Hurt Too Much

BLOG ON HIATUS

**Till further notice**

Words don't mean anything if actions aren't taken. Till the day I've finally started on life again, then will I start to blog again.

I want to experience secrecy for awhile too. Is it really that good?

Personal blog will be updated more frequently now. Where my words and thoughts will flow more freely.

Contented, Yet Restless

hung out with ziying today, trying to get my life out of the valleys n back into at least the meadows. I'm not even asking for a mountain top experience.

realised how insignificant my life on this earth is when compared to god's awesomeness. sometimes tinking about what I have to do as a child of god scares mi, and I just want to relax and do my own stuff.

stripping away all dreams n visions, I can say that I'm a very contented person.

contrary to popular belief, I'm very thankful for my job. I've got enough good close friends to last me a lifetime. I dun need to put in effort to gain anymore friends, or clarify those with misunderstandings. I've got a great family. I've enjoyed the little luxuries safe Singapore can provide. And I have no lack of suitors. Cross examining my needs, I dun really have anything that I lack.

yet i'm restless. something doesn't feel right. the nagging suspicion that there's something more out there doesn't leave mi. and I can find no valid reason to deny the deity n truth of god having experienced the realness n goodness of god myself.

somehow the lyrics "there must be more than this" rings clearly in my heart. and no matter how much I try, I'm unable to douse the burning impression that I'm made for something more.

and as I look around at the sufferings of this groaning planet, the stark realization of the immense need for everone in this world to go back to god staggers me.

and I, having known how incomparably wonderful it is to be in His presence, feel compelled to go to each n every suffering person and point them to the Sovereign One.

to tell them I have no answer as to why u r suffering, but I know that you need god. to tell them I dun care how much of a weirdo they think I am to be such a jesus freak, because one day they will understand.

as I think of the staggering amount of decisions I have to make, the undesirable task of having to give up my rights as a human, and the changes I have to make as a person, I confess that I'm unwilling to do anything.

god, I just want to slack n do my own things. love those who love me, and screw those who hurt me. lead my contented yet restless life.

but you wouldn't let mi do that huh?

because when u smile at me from heaven, and tell mi how much you love me, I just can't bring myself to slack my life away.

do you know Lord, that Your love is just so addictive. I can't live without it.

The Little Things We Never Notice

Have you ever experienced this?

Like when you are drifting off to sleep, and suddenly out of nowhere u feel like you have stepped into a hole and are falling sharply down into the hole, and you jerk out of your sleep and realised that you are still sitting in the same position.

I found out why.

Extracted from Where Is God When It Hurts by Philip Yancey

Even as I was drifting into dreamland, my body was loyally working to protect me. Though my conscious brain had already shut down, my reflex system had not. When my head nodded forward, two small sacs in my inner ear, filled with fluid and lined with ultrasensitive hairs, detected an alarming shift in my equilibrium. Just at the last moment, as my head was about to crash downward to the armrest, the inner ear sounded an all-points-alert. Suddenly my arms jerked out, my head shot upward, and my whole torso twitched in a spasm. The dramatic act was merely my body's emergency effort to prevent injury. And all these complex maneuvers took place while I was drifting off to sleep.

When I read stuff like this, it points me back to how God really takes care of us, even the smallest details which we ourselves, do not notice.

Walking Alone

Am waiting for my youtube vid to load so tot to come blog a bit.

Have been thinking about certain stuff recently and realising how alone I really am in this whole spiritual journey thing. And I'm not joking.

When it boils down to the very fundamentals, the only thing that can really help sustain one's own spiritual relationship with God is myself (apart from God la). No other help is really help at all.

Maybe thats why they say, your spiritual life is your own responsibility and yours alone.

At the mountaintop moments, how many people can really truly experience what you are feeling? You could scream God's love down people's ears but even if they do understand, they wun be able to fully experience whatever you are feeling.

In the valley moments, who can truly experience what you are feeling too? Yes you can have friends everywhere showing concern, but how many times have we all had friends who express genuine concern but no matter what they say, nothing seems to work. You are still stuck in that valley time, and your life feels like shit.

I'm not saying that friends aren't important, but at the end of it all, you can still choose whether to heed your friends' advice or not. Ultimately, it's still prayers and a stubbornness to not be stuck in this rut (and God of course) that pulls you out of the valley and back into the meadows.

But in the valley times, I'm slowly beginning to learn certain things about friendships. There are those who really are concern, and those who only speak concern. Those who care enough to ask, and those who always say they care but are not there when you need them.

It's such a morbid thought actually, to think that you could have your friends there with you, but to find that they didn't actually mean what they say about being there.

At the end, its still those old few who stick around me :) And I appreciate you guys the most.

And now, my spiritual struggle to get back to the meadows continue, alone.

Bye Astrology

Yes I did some thinking. You might think I'm a freak, but I feel kinda disturbed with this whole chinese zodiac crap.

So I did a little ruminating. Ok change word, I did a little, well, alright, I did a little thinking. You see, most of my beloved friends are:

RABBITS

Jasmine, Wynnie, llamma, Derrick, Hanyang, Danny Feng, Harry

or they could be:

RATS

Daniel, Adel, Wenjun, Germs, Bao bao, Dewen

I could even have some of them as:

DRAGONS

Jacq, Xiang, Winnie, Angela

Or I could even have some of them like me!

TIGERS

Elise, Ruiz, Freedy

but NO PIGS!

NONE. NADA. ZIP. ZERO

Ok fine, I wun rule out the possibility of some nice person who just happens to be a pig to come across my path someday. Alright JX, I will go as far to admit that may just be that one pig out of the thousands of them whom I just happened to meet, but till that day comes, I'm gonna say

DIE YOU CHINESE ZODIAC ASTROLOGY CRAP!

My Jesus-pology totally triumphs you!!!

Ok, got that off my chest. Back to my Living Courageously and Not Regretting lifestyle. My life is a consequence of the choices I made. And I'm dealing with it.

I don't quite agree that we shouldn't talk about the bad stuff that happens to us. I think we should! Because that makes us human, and it shows other human beings that I've failed terribly, but Jesus wrangled my ass out of the darkness and kick start my brand new life for me.

And He would do the same for you :)

That is, if only you would let Him. And leave your ego at the door.

Not True!

My colleagues were talking about Chinese Zodiacs and how each one has
a secret friend. So I went to google it.

I told my colleague my secret friend cfm is a rabbit, and can never be
a pig.

BUT the stupid website says my secret friend is a pig!!

HOW CAN THAT BE?!?

A freaking pig cheated me n didn't give a damn about my feelings!!

I refuse to believe my secret friend is a pig. Hmpf!

Heaven on Earth

I was just browsing through facebook when I realised that dear and me have a total of 369 pictures together. Wow.

God's been good, hasn't he? After so long, we are still best of friends and are going to be until we grow old and start to drink tea while our dogs run around hahaha. I think I've gone overseas with dear the most among all my friends. From USA to Korea to Malaysia to Indonesia and to Hong Kong. Next stop - Philippines :D

A long journey indeed. I love you friend!

Happy times.

Crazy times.

I miss Jackies too :)