ta-da

gonna sleep now..tired..

foolishness

i was brooding over something juz now..wallowing in self-pity and anger and feeling horribly insecure at something that ive been trying to attain but never been able to..seeing everyone else reach that something while im left behind, stuck in my continuous efforts to reach it..everytime when my fingertips are somehow touching that thing, situations occur and i end up further away from it than ever before..trying and trying and trying, always trying but yet never attaining..i felt like such a failure, inadequte, lousy and, insecure..

release came in the form of an outburst..one so great i surprised myself with the words i said and the thoughts that came to my mind..sometimes, the compression of accumulated feelings make u feel as tho ur insides are tearing up and something is eating into ur heart so badly that u want to scream and scream and never stop..i took comfort in grudges and negative thoughts and tears that hurt my eyes..hated everything and everyone, all i wanted to do was withdraw, and pretended nothing ever happened..

but surprisingly, peace overtook from then on..i rmb something david wilkerson said..that tears were the access to god's control in ur heart..peace so sudden, and so calm, that it portrayed a sharp contrast to the storm that i threw before it came..sometimes, the sun really shines the brightest after the heaviest thunderstorm..

i realised how that busybody devil has managed to contort the thing that i had been trying to attain to decieve me..it was a pure thing, free from malice..yet he has managed to taint my eyes into believing that this was the cause of all my trouble and hurting, that the church was the main reason, and i shld juz leave everything behind and live how i wanted to..but i told myself, its time to snap out of it and face the facts..

i really want to encourage u people out there..whenever the devil lies to u that u are inadequate or u are a failure or u are useless or u haven achieved anything, dun listen to him..wat exactly are our rewards for serving god? isnt it the wonder of witnessing the changed lives that god has choose to use u as a vessel for? every effort that u make, god sees..every tear that u shed, god knows..and he has that perfect reward for u in heaven..isnt the feeling of knowing that god is pleased with u, of knowing that he actually chooses to use u to impact others, adequate reward by itself? im really quite glad that i went thru this lesson..a prolonged one that has been going on for almost a year..it made mi really really aware of why im serving god for..and this has really made mi grow in security..yeah, i do feel a bit of a longing still in my heart, but i know god will never shortchange mi..in him, i place my trust..ive done all i can..how foolish i was to believe even for a moment, that i wasnt good enuf for him..

the power of central

my very first product after installing picasa! hmmm i tink its a good effort indeed :D:D:D

i shall term it as hmmmm "THE POWER OF CENTRAL"

guys

i finished my late night camping to rush er mo zai shen bian and was utterly disappointed at the ending..felt so CHEATED LA!! the ending sucks like dunno wat please! i was like, huh! like that end alr? how could she let him go off like that?! dun she feel anything?! was so pissed that i couldnt sleep and was fuming to god abt it..gosh!! stupid taiwan dramas! never haf any satisfying ending at all! juz had to spoilt it in the end :(:(:( grrrrr..

no more taiwan drama for the now! eh wait, theres summer x summer with zheng yuan chang..hmmm i might haf to change that statement soon..

while watching the show, a rather weird tot popped into my mind while watching one of the scenes..it was this scene where a grp of guy frens came back after a quarrel and silently juz did watever they did before they left in a sour mood..dun really know how to explain, but at that time, i somehow wished that i were a guy..

maybe due to my ignorance of a guy, or juz bec im a female, sometimes the weird mentality of the opposite sex do surprise mi in the way it affects their reaction..not being one myself, the only knowledge of how guys feel and tink at certain situations are based on my observance and first-hand information from a few of my trusty guy frens whom haf decided to divulge some secrets of their kind..one of the few times when i wish i were a guy, is when i haf some friction with my frens..

i rmb there were certain times where i quarrelled with my frens, or i haf some sort of disagreement and i seek the advice of the opposite gender, and most of the remarks i got was..go to the person, trash it out, bash him/her den continue being frens lor..its like, so simple that it somehow stuns my female mind..to our kind, there is no such thing as trashing out and then acting as tho this thing has never happened before and be like normal..to us, its like..this person did this to me!! betrayal, hypocrite, loser, im not gonna trust her anymore, she doesnt deserve my frenship..u expect mi to forgive the person!? i might forgive, but things will never be the same anymore..NEVER u get it?!

