Neo Na Pun Nyeo Ja Ya

Many people have been asking me how did I cry so much during the Christmas drama. And many people who have seen me watch some video on my iPhone before the teary scene also asks me what was I watching that helped me to cry.

Well to solve the mystery, here it is.

So sad! Don't cry Lee Hong Ki!!

The Year Ahead

I am kinda excited for the year 2010. 2009 didn't start out really well, and I spent the major part of 2009 in quite a depressed and suffocated fashion. But the good thing of being Jinqi is that, after moving on, I really can't remember how sad, how down, how broken or how depressed I was.

I remember a tinge of all those depressing emotions, but I can't remember the full extent of it anymore. It's a good thing perhaps., because if I carry the scars of life, I would never be able to move on properly and enjoy the small little blessings that come along :)

Funny though, that although the mind has forgotten the negative feelings, the body doesn't forget just as fast. I dun feel anything anymore, but somehow my body still reacts as though I do. It's kinda like an instinctive thing, a habit maybe. Some things have become a habit, and I need to slowly undo these actions.

To compliment myself a little, I am somewhat proud of myself in 2009. I'm proud that I stayed true to my very core beliefs, I'm proud that I didn't push the blame to others, I'm proud that I didn't lie to everyone and pretended that I'm ok, I'm proud that I pulled through the shitty times being totally real and myself.

I'm proud to be Jinqi :)

Though I've found out how totally cui my real self was, I've also delved a little bit more into understand how totally wonderful God is. Because I like that statement, I shall repeat it again.

I Have Found Out A Little Bit More About How Wonderful God Is.

And I pray, I will never let anything come into my life and separate me from the love of God again.

2010 seems exciting. I wonder what is in store for me :) First up, I need to reconcile with a friend. You know who you are!

The Day

Today is the day I found out that a person can really run out of tears.

On another note, today is also the day I found out that if God wants to make something good out of something seemingly bad, He can.

More on today tomorrow. Nitez folks.

Merry Christmas!

Oops

Crap I've got one of my bosses on Twitter and I've been happily
tweeting abt finding a new job opening there.

So,twitter's switched to private now till I find a new job.

Sorry to all my stalkers, you've got to bear with it for a while!

Random Thoughts To Keep The Mind Awake

I still can't figure out how to get the title of my blog post to show up on the template! ARGH! anyone knows how to fix it?

Going to work everyday is a real challenge. It's a challenge not to let my joyous spirit be dampened by the negative atmosphere at work, a challenge not to let my brain cells rot while sitting in the office with nothing to do and hence turning to facebook games, and a challenge to constantly remind myself that Jesus is LORD.

Hence, in order to keep my brain working, I decided to post about my learnings in QT today. And according to my mood, I might get the oomph to write about other happenings in my life too.

John 16:21-22 says:

"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

It amazes me at how Jesus is able to describe things so aptly using analogies that we have experienced or have seen others experiencing. Don't we all see in the movies how this expectant mother screams and shrieks in pain while giving birth, portraying how immensely horrible that pain must be. And immediately after the baby is out, the mother is overwhelmed by such a feeling of joy and happyness that she forgets the pain.

I've been feeling really stressed lately due to a lot of situations in my life that are happening at the same time, resulting in my feeling so pressed down and helpless. Accumulation of tiny stresses in every part of my life is somewhat a new feeling. I mean, if only one part of your life is on some shaky ground, at least you can take comfort in knowing that there are other parts that are still somewhat standing strong. So you can just focus your energy onto that one part that is not doing so well, or if you want to take a break, you can focus on other parts that are doing well and be momentarily happy.

But I couldnt, cos everywhere I turned, everywhere seemed to be unstable and insecure. So I just swallowed down all the stress and it kept piling up and up and up. Sometimes I think that there might never be an end to this period of my life, and I just get so depressed and downcast. But today, I shall be encouraged. All these are only my light and momentary troubles, and once my perseverance has yielded the fruit that God intends for me, my joy will be so great that I'll forget this down period in my life.

"Trust in God, Trust also in me," says Jesus.

Yes, I trust in my LORD. My life is yours :D

Always Be Mine

If I ever lose my power to fly,
then Your love takes me high.
I'll always be true to You.

Sometimes I think I might lose it all,
guess the chances are small.
Cos You hold me close,
I feel You near.
Dont let go,
say You'll always be here
Just hold me tight and I'll be fine,
dreaming You'll always be mine.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Sometimes I really hated myself for having such a lousy memory. I forget things so easily, its like when someone calls me and leaves a message, I forget about it as soon as I hang up the phone, no matter if I wrote down that message or not.

I've been quite irritated over this characteristic of mine, and I've tried many ways to remember as many things as possible. What made me so guilty was that after I read the bible in the morning and came across something I wanted to apply, I would remember it for like two hours, and forget about it after that. And when I review my day at night, I would get so guilty for forgetting God's Words.

But on the train yesterday, I think God told me this:

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. My works are wonderful, you know that full well.

And you know what, maybe this is how I was made. Not saying that I stop putting in effort to remember stuff, but maybe, I forget things so easily that I can always be amazed at the same things I read in the bible. Maybe I have short term memory so that I must always read His Word constantly to remain in awe of Him.

You know, maybe God is up there right now, smiling down at me as I get amazed today at the exact same things He told me yesterday, knowing that I've heard it but I had simply forgotten about it, again.

So, I forget things easily. Irritating habit, but it keeps me linked to Him.

Each day as I love Him more, I'm learning to love myself more too.

DAMN IT

I just want to scream out so loudly how unfair all of this is.

How unfair the whole damn world is. Because you've never given me a chance to be myself. Because there was a previous mould set by a previous someone, and no one gets it that I will never fit into that mould, no matter how hard I try.

And I've always have had to walk in his shadow. I'm so sick and tired of it.

Cos all this crappy nonsense made me doubt myself and my capabilities. It made me lose sight of my strengths, and made me focus on my weaknesses.

So screw it!

I will never be like him. Why doesn't anyone get it?

Never good enough? Lies.

I am my best. So screw it.

Errrrrr..

I need some inspiration to get rid of this writer's block.

Help!!

Should I?

My blog is so dead and dry.

Maybe I should make it a point to post a little something everyday.

Yeah, I should.

God isn't a sadist.

I refuse to believe that God has forgotten about me. I refuse to believe that He doesn't want to give me a new job because I've not prayed hard enough.

I refuse to believe that my friends are gonna ditch mi, though sometimesthey r really irritating haha.

I refuse to believe that God doesn't want to speak to me.

Because He's not a sadistic God. Because He promised that all His promises won't let go of me.

So no matter how long, how tiring and how demoralising, I must still believe.

I must.