unfair

been reading various blogs before a tot came to my mind..ive read blogs of rich kids who spends 1000 a month, ive read blogs of people earning 1000 month to feed their families..i've read blogs that haf became famous, ive read blogs of those who wish to remain anonymous..and the more i read, the more this word pops up in my head..'unfair'..so so unfair..wat an unfair world..

y wasnt i born rich so that i can study overseas?..y wasnt i born into a wealthy family so i can spend more on things that i want?..y wasnt i born preety and slim as that of other gurls?..y was i born with such a skin disease?..y was i born into this small country of singapore?..y was i born to my protective parents who are stifling the life out of mi?..y do wealthy people always get wat they want?..y are rich kids always prettier or more good-looking?..y am i born as mi?..

yet on the other hand..y wasnt i born in some suffering country such as africa?..y wasnt i born into a poor family that needs mi to go out to work asap to support them?..y wasnt i born with some chronic illness or sumthing much much worse?..y wasnt i born into a family who dun care a gist of wat their kids are doing?..y am i born as mi?..

y did god chose mi to be one of his chosen people?..y did he put mi in this family, this school, this country..y did he put mi in hope?..y did i meet frens such as those i haf now?..y did he give my such gifts?..y did he make mi?..

why why why?..sumtimes i feel tts its unfair..sumtimes im jealous..sumtimes im thankful..sumtimes i tink tt it could haf been worse..rite?..maybe the fairest thing tt happened in my life, was that i had the chance to know god..and thankfully, i chose his path..i wouldnt want to sway any where else like those who haf come and gone..maybe it ll only truly be fair, when the world ends..

the best gift that one can give to oneself is the art of forgiving those who haf hurt them..unfortunately, im still unable to give myself this gift..i see u, and im disgusted..i hear u, and i wana walk away..u tok to mi, and i wish i didnt haf to reply..i see ur name, and i wan u to bear the brunt of my anger..i wan u to feel hurt..i wan u to know tt u arent the only one in the world and i dislike u..i wan u to know, that u arent all tt big..and sumtimes in my evil heart, i wish tt u arent enjoying wherever u are now..and den i ll be able say "i told u so"..

unforgiveness eats up the heart..it covers love, patience, joy and all tts good..and replace it with hate and anger..its been so long, yet i still cant forgive..god..god pls help mi..

a double life

if u look at the timing i know u muz be tinking..wat on earth is she blogging at 5.08 in the morning?!..haha..yup i haven sleep yet..was watching my korean vcd till i forgot the time..haf to go sleep now so tt i can wake up at like 9 in the morning..theres still so many things that i haven done..teachings that i haven gone thru..gonna do tml morning!..a isnt tt nw?..erm yeah..u know wat i mean..

anyways i got into a terrible temper juz now..all because of my dumb younger brother..i cant believe anyone is tt blur!!..cos he borrowed my hp and on it..and i had a pin number..so instead of asking mi for my pin..he decided to input any series of numbers that he liked..i mean!!..how can u even TINK of such a thing like tt!?..would i tell u my pin number?!..stupid rite?!..i was so so so pissed that i directed half and hour's time of my anger on him before calling sintel for my puk code..so bodo leh!!..i really cant believe tt he can do sumthing like tt..

i was so damn mad tt i had to go to an empty room to cool down..and den i rmb sumthing..well it seems like i have been losing my temper at my brother more often these few weeks..and tho i try really (and if its my brother, my really is extremely) hard to be nicer to him..and also to my family as well..but yet i still shout quite often at them..guess its bec of the relation thing u know..like its perceived to be quite normal to speak like tt to ur family members..but seriously..i dun wana lead this kind of life..i dun wana lead a double life..i dun wana be different in church, at home and at school..esp at home, i haf to continually remind myself to act like how i would treat my frens..i seriously feel tt leading a double life does harmful things to ur soul..

firstly it corrupts the soul as it juz teaches u to put on different facades when meeting different ppl..and sumtimes..u juz lose ur identity totally..it really eats into ur soul..haf u guys felt the little satanic voice down there rite in ur heart telling u to screw everyone else and dun give a shit!?..(pardon the language)..but tts how i feel when i lead double, triple or many more lives..u start to see ur parents as mobile ATMs, frens as stepping stones to get wat u want, ur house like a hotel, school is crap..bascially, ur life is screwed and theres only you yourself and i..and lemme mi tell all ppl who trust in jesus christ out there..it only takes 1 day..YES ONE DAY..for this to take place..one day is all it takes for the root to plunge rite in the middle of ur heart and suck ur nutrients all out from u..trust mi cos i haf experienced it myself..and dun willingly try this out..im telling u, u cannot afford to..living double lives sucks..it damages ur credibility..ppl see u as a fake..no one trusts u..u lie to ur frens, ur parents, the world and the saddest of all..u lie to urself..and tt my dear fren..is the nxt worse thing after going to hell..i wana be myself in every circumstances..

