotos..anyways, choonmin sent mi one foto of mi and her one day..it muz haf been last yr cos my hair wasnt dyed still..watever, this foto is damn nice!!



we look like sisters..hahha..and i would love for a sis like her..lol..we are both photogenic..

went to yashini's 21sat bday party last sun..it was a rather formal event..and here is the bday gurl!!



she's chio rite!!!..



the gurls taking foto with the bufday gurl..yes tts a two tier cake and its all REAL..unlike the get married one, only the top is real the rest are fake..lol..



having fun being stupid in the party..as usual..



rarely seen fotos of wenjun!!..yes once in a blue year..he loves his papadom..



chio ritE?..hahah..
these few pics are when we went to eat sakae sushi buffet..



we made the place super messy..



the gurls..

ok i gotta go sleep le..eyes closing thruout this..nitez all!

Monday, March 20, 2006

outing

last day of school today!!..yes yes yes!!..no more having to wake up early to go to school..and no more having to wake up EXTRA early to study!!..HAHAH..ppl always tell mi..u haf such a long break not sian meh?..after a while also get sian already wat..my answer is NO..i will NEVER get bored of breaks..never ever in my whole entire life..and i always haf a lot to do everyday anyway..most of it is ministry stuff..so im not bored and i enjoy hols a lot!!..i hope that hols will nvr ever end..hahah..

lemme share a testimony..woke up at 7am today to study for test..read 2 pages from the utilitarium book during half and hour and i totally dun understand at all!!..i was totally confused man..so decided to go online to check it out..i tink god really favours mi in studies..i found this website that summarized my whole book in less than half a page, with adequate examples and simple english..in 5 mins, i got all the answers for my test..coincidence NOT!!..

went to holland v to eat fish beehoon..which is as usual..damn nice!!..more milk is even nicer..den went coffeebean to slack and chat..i tink we had the most fulfilling chat ever..we being my classmates, ADELINE KUAH, emu wenjun and lulu..we juz toked and toked and toked..abt life, the future, god, books etc etc..goals and all tt stuff..i can see tt dear liked the conversation..and so did i..we shld haf more of such stuff man..coffeebean is a nice place to slack..

went out with elise today and had a great chat..i tink i unloaded many stuff into u and im so happy tt u are there to listen to mi..u are a great sister and i love u a lot!!..i shall touch u more often..hahah..

ok let mi go on to that topic..everything within mi is fine now..a big thank you to key, elise and eelee..for being there when i needed to rant..i tink the decision i made is not the ideal one..but for now, tts the best decision to save mi from any further hurt tt i might receive..deep down i know tt this decision is not good..and i know one day, i ll try again..i ll really try again..but for now..im guarding myself..

sentosa tml..wheee!!!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

to note

CENTRAL B WILL INCLUDE 26 PPL AFTER MARCH.
PLEASE SAVE 4 ROWS IN NEXUS FOR US.

the past week

the past week haf been a hectic week..i cant even rmb wat i did everyday..its juz like life was a dream..everyday was a new day..and each day passed like weeks..so even tho i haf juz lived for a week..it seems like i haf go on with life for months..there was an up each day, followed by a down..and the downs hurt a lot..yet life still goes on..a week of hols, a week of excitement, a week of sadness, a week of learning, a week of letting go..ive grown up in a week..

lets start off by an encouraging testimony!!..i know some ppl haf heard of it before already but i dun care im still gonna post it..hahah..i had an essay test on thurs morning on philosophy..which if u recalled i keep falling asleep in class and i had like zero idea wat the lecturer was toking abt..and on wed central had a sentosa event..i got back at abt 11 plus and was sooo tired tt after doing confirmation i went straight to bed..got samuel to wake mi up at 5am to study..woke up at 6 instead..decided that i shld juz bank in on one question and leave the other 2 untouched..and it so happens..that the lecturer chose for us to write the other 2 topics instead!!!..the exam was a TOTAL disaster..i was damn sad aft the paper..the nxt day, i got my essay back..guess my grade..A-!!!!..woot!!..once again..god has shown mi his faithfulness..if we give all our best for him..he ll never ever short change us..NEVER..hahha..