i tell that to my guy frens, and they go, huh? den how u wan things to end up as? aiya, y so difficult, juz like that lor..ppl will step on each other's toes at some point in time wat..its either u trash out den keep a good fren, or lose that good fren lor..y wan to lose? keep la..

sounds unbelievable simple doesnt it? sounds so simple, that it wouldnt work out at all..yet, i tried it..and to my astonishment! things did work out juz fine indeed!! and i realise to my amazement, that this method of settling disagreements or conflicts uses less energy and emotions then the ones gurls use..i used to tink that it would be so hard to face the person and act like normal..but maybe simple things haf a way of resulting in simple endings..i realise, that it isnt that hard to act normal after all..and, things somehow are, really turning out fine :D

haha, ive applied this method to much more situations after that..of course, i let my female instinct scream out sometimes at the unjust and the hell the other party shld haf to pay for making mi suffer like this..but in the end, the appeal of a happy ending, wins over the angry ending..ah, to be a guy and to react like one in times, it isnt such a bad thing after all..

hah, maybe this part only applies to certain guys, or maybe it doesnt describe guys at all..i wouldnt know..its juz the advice i got from a few of my opposite gender frens..its rather surprising how the advice remains consistent tho they dun know one another..how would i know? im a girl after all..

choice

朋友. 这是我的选择.

friend. this is my choice.

realisation

it suddenly dawned upon me that next sat marks the end of my 4-yr stay in the youth service..well, almost 4 yrs anyway..

and it suddenly dawned upon me, that most of my memories were made here..all the joys and sorrow, the quarrels and promises made, the impulsive gestures and controlled actions from then on, the many tears followed by many more laughters, the many many many frens, the surprises and shocks, the anger and the peace..the many saturdays of adventurous living that highlights my life, it was all in central..

i wonder how i would act as nxt sat creeps nearer.

i feel like, a child who has grown up, and now, ventures out onto other lands for newer opportunities in her life..a life, that would definately be tinged with a hint of homesickness, of her frens in her hometown whom she grew up with, of her parents whom stayed behind but always supporting her wherever she goes..

yeah, i guess i would really be ridden with homesickness indeed, or in other words - central-sickeness.

as they always say, the childhood years were the best. my work here is done.

unimaginable

and so, that marks the end of our retreat at east coast park..didnt plan to stay but ended up staying and i guess that wasnt really a bad choice on my part..the games were fun, but we didnt win :( however, the compensation for the loss was that i had a great team and it was really fun to hang out with them..and so it goes, team c team c kopi-c :D

i didnt know spades was juz a brain-sapping game..u really haf to play with intellectual ppl like leonzy and llamma and dan and u ll be like, when did card games got so difficult?! i tink i need more training..

i need to apply the secret of love more..the atmosphere would be rite den..

试试

我刚刚看到了唐于哲的私密日记。好想试一试用华文来写欧。
但是这样写着写着 ，真的好难阿!

tmnt

im sitting down here looking at my fingers doing the typing and marvelling at the colour of my freshly painted nails, which are GREEN!..yes yk they are green and u hate them but i dun care! its my nails..isnt it nice how god tot of putting colours into the world for us to enjoy? i mean, tink abt it, wat if the world was juz black and white? cos god didnt bother to put colours here..thats quite, sad isnt it? no pink green blue red orange etc etc..and haf u tot y god decided to make green into that shade? and not some other shade? maybe im tinking too much..

speaking of green..im juz in the right shade to catch a superbly wonderful movie! which is called teenage mutant ninja turtles!! wheee my fav cartoon characters since young! i absolutely love them and haf always imagined myself to be one of them..hahah..i like donetello (is that how u spell is) the best! the purple one with the staff that is oh-so-smart! turtles are so cute!! ginny and hermie are beside mi now, looking at mi with pitiful eyes cos they wan food! gosh, seriously they eat a lot! i shall stop feeding them in case they die of over-eating..haha..feel quite sad that im always out and haf no time to play with them tho..oh well..

going for CL retreat at pasir ris later on..gonna go jogging with sinyee aft the programs! need to lose weight and become healthy! yes which remids mi that today starts the day of my strict diet! i haf one week to lose a little bit of weight!! impt date nxt wk :D:D:D i met priscilla yest and found out some things abt the adult grp..some really surprising things indeed! gosh, this is juz gonna be so exciting..

battle of the mind

a snipet of a battle thats has been going on in my mind..