oh well back to light stuff..went to work at aly's place today..tt gurl can really eat man..kinda used to it but still shocked while she was ordering her food..hahah..and it was really hilarious working with her..i always enjoy the times i spent with her..(by the way HES MY HUSBAND)..hahha..thanks so much again!!..

thanks lulu

juz came home from dance at studiowu..wah lau the intro class is soooo much easier than the beginners la!..they shldnt name the beginners class beginners cos tts only cheating ppl..its so diff can!?..only ppl like geneie and ruisi can go..went intro class with emu and found it much easier and at my lvl of difficulty..wanted to wear my newly bought track pants which came today BUT..i found it to be TOOOO big!!..the width was like at wat..20''?!..tts horrendous!!..who can fit into such a humongous pair of pants?!..it hang on mi like some wayang clothes like tt..regret regret..shld haf found a smaller pair..anyone can tink of which tall burly guy i can give the pants to?!..dun wana waste my money..

therefore..i was the only person there wearing SHORTS!!..wat the?!..so damn pai seh la!..everyone was wearing trackpants and only mi wearing shorts!!..i was so pai seh tt i almost didnt go for the class..bleah!!..it was horrible!!..emu promised mi to go and buy track pants with mi tml..im gonna wear better for the nxt class la..AH!!..nick came halfway to watch the dance..i felt more embarressed..i dance horribly!!..i suck!!..maybe this class was a mistake..but since ive paid, and it is quite fun..haiz dunno la..at least got emu there with mi..

wanted to go subway eat after class..i love subway!!!..yen xueping!!..when r we gonna eat subway!?!?!?..so long le lor!!..dun pang seh mi ah!..but the shop closed at 9pm..wat the!?..where got shop close at 9 pm one?..so in the end we decided to go eat tml at airport instead..oh which reminds mi..i gotta wake up at an ungodly hr of 430 tml morning!!..tts my usual sleeping time can!!!..how to wake up at tt time?!..but i tink its worse for dear..cos she has to wake up at 330 to get her hair done and stuff..hahahah..u look preety la dear..dun need do so much..

my job requires much brainwork..bringing sec 1 kids ard changi airport to teach them maths..and haf to memorize a script somemore!!..only at a sum of 35 bucks..so little lor..but for camp, haf to get any jobs available la..cg tml at esplanade again..looking forward to it..

and to my sheeps..when do u guys wana meet mi for shepherding?!

random tots

so many things to say..some of which are quite outdated..

watched MOON CHILD on friday..its this collaboration show thingy between hk, japan and taiwan..leads are : gackt, hyde and wang leehom..its a vampire show and its nice..plot sucks but its a gothic sad show..wang leehom is soooo shuai la!!..gackt and hyde are soo pretty together..learnt a new word from puay..SLASH..sucky plot + good cast = NICE SHOW!!..hahah im so superficial..

went gym and swimming today..applaud ppl!..unhealthy jinqi has decided to be healthy and go exercise..soon u ll see a slimmer, tanner, healthier version of mi..mi and emu lost 250 calories today!!..but we went ikea to eat chicken wings..and i juz ate cake..EXERCISE FAILED!..bleah..i got 2 weeks hols again..blessing in disguise!!..cos 2 weeks can work go earn money for church camp as well as help ppl who are taking their Os..i like being busy now..so tt i cant enjoy my habit of slacking!..god helps mi..

got jobs!..gonna work at aly there..aly is such a gggrrreaaat fren!!..she's really like my elder sister..i mean, if i haf an elder sister she ll prob be like aly..she's so nice and looks after mi..thank god for her in class too..always makes mi laugh and den end up i dun hear watever tt the lecturer juz tot..oh well..anyways..HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!..tks for inviting mi..ur present is coming!!..

doing a whole lot of online shopping recently..my first package juz came in today!!!..full house OST..muhahahha..rain is cute and kim sung su is hot..so worth 13.50 yeah?..yup i can lend u guys!!..queue up ok!?..gonna go dance on wed with emu..its gonna be sooo fun!!..2nd package prob coming tml..3rd and 4th too..wahahah..