went swimming with dear wenjun lulu and wj's fren on friday..i didnt get tanned at all!!!!..neither did i get tanned in sentosa!!!!..so sad!!..dear got BURNT worse and i still didnt get tanned..lol..anyways i tink sentosa was fun!!!..i really enjoy such outings with the whole central grp..it juz makes mi so peaceful and joyfull..I LOVE CENTRAL..and all who agree say..moojoo!!!..hahah..anyways i realised that my stamina SUCKS!!..im gonna swim with dear every wed and fri from now on..i couldnt even finish 15 laps!!..since when haf i deterioated till like this?!..swimming swimming!!!..

went out with angela esther derrick hanyang matmat xiaomao and weizheng on friday..it was a time for mi to catch up with my ex-unit mates..cos all of them are in army now and i seldom get to see them!!!!..went to Big O at wheelock to eat..food there is not bad, not great either..but wat i went there for was for the fellowship of my good frens..i really really really miss the guys!!..how they used to crap and make the unit so joyous and noisy..now they are all serving the nations, macho men already..hahah..time really flies..but the time spent on friday was so fulfilling..to know that these ppl will always be in my life till im old..and we would see each other in heaven, juz makes mi smile..the blessings of god comes in forms such as these..u would find good frens that would remain so for the rest of ur life..and im thankful for that..

missed passion svs on sat..heard it was fantabulous and i got loads of positive comments from it..but pclm after svs was great too..tho im a CL..but the teaching really showed mi more than i ever knew..tt certain things haf to be made with precise considerations..and im so intent on spending more time with my sheeps..really really more intent to..so sheeps..im gonna bug u peeps from now on..hahha..

ulm on sunday..key tot a very hard teaching..well to mi la..really really hard..i haf to settle down and tink..but i tink i got 90% of my tinking done already..i juz need to put a fullstop to this phase in my life..but somehow..the my heart refuses to put that particular dot at the end of the sentence..dun worry abt mi..i ll get over it..

i miss shepherding with eelee..hahah..miss her a lot a lot..anyways wana say a big THANK YOU to key and elise for yest..5 mins for yest..5 mins is not enuf for today..ll tink abt it tonight..by tonight..everything ll be over..

laugh with mi..again..

Thursday, March 16, 2006

below are some pics of mi and my SB..we haf been thru A LOT and im amazed at the frenship tt we haf now..NICOLE AU ZHUO XIN!!..I LOVE U LOADS LOADS LOADS..but..theres one thing tt i dun like..its how u always manage to take ugly fotos of mi but u still look preety!!!!..



im ugly ugly ugly..



see?!



damn ugly..i know y already!!!!..cos u always put ur face at the back so that mine looks freaking big!!!!..cheater la u!!..lol..anyways yes i really miss u a lot and ur presence in service and cg..we haven gone suntanning which u said u dun haf the time for cos u need to grow ur grp..i salute ur efforts for god..jia you gurl!!!!..im ALWAYS here for u..even tho sometimes i dun pick up ur call..sorry la!!

ADVERTISEMENT



hi my name is lulu and im a preety gurl!!..i wana tell u all abt sakae sushi's FANTABULOUSLY DISGUSTING RAW SQUID SUSHI which i LOVE to the max..i dunno y all the rest of my great-looking classmates dun like it but i tink its my fav food of all time!!!..so..nxt time when u go there!!..make sure u try it!!!..once u bite it, u cant stop!!..cos it turns into goo and stays stuck in ur mouth..u need skills to eat it!!..or u can juz swallow the whole damn thing!!..haf fun!!..muacks!..lulu..