frenship does not equal to the frequency of meeting, oh please stop lying to yourself. shuddup! frenship does not equal to the frequency of meeting! u dun believe it. i do! no u dun, things never turned out that way before. well this time it will, i hope. they will be too busy for you. no they wun, well maybe they will be busy, but never too busy. please, look at their status in the church, u tink u are the only thing in their minds? well, im supposed to be understanding! and i know that this frenship's from god and its supposed to work. yeah well u see, god might try to start something for u but if there isnt any effort, everything will eventually die u know. i ll put in effort! no u wun, cos u nvr initiate, u tink u might disturb them, and u know wat, u will. u suck seriously. im telling u the truth so that u wun hold too high hopes. i dun expect anything so juz go away! u're gonna lose them. no i wun, i ll show u. u lost all ur 'good' frens before, it will turn out exactly the same! first u will prob put in more effort, trying to tok chat catch up, but later, everything will juz die down, and finally, it will be gone. it always happens this way. yeah well, its true, but those were worldly frenships. u gave ur all in those frenships, they didnt sustain. dun worry abt mi, im sure god has a plan for mi, and im supposed to grow in security, so i dun care abt you. u hate feeling like u are gonna lose them rite? shut up.

seriously mr tan, juz go away.

well, it was jackies hangout day today..didnt wan to go for tutoiral but that STUPID lecturer forced all of us to go by threatening us with our US trip..he's a jerk seriously! hates it when he tinks he's the best thing that ever happened to us and starts crtiticizing us..there juz had to be some of these kinds of ppl in the world..ARGH gross!..went gym after class for abt an hr, and lost abt 250 calories on the step up machine..after that, the main event occurred..

we went to sakae sushi for their buffet!!!woohoo!! salmon salmon!! loves salmon!! and chawamushi, and soft shell crab handroll!! yummy yummy..had a bout of flu halfway during lunch, i woke up sick today, and somehow managed to let jackies con mi into eating abt half a teaspoon of wasabi saying that it will clear my nose!! BLUFF! it tasted like shit la please! and the wasabi stuck onto my tongue and refused to come off!! gosh never eat wasabi alone!! tastes horrigible! went for walk after that and i tot of a game i saw on tv..explained it to emu while we were walking to far east and she got damn high..so we managed to pull adel into the game and started playing..its SUPER FUNNY!! laugh till my stomach ache like mad and my tears duct were working overtime..we really shld play that on the plane and everyone haf to play!! wenjun dun back out already!! hahaha..

jackies are seriously a fun bunch of ppl..i tink the time we are gonna spend on holiday is really going to be super hilarious and exciting!!kept toking abt the trip and where we are gonna stay..tinking of it juz excites mi all over again :D:D:D

met up with dan elise jiehui daniel and harry afterwards for ice cream at ben and jerry's!! yum yum..fantastic end to a fantastic day..would happy days be there in the future? haha..

hatred

word press couldnt accomodate a tagboard, and they wouldnt allow other templates to be used..so ive decided not to switch my blog anymore..maybe when i get my new com, blogspot wun be choking anymore..

i juz read an email abt child abusers..the mail speaks from the viewpoint of a three-year-old child..i hate child abusers..there muz be something wrong in their minds..sick..

shopping

i might change to wordpress soon..blogger's continual problems are pissing me off really badly..

school's gonna end soon..the last module which i will take in singapore before i fly off to US ends today!! gosh, but exams are in like, 2 weeks later so, yeah..which means having to mug again..

haf i told u guys where im heading off to yet? ok i tink i might haf did but who cares! since its my blog and im so excited abt it i shall re-state where im jetting off to in the months of april to may..well, first im gonna take cathay airlines to hk for transit, den to LA to take a domestic flight to oklahoma..after having stayed there for 3 weeks to finish all my studies, im heading off to LA and San Fran for 5 days each with the jackies plus marc for some adventurous travelling..adventurous cos we haf absolutely no idea where to go and we haven even booked our stay..and wats more, we haf to find our own way to san fran and back to LA and we cant afford to miss our flight..knowing wat procrastinators the jackies are, lets pray we manage to stick to the 9 days that are allocated to us..haha..

after which, we will be flying over to good old hong kong!! staying there for abt 3 days..once again, its free and easy so hotel's booking done by trustee adeline kuah whom the jackies place their total faith in..im sure our lovely adminstrator willbe able to get all our hotels and flights juz fine! she's good at these kinda things..cant wait for HK man..shopping shopping!! im so excited..