its my maid's bday..HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNTIE!!..hope u like the cake tt i bought!!

school rox!
classmates rox!
shopping rox!
box rox!
church rox!
fanily rox!
god rox!
my life rox!

renewed and refreshed

im feeling happier than i haf felt for a looonnnggg time!!..and abt time too i shld say..enuf of drifting and dragging my feet..time to buck up, wash my face and go on in life..im joyful..so so joyful..words cant describe how im feeling..

i love hope..seriously love hope..i dun tink i ll ever leave tt place even if my mom threatens to disown mi(not saying that i want her to do tt)..i can never imagine going somewhere else rather than hope..its not JUZ a church to mi..its like..i dunno..ppl who do yoga may say, its my happy place..so so many memories..i cant rmb my life before i joined hope..if u ask mi to rmb wat i was doing i can honestly tell u tt all i recall is the trouble-making days i had in css..it seems that my life only juz started when i came to know god in hope..

im not gonna tell u that my church is a 'seng-nan' place to be in..juz ask any hoppie and they ll give u the same answer..u cant slack there..u feel bad..u cant juz go to hope and be a saturday christian..if u do tt u know wat..u miss out on a whole lot of fun!..u miss out the very essence of wat its like to be a christian..cross my heart and hope to die..

hope doesnt allow ppl to drift..it challenges ppl to do things that they HATE doing..it dares us to do wat we never expects or want to do in our entire life..i mean..does it makes sense to spend 7/8 of ur time doing religious stuff like attending meetings, shepherding ppl, go church etc?..y do i still do it anyway?..simply, because of the love of god..i love god..and i love hope..its so cool to join the youth svs..cos we will be in the same family from young till we get older, get married and die..isnt it cool to see ppl whom u know as a teenager getting married?..hahah..im getting carried away..

i feel renewed and refreshed..time to cut away the dead branches and grow new ones..ive been forewarned..its gonna be damn painful..but juz like wat nicole said..wats a little pain compared to all tt u ll receive after it?..easier said then done..so many ppl cant go thru the pain and they give up..a wasted trip..god i so pray tt i wun end up like them..

to all my sheep(s) and my ppl..HAHA..ur cl is back in action..im not gonna slack anymore so u guys haf no more chance to slack too..i know i ll be getting a lot of bites from wat im gonna do to u guys..i shall aim to become dispensable in central f..

im sick

im sick now..dunno its indigestion or food poisoning..actually im quite glad tt im sick?..cos im supposed to be having a test rite now..but i haven really studied..so gonna go to the doc later and take mc..i know..im such a loser..gosh i feel like vomitting..

so anyways..haven been doing much these few days except TRYING real hard to study but to no avail..wat a lousy attitude tt i haf..i really hate this module..maybe i shld haf juz gone today, bear with the pain and juz finish the stupid paper..i tink im gonna do real bad anyway..hmmm but now since i haf a 2nd chance, maybe i shld study harder..

im broke..and im still doing online shopping..all tks to MISS ANG ah..hahaha..cant wait for chuch tml..i tink i really miss toking to janey..haven tok to her in WEEKS..nothing much to say now..im gonna see the doc..

:)

i tink im starting to like exercising(gasp!!)..i cant believe it too..yest in my sour mood i reluctanly went to dance class with geneie and ruisi and after the class..voila!!..i felt so much better..ok i sucked at dancing..and my legs + butt hurts so much now!!..im not going with them again..i feel so xia suay..bleah..

random thinkings:
i love my class..its been so long since i had a fun class that i enjoyed spending time with..jc really ruined my perfect childhood..i loved commonwealth and especially 4/5..tts the best class tt anyone could ever possibly haf..well except for the class dog i guess..4/5 rox man!!..i still rmb how we used to pride ourselves when we hear our juniors saying that they want to go to 4/5..woo-hoo!!..guys remember?!..my jc classes sucks..ok maybe it was the lecturers..lets not tok abt those days..den now..i haf a fun class!!..makes going to school everyday so much easier when u know tt u enjoy ur classmates..oh well..

so looking forward to camp..gotta sign up soon for the early bird thingy..theres so much preparation going on now..it juz hypes up the excitement for mi..kent ridge hall again..i rmb playing panic in the hall..gosh are we gonna do tt again?..if we r den i gotta rmb to bring plasters..i predict a lots of cuts and bruises..hahha..4 days!!..tts ubber cool..

