foolishness

i was brooding over something juz now..wallowing in self-pity and anger and feeling horribly insecure at something that ive been trying to attain but never been able to..seeing everyone else reach that something while im left behind, stuck in my continuous efforts to reach it..everytime when my fingertips are somehow touching that thing, situations occur and i end up further away from it than ever before..trying and trying and trying, always trying but yet never attaining..i felt like such a failure, inadequte, lousy and, insecure..

release came in the form of an outburst..one so great i surprised myself with the words i said and the thoughts that came to my mind..sometimes, the compression of accumulated feelings make u feel as tho ur insides are tearing up and something is eating into ur heart so badly that u want to scream and scream and never stop..i took comfort in grudges and negative thoughts and tears that hurt my eyes..hated everything and everyone, all i wanted to do was withdraw, and pretended nothing ever happened..

but surprisingly, peace overtook from then on..i rmb something david wilkerson said..that tears were the access to god's control in ur heart..peace so sudden, and so calm, that it portrayed a sharp contrast to the storm that i threw before it came..sometimes, the sun really shines the brightest after the heaviest thunderstorm..

i realised how that busybody devil has managed to contort the thing that i had been trying to attain to decieve me..it was a pure thing, free from malice..yet he has managed to taint my eyes into believing that this was the cause of all my trouble and hurting, that the church was the main reason, and i shld juz leave everything behind and live how i wanted to..but i told myself, its time to snap out of it and face the facts..

i really want to encourage u people out there..whenever the devil lies to u that u are inadequate or u are a failure or u are useless or u haven achieved anything, dun listen to him..wat exactly are our rewards for serving god? isnt it the wonder of witnessing the changed lives that god has choose to use u as a vessel for? every effort that u make, god sees..every tear that u shed, god knows..and he has that perfect reward for u in heaven..isnt the feeling of knowing that god is pleased with u, of knowing that he actually chooses to use u to impact others, adequate reward by itself? im really quite glad that i went thru this lesson..a prolonged one that has been going on for almost a year..it made mi really really aware of why im serving god for..and this has really made mi grow in security..yeah, i do feel a bit of a longing still in my heart, but i know god will never shortchange mi..in him, i place my trust..ive done all i can..how foolish i was to believe even for a moment, that i wasnt good enuf for him..