got a pair of jeans and a top at dorothy perkins yest..yes i finally got my jeans :D claire's card was simply amazing..the discount rocks my socks!! hahah..my aunt got mi this trenchcoat like thingy from switzerland and its juz so nice! i ll take a pic of it in the US and post it up when i get back..haha..

met eelee yest for dinner at sakae sushi which was oh-so-yummy..im tinking of asking the jackies for sushi buffet lunch on thurs during our outing..yeah i tink i will..haha..ah mr lee juz said go to ktv instead!! hahah..that sounds like a good idea too..oh which reminds me that we are gonna check out the ktv in HK while we are there..three nights of fun and madness, sounds great indeed!!

got some stuff off my chest to eelee tan yest..learnt this : frenship is not equal to the frequency of meeting..i hope that works out!

watched 300 yes with dan elise angela llamma and nicholas..was so disturbed during the whole show cos it looks so painful!! evertime a soldier dies i can feel the pain..and there were a lot of blood spewing out..body part, which includes hands legs and heads, were flying all over the place..i wonder why guys like to watch these kinds of shows..tot it would be nice, but the show's juz abt killing, killing and more killing..well, as llamma cheung said, i survived the show! the whole show can be summarized into this: men (as in man and not the men which indicates the whole human race) are prideful..

redeemer

friends pfffff
my savior
when u need one the most, none seems to be
he's living in me
there..there are always things to be done,
redeemer JESUS
urgent things to do..fine, go away and juz
he sets me free
leave me alone..
Woah! Woah!
wait, im supposed to be understanding..
If you can use anything wun u use me?
the presence of you disgusts mi. i dun wan to
Take mi and break me and mold me and make me
be in the same air that u breathe in.
You died for me so im living for you
pardon this post. its too negative.
im living for you, im living for you!

.....

eh youtube is down for dunno wat reasons..cant load the page and am getting really upset abt it! i wana watch my hanakimi!!! so irritating..im down to the last 3 episodes so realy wana see wat happens!! sighs..i hope youtube will be ok soon..

on a lighter note, i got all my travelling stuff planned out juz fine..am leaving at 805am on 20th april to oklahoma city..after school there, am jetting off with jackies and marc to LA San Fran and HK!!..am so looking forward to the HK part..planning to buy loads of stuff :D:D:D spending 10 days after school in the US to travel ard so hopefully i will thoroughly enjoy myself.. haha..touching down in singapore again only on the 23rd of may..wow..that seems like a long time..

am tinking of staying overnight at the airport on the 19th of april..dun really wan to like, wake up early to reach the airport at 6am :S ..

ahhh my com is really dying..its like, chocking!! i shld get all my pics and stuff into the external hard disc first before it really dies on me..

photo mania

HELLO! this was supposed to be up yest but stupid blogger dunno wat happened wouldnt allow mi to post it up and everything was erased away!! super pissing off..so anyways, i was looking thru my pictures folder where i realised that i haf a lot a lot of fotos nowadays so im gonna post everything up! hahah dear said that now i got a camera fone, my blog has more pics and u know wat..YOU ARE RIGHT!

i bought 2 terrapins! they are damn cute..the girl is called ginny and the guy is called hermie..ginny ang and hermie ang!

ginny's the one on the right..she has a lighter shade of green..both of them are so active and hyper when i saw them at the aquarium that i had to get them!! haha..

so so so cute!!

so claire, angela, huili, puay and i went to ikea to get stuff for metamorphosis before heading down to derrick's party..saw claire's glasses and i juz had to try them on..

looks quite zai rite! ahah like some ming xing..woohoo xiang! i accomplished the wear shades and look haughty look..

we saw this gigantic heart right outside ikea and claire was like, so cute so cute!! lets take pics with it..i was like huh muz we?! and yeah, as u can see, i was dragged in..

below are neoprints y-budd took during our last last outing..tell u something interesting..y-budd rite, if u put the y behind, it becomes BUDD-Y!..lol i totally didnt realise it till bao bao pointed it out to me..thats quite amazing seriously..

cg madness fotos which we took aft cg on forgot which day..jem and the guys acting retarded once again as usual..

this was the pic we sent in..jem wins seriously, y-hope's very own Mr. Bean..y go watch mr bean's holiday? juz go out with jem! u get life coverage..

dunno y keith laugh till so can lan..