reminded of sumthing : do not be an organization clog!!!..yup..tts mi sumtimes..

shld i go swimming?..

reality

i haf juz finished watching full house..a nice ending..i like it..but again..my feelings are all jumbled up..and suddenly..im reminded y i had stopped myself from watching any more romance dramas a few years back..i used to love these dramas..i watched as many as time allowed mi to..its been so long tt i cant even rmb the last romance drama i watched..

but as fate would haf it..i chanced upon my mom watching full house on scv one day..i sat down on the bed and tot i would catch a glimspe of it..a mistake..i got the vcd..and i finished it within 3 days..cried my heart out and got so immensed that the real world doesnt seem to exist at all..

wat i hate abt romance dramas is the ending..the sweet ending where the leads get together and live happily ever after..not saying tt i aint happy abt it and want them to break off..but when i see that final scene..when i see the credits roll..im reminded that im being brought back to reality..the actual world in which im living in..the things i haf to do today..the roles i haf to carry out..nothing is as it seems in the show..nothing..the world is so tough..the world aint so nice..my life has to move on..and i haf to take control of my life once again..

i always wanted to be an actress when i grow up..if not juz doing sumthing tt relates to television..because i wan to see, to experience the actual filming of the show..to see the cameras in front of my face..to see the actors reciting their lines..to see the bright lights that fill the room..to see the make-up artist at work..so tt i will know that none of wat i had seen in the shows are true..that they are all frauds..stuff that happens in the shows can nvr happen in real life..things dun happen tt way..i want to know..no i need to know..tt life isnt all that simple..where a guy loves a gurl and they live happily ever after..it doesnt happen..the world is too complicated for such a simple thing to exist..

i love watching the blobbers at the ending of the shows..or juz seeing pictures of the actor, director and crew at work..because i need this confirmation that it is juz a show..there are ppl working there..there are more ppl than juz the leads..i haf to know tt the story isnt true..that it is juz a fake..and now, its time to go back to ur lifestyle..u haf things to do..u haf to study..u haf to plan for cg..u haf to shepherd ur sheeps..u haf to work out ur nxt move..move on, move on..

i tink theres sumthing wrong with mi..hahha..y do i insist tt simple things dun happen?..y do i insist tt love isnt all that easy?..ah i rmb..god nvr intended for this complicated world..god nvr intended for love to be soo hard to survive..i guess in every human being's heart the yearning for true love is there..some seek it in other humans..some labours after it in their careers..some seek it in their wealth..but there is never complete satisfaction is there..because it aint the same in the shows..we all long to be in the shows..to treat our life on earth as a play..come in from the left and exit thru the right..no worries abt anything at all..juz follow the script and things ll turn out fine..every step is worked out for u..

god is there true love in the world tt happens in the movies?..god pls remind mi never to watch a romance drama again..i cant afford to let my emotions get into my head..i cant afford to make a mistake of turning away..i cannot allow satan to use this against mi..fill mi with ur love god..and once again tell mi..tt everything is so simple..i juz haf to follow ur script..

give mi some time to get back to my usual self..leaders are human beings too..sumtimes we need to feel for ourselves..

suan le ba

离开我你说是为了我好
可知道这句话伤人不少
就算忘不了 没有大不了
反正一切都不再重要

我的心既然你全都不要
何必在继续让彼此困扰
斩断纠缠的爱 从今就一了百了

wow haven been blogging for a long time..many ppl haf been telling mi stuff bout my lecturer post..yeah i admit..its a little well..not good?..tts mi..always one emotional person who knows the consequences yet still go ahead and does things..but luckily..god always prevents mi juz when im gonna go overboard..before i slip too deep till the point of no return..juz before..always juz before..god does things like tt..only after i haf given up the struggle den he steps in and shows his power and majesty..how i love him so..

things said are only known to Him and mi..its the secrets tt u keep inside that makes u sick..how true is tt..but thankfully..my secrets are made known to jesus who lives within mi..secrets that only i know..secrets tt i ll nvr share..secrets tt i ll bring to my grave..how i love him so..

none of the above ll make sense to u guys..so dun bother disciphering..going to celebrate angel's bday now..ll be back to blog later..i got full house!!..thank you june soooo much!!..

finally

finally my internet is working juz fine again!!..one day before my project!!..yeah thank god and my dad!!..which means..ive gotta dive head-first into my research gathering again..pray tt i dun drown tonight cos i badly need the marks from tml's presentation for this module..