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

philosophy crap

i had a great day today and yesterday!!..i muz blog now or i would nvr push myself to blogging and i would prob forget abt it..ok here goes..

went to eat sakae sushi buffet with classmates yest..pictures coming up soon cos im too lazy to upload now..haha..we made a FRICKING big mess at the restaurant at marina square..and we ordered so much food which when we cant finish, we juz dumb them into the rubbish bin aka little lulu..he eats absolutely anything and everything..he even eats gross raw sotong!!!!..disgusting!!..surprisingly i was quite full yest and didnt eat much!!..waste money..or maybe as dear said..my heart was already at my mahjong game..lol..wanted to go eat red star at first but wenjun suggested sakae..oh wells..we muz go red star nxt wk ok?!..i wan to eat dim sum la!!..and kai finally passed mi the slimming tea..HAHAH..so exciting..

yk called mi at abt 2 plus asking mi to go play mahjong at mark's hse..and of course i said yes la!!..so near my house!!..miracle tt we haf any activities near to my house at all..but the bad thing was..i had to drag my heavy mahjong from my house to his..while taking mrt and lrt can?!..my shoulders nearly break la..and when i was at teck whye and called yk..he said they were going home already..wat the?!..im not gonna bring out the mahjong for nothing man..so in the end, we ended up going back to his house and play till 8 plus, had dinner till abt 930 den went lot 1 to slack..oh we includes yk, mark, david, sinyee and i..guys can eat A LOT..plus point of the day..i saw beer too!!..hahha..

yest was a funny day..i keep meeting ppl everywhere!!..first i met joyce and jinxun consecutively while going to school..after school on the bus to suntec i met jarvin and hannah and it so happened that they met too!!..afterwards i met jaron at lot 1..lol..funny funny day..exciting and weird as well..god has a funny way of doing things..

den today..i went to get yashini's bday present after school with little lulu..and course my heels broke so i had to get a new one from charles and keith!!..dang im on a shopping spree now..its really not good..im spending too much money!!..and the stupid textbooks cost a bomb and im paying for it myself!!!!..sian..wana get a tuition job soooonnn!!!..my feet are completely disfigured from the heels that i constantly wear..really damn pain..

and den i went to ps to meet up with jiemin and xuanting..had a great time chatting..afterwards when ms claire arrived we wanted to go xbox but this gurl dun haf jacket or anything to cover her uniform!!!..so i offered to lend her my shawl so she can wrap herself with it..but!!!..she dun wan to!!!..so we cant go play fatal frame..SAD!!..hahha..but come to tink of it..she ll look like a popiah!!!..LOL..so decided to go walk ard at ps instead..but i wasnt really into tt idea cos my feet were hurting like MAD and i didnt wan to walk..so i decided to go off instead..and they went shopping..really sorry couldnt join u guys but my feet were really damn pain..

if u realise y i haven been blogging abt lessons, its because theres nothing of worth to blog abt..im taking philosophy now and its total crap!!..the theories and idealogies are retarded and i haf an essay due on thurs!!!..damn sian..and the lecturer's voice can put mi to sleep as soon as my butt touches the chair..how am i gonna pass this exam man?!

sentosa tml..yeah!!!!..exciting exciting!!

conversation of the day
mi: would anyone ever date a fat gurl?
dear: yeah of course! always like tt one wat..a fat gurl always go with skinny guy, and a skinny gurl always goes with fat guys..and ugly gurls go with shuai guys and chio gurls go with ugly guys..
mi: ohhh..den my husband muz be damn ugly
*laughter*
dear: he muz be damn skinny too..

that's wat philosophy does to you..