CB3!

OH!! today is the day where sinyee got water bap!! so from now on, she's officially known as XANTHE ANG SINYEE!

the new born baby in christ!! introducing...XANTHE!!

and below are the pics taken from derrick's bday party..bbq at his house..many many guys and only 5 gurls..the roses among the thorns..HAHA..

the bday boy got thrown into the pool so that explains y he was all WET in the fotos..hahah and he was still holding the knife when they threw him down..and he haven cut the cake yet..yeah, so u know..

bday boy and me! dunno y we look so white..

ok claire and i didnt haf anything better to do so we came up with loads of spastic poses..cam whoring to the max!there are MANY more below so do keep ur eyes peeled out!

fondue!!

puay's orders to pose like hana kimi cos she's so totally in love with the show..angela as quan, puay as ruixi and mi as xiuyi..i prefer wang dong cheng to wuzun!! wuzun not handsome!! tang yu zhe also better!

derrick and his gorgeous cake!! really nice rite!!

the 5 escorts at derrick's party..we tried doing our job alright?!

puay's STRIKINGLY yellow car which she aptly named OMELETTE..dun ask mi why tho..i dunno, i really really dunno..

yeah rmb the part where i said claire and me took a lot of spas fotos? heres most of them..still haf a lot which i didnt post up..

7 lian pai!! are u ready? get set! GO!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE! (are u getting bored?)

FOUR!

FIVE! (u sure u arent bored?)

SIX!

SEVEN!! and thats the end for our show..thank you very much for watching..

signing up for visa is super mah fan!! got so many many things to do..ARGH and tml got zenitant..sian sian sian..im gonna cancel all my remaining zenitant trails..

yoyo

I GOT RETRANCHED TODAY!!! WOOHOO!!..no more waking up at 630 to go to work blah!!!..enuf of kiam siap ppl asking for bags bags bags..

ms nuohan says i never update my blog..so here i am now!! HELLO FOOD PARTNER!!..i ll see u when i see u again..which is i dunno when..so see how la hoh..

school tml..afternoon session which sucks!! no choice den..

today

worse exam so far! tink dr olsen doesnt really know how short 3 hours actually is to finish THREE essay questions and 13 short answer questions, with each "short" answer being half a page long..write till hand pain for super duper long..tired lol..

today, ive resolved that i ll spend more time and effort in the things of god..i tink ive kinda been stagnant ba..there muz be more than this, there muz be more than wat im doing, there muz be more than wat im feeling..there has has to be more!! god is not juz limited to wat im doing, wat im feeling, wat im hearing, wat im believing..there has to be more..

god, 我一定要追祢.

i had many talks today..mr berry was being really nice to me today too, haha..i toked to sinyee today..lets leave the tears for the last time :D

went to tauhuay store with claire and had a great chat with her..toked abt our probs, future, kang xi lai le, zheng xiao zhong, he xiao mei, ruan xiao tian etc etc..u know how a piece of jigsaw puzzle has its specific place and its specific partner..no one piece will fit exactly into that piece? yeah i tink claire and me are like that..our places are right nxt to one another ba..tho haven toked for SUPER long but when we hang out, the conversation juz runs by itself..anything and everything can be shared and discussed..thanks dear fren!! haha...

decided to take a bus home but when i reached the stop, qianjin, whom i met there told mi that the last 190 juz passed..i was like AH WAT?!..so i ended taking a bus with qj and changing to 961 at his place..and u know wat, i tink its god's plans..cos i had a superbly great tok with mr qj tonight..qj said that he found it really nice to tok to me and that he liked it..u know wat, i really liked toking to u too..and its really cool cos we haven worked together for anything at all! not even in the same cg..maybe only for the drama production, but by that time, i was quite ok with you already..thanks to god, for frens like that..continue tml!!

friends are a gift from god. thanks dear heavenly father!

郑元畅

EH i dunno why blogger wun let my post the video of zheng yuan chang :(:( i found this commercial on youtube with his oh-juz-so-sexy mouth la!!

CLAIRE YOU MUZ GO SEE!! SUPER CUTE!

i tink if he werent to talk, i wouldnt tink he's shuai or like him..but when he talks, juz cant help falling in love :D:D:D

come on come on! i ll show u how sexy he is!


IM HERE!


ME TOO!