wat in the world am i studying so hard for?!!??!..

im in lurve!!

watching full house recently..a korean drama series..have any of you guys watched it?..ok if u dunno the english name..heres a pic for u..



any signs of familarity?..its a nice show!!..starring korean for the moment maga star Rain..BUT..the main star for my post is the other guy called..kim sung su..he acted as a rich charming suave guy and of course..women throw themselves at him..but he likes the lead actress..AND I WOULDNT MIND IF THE LEAD ACTRESS DUMPS RAIN AND GOES WITH HIM..

he's korean, 30 yrs old, 185 cm tall, has a GREAT bod (6 pacs le mai siao siao), is sooo charming (cos of his bushy brows), has a mesmerising smile (u ll juz melt) and is so sexy..hmmm..quite old..i tink my taste is moving towards older mature sexier guys now..ahhaha..a lot of his pics coming up..so go away if u dun wana see..sorry..





he looks best in a tux i tink..







see wat i mean!?







this is thr guy who starred beside him in full house..i tink she's quite chio tho she acted like as a bitch..



i know..wat in the world is she wearing?!..



ok i gotta stop..i almost uploaded my whole picture gallery here..hahaha..theres still a lot more in my com!!..gosh..he is so unreal!!..wow..

pms

ive been feeling moody and irritated for the past few days..i tink..that i haf pms..one of the worst cases ever in my life..finding fault with almost every single thing and everyone..and wats worse..my com cant load my ff7 disc..i hope my pms disappear soon..before tt..try not to tok to mi..

wah lau im so pissed at my lecturer today lor!!..such an asshole man!!..ok altho everything is ok now i still haf to complain!!..

he's damn strict on attendance..and my school is u cannot miss more den 3 lessons or u ll be barred from exams..so this guy here tells us that we haf to reach at 910 when he was calling out the attendance or else he wun give us a tick nxt to our name..which means tt we arent here and hence..we are absent..

i rushed out from home and walk there in my clogs which made my feet bleed cos i walked too fast, juz to reach there on time..when i went into the room..he was already calling like name no. 8..cos of my surname which is ANG..i was no.2..so ofcourse..he would haf called mi already and i didnt answer..so i went to him and said..oh im here..he was like okok i got it..wat a liar!!..

so after tt at ard like 1pm i went to sign attendance for afternoon session..and i realised that it wasnt ticked!!..so i went to him and i said..oh i was here at 910 this morning..u said u saw mi come in..and u know wat tt !#@%^$!!?$ guy replied?..no u werent here when i called ur name..i was momentarily stunned..ok i cant blame him if he was OLD and had a short memory..so predicting that BEFORE i went up to him..i brought my fren along to justify..and he still insist..i only mark when i call ur name and u answer..wat a jackass!!..so i said..cos im no.2 so i wasnt here when u called mi but i came in slightly after tt..and that jerk said!!..sorry i cant do tt..i can only mark u when u answer..WAT KIND OF LOGIC IS THAT?!!..i mean!!..wat the hell?..so ppl who come after mi but cos their name is at the back of the register so they are early la!?..den im late la?!..so fuming already at tt time..i said in the nicest voice i could muster..huh but this doesnt make sense wat..cos u call from the front..so nxt time u call from the back la..den i ll be early..CORRECT RITE!??!..and tt ASSHOLE said..nope i cant do tt..i call from top to bottem..

wth!?.so xiao zhang for wat?!..christian somemore!!!..siao ah u!!..if i was really late den nvm la!!..budden i rush till my leg bleed leh!!..den like this i might as well be late rite?!..idiot!!..so i decided that i should not waste my breath on this kind of person and i said..fine ok..and i walked away..

DEN AFTER TT..when we were doing grpwork..he asked all my grpmates..was she really here at 910?!..so u know u were wrong already la!!..tt u dun make ANY sense at all la!!..i tot u very xiao zhang wat!..dun bring up this topic already lor..and of course my fren said i was cos I WAS WAT!!..den FINALLY he tick mi..as if i xi han lor!!..

PUI AH!!..i shall not let this kind of ppl ruin my module lor..i ll study hard and heck care him in future..i know he's my lecturer..he haf authority over mi..ok lor..i dun deny tt..i conform to ur authority..but i dun respect u..i shall not waste money lor..chey..

theres sumthing wrong with blogger..again..so till the prob is fixed..im not gonna blog cos i hate problems..