Sunday, March 12, 2006

renewed and refreshed

i had a fantastic 2 days!!!..im so so so renewed and refreshed by god..and im so thankful!!!..svs atmosphere was high again!!..like twice in a row?!..amazing amazing..i heard this saying yest..expectation creates stuff that is juz totally WOW!!..

the most awesome thing yest was prayer meet..the gift of faith is an exciting yet scary one..how many of us yearn for faith?..yet recoil at the thought of all the testing tt follows?..ll we be able to stand up under these tests?..ll we get stronger or ll we give up?..

i realise tt my lifestyle's gotta change..like really really change..it hurts so freaking much to stop doing things tt i love..stop doing things tt i used to do cos it isnt wise..but i really do wan to change!!..i wan to be more like jesus..im once again reminded of y im doing the things tt i do..and im so totally in love with it..

ulm today was personal..very personal..haha i liked it..

and we had CAF retreat today!!!..bao bao wins the prize for FUNNIEST MAN EVER ALIVE!!..period..no one can beat him in making mi laugh till my stomach feels like it has undergone 1000 sit-ups..no one..im so glad he's in my life..hahah..managed to tok to geneie today!!!..im really really really happy abt that too..

nice time in the cab..i enjoyed it..

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

excited for 56

im really really excited for the month of march..tho i gotta push myself over my limit..i constantly rmb that i cannot slack, every night i force myself to undergo intensive prayer, im embarking on a fast!!, i tink and tink and tink for cg and see, and i'm so gonna get scolded when the fone bill comes cos im msg-ing encouragement msgs to the ppl..all for the number 56..56 56 56 !!!..god help us man..

cls..to save my msg..when u read this..pls msg mi tml(which is wed) the number of new contacts that ur ppl haf made so that we can encourage the rest ok..the central jc grp is growing..and with god on our side, theres nothing tt ll make it stop..we are gonna be like like..like grasshoppers in the kingdom of darkness!!..irritate the hell outta them(no pun intended) and rob them of all their souls!!..amen amen amen!..cant wait cant wait..

ok the reason y im here at 439am is becos im waiting for 530 so that i can go outta my hse to eat breakfast at kap!!..i LOVE macdonalds breakfast!!..wonder how they made it to be so yummy..ahah i rmb shepherding with ruisi ll always be like 1045am at lot 1 mac so we can eat their breakfast..haha miss those times..

watched big momma's hse today..heres a quote..

"we get lost somehow as we walk on with life, and if we are lucky, the Lord will send someone to guide us back up"

im one of the lucky ones then..hahah..

theme for cg this week "a piece of heaven"..looking forward!!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

the change

there was definately a change in the atmosphere in svs today..all those who agree lift up ur hands and say moojoo!!..hmmm maybe its becos i went up on stage for pnw today..but shld be rite..the atmosphere is definately different!!..theres a sense of expectation, excitement and desperation..god is moving in the 2nd svs and central..FINALLY!!..so so so thankful!!..

today was a day of challenges..first shirley challenged us in the meeting and we learnt skills on gathering new contacts..and den llamma and i challenged the cg in oceania room..im so excited for the growth!!..i know that this ll play a BIG part in everyone's life!!..everyone ll be changed..im so sure of tt!!..whos in it with mi?..by tml morning..tell mi ur answer..and i ll put down ur name on my prayer list..i give my life for u all..heehee..

a word from god..a changed life..

Friday, March 03, 2006

56? its possible

one number juz keeps floating in my mind rite now..56 56 56 56..it haunts mi every min, every sec..this number brings joy, fear, hope, laughter and tears..56 is the end march goal of my caregroup..and now, there are 29 ppl..double in a month..we need a miracle..a real BIG one..

im juz so so excited!!..by end march..central would haf become hope's first region!..central was, is and always ll be the grp of first times..cl activation meeting is till date, the most earth-shaking day of my whole spiritual walk with god..wat we aim for, its not logical..the world's best mathematician or scientist would tell us that we are mad becos, it cannot be done..omg it cannot be done!!!..and we are gonna do it..this is crazy..certainly crazy..

with all my heart and soul..i plead with god to instill sane-ness in mi for juz one month..after we hit the goal by the end of march..im gonna sit down and sink in the craziness of wat happened..i trust tt its possible..becos everything in the bible tells mi its possible..god gave mi his promise and he trusts mi..wat more can i ask?..i haf fantastic ppl to help mi..CB2 and CB3 are all in this together amen?!..mircales do happen..you'll see..

ps: the M hotel buffet lunch is certainly not worth it..