busy week

sorry for not updating bert!!..its been a busy week..well..not exactly busy..wake up at 630 everyday..go work..slack..end work..go slack..come home sleep..hahhaha..no time to go online at all!!..apologies ppl..hahha..

from monday till fri i haf been going to expo!!..dear frens..if u dunno where expo is..its one stop before changi airport..and i stay at yew tee!!..lemme do the mental calculations for you ya..one and a half hrs!!..yesh!!..train ride ONLY!!..boring trip cos i cant do anything except stone so early in the morning..go there..and stone somemore!!..till 6 pm!!..goodness..i get paid to stone..unfair?..yeah i know!!..too bad!!..wahhaha..

okok..it wasnt really tt terrible..the company i was working for was a swiss company..so i get to meet all sorts of ppl..from germany switzerland etc..different cultures different environment..but they are all great ppl..was fun to be with them..cracking jokes and whining bout how boring it was..hahha..now its over..and honestly..im a bit sad..i mean..i dun tink i ll ever ever see these guys in my entire life again..our paths juz crossed once and no more..its sad yeah..but tts life..sigh..

joyx:sorry i cant tag at my tagboard..dunno y..yeah!!..im so glad god brought mi into this big family with great frens and sisters like ya!!..take care!!..

diary

i found my diary which i wrote at the beginning of last year..one week exactly after i decided to go back to church..lemme share one article with you guys..

11th Jan 2004 Sunday 8.30p.m

i feel like committing suicide!..really i do!..i cant stand it anymore!..there's so much homework to which i dunno how to do!!..den i feel tt im gonna fail my tests..surely one..and i cant get good results for my 'A's..so what the hell am i studying for?!..i wana go and join Hide!!(a member of x japan who died)..den there ll be no more troubles..all would be peaceful when i meet god..oh y am i in this world?!..is this y Hide killed himself?..even mi..who seems to like living also haf times when i feel like dying..is it bec of this and under the influence of drinking that he hung himself?i tried to kill myself juz now by (i shall bleep this part out)..it was horrible!!..did Hide experience that?!..oh its a sin to kill oneself!!..would he be sent to hell?!..i hope not!!..god!..if he didnt meant to kill himself..if it was an accident..pls forgive his sins!!..he didnt mean it!!..did he?..did he really planned to kill himself?..

my handwriting sux!!..haf to improve it..everytime i look into Hide's eyes on that poster..i really feel like hanging myself too..if i hang myself on the doorknob like he did..i would die looking into those gorgeous eyes of his..den it wouldnt be so bad rite?..to die while looking at him?..to know that i ll join him soon..the song 'tears' is playing now..the pain is building..the sorrow..emptiness..its all coming..pushing mi..tempting mi to end it all..juz a few minutes of physical pain..and i can let go of everything..den i would be able to see Hide..y did he leave?..how could he?!..

ha..i've only gone thru one week of school and this is wat i feel already..to kill myself..school sux..how can one fucking building make mi feel like this?..so wat if i cant go into a uni?..its not the end of the world!!..but i know..i have to go there..im my parents only hope..my brother's wasted..now all their hopes are on mi..y?..y is it so unfair?..everyday i put up a farce in school..but im actually dying inside.."dry ur tears with love"..love?..where's the love?..i noe one tt comes from god..but tt love makes mi wana go up there and join him sooner..oh god..ur love is so great..i dun deserve it..i would nvr deserve it..save mi..

-the end-

every word there is true..no editing of words at all..some entries are worse than this..reading this now..i seriously tink tt back den..im a pscyhopath..hahha..ppl who know mi now..can u imagine mi like this at all?..i myself am shocked when i read these..i actually went thru this?!!!?..

this..my fren..demonstrates the power of jesus' love..he read my entry and he did wat i asked of him..he saved mi..thank you lord..

i miss you

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

I miss you (I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick, strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted
the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
I miss you, miss you

is she lying or is she not?..is she doing it or is she not?..is she helping or is she not?..so many questions..probably i ll nvr get the answers..

i wana work at coffeebean..hahha..and get well soon germ!!..

caregroup

i love my caregroup!!

Frankly, I do not see anything wrong with working in subway cafe. It is perfectly an 'alright' place to work even in the night shift. But not in a Karaoke TV lounge. Unfortunately, you always choose to lie (or rather hide the truth). In fact I was indeed very trumatised by what happen yesterday,cause I always choose to believe you or my children. I told myself to giveyou once more chance but I really REALLY FEEL like a FOOL. Somehow, you have lied again and again and it does not occur to you that you are not respecting us (YOUR PARENT).When you are a parent yourself, you will truly understand why we are so protective.At this point, I am still unable to bring myself to forgive you.

now u c wat kind of house environment i live in?..if i didnt respect them..i would haf fricking left the house a long bloody time ago!!..if it wun for god..i wun haf put up with them and listen to all their shitting towards mi..lemme ask u guys a question..is calling the police bec ur child didnt hear the fone ringing and hence didnt ans u 'protective'?..or its seriously overprotective?!?..how can a mother say tt she cant forgive her child?..for god's sake..den who else ll she forgive?..JESUS IS SO UNDENAIBLY GREAT!!..he forgave mi!!!..and my own mother didnt!!..shit crap..maybe she should try to be her own child for one day!!..how can u explain sumthing to someone who has already set their minds so tightly on sumthing tt they refuse to listen to watever reason watsoever and then they blame you for not communicating to them?!?!..wtf?!..sorry im damn pissed now..

thinking: if church ppl who are totally not related to you can forgive you..why cant ur own parents not??!..F***!!
praying: lord give mi patience..lord give mi self-control..lord help mi to forgo my rights..thank you jesus.

amazing

isnt it amazing that when u make a big mess up in ur life and somehow..god manages to salvage ot all?!?..isnt it amazing that how one single sin can mess up ur whole life and make you so uneasy and restless before god?..isnt god amazing?..

we almost,almost, fell into temptation..it was so so close..it was right before our eyes..and at the very last min..with lots of urging from god..we turned our backs from it and walked away..the temptation was good..in fact it was very good..but we walked away from it..go back to hell satan!!..at that point..we felt so free..so happy..so joyful!!..the feeling cannot be described in mere words..it was amazing..

it was not all in vain tho..we had an amazing tok..and we encouraged one another..and we brought each other back to god..im so happy for you!!..i so so happy..hahaha..

nows the clearing up part..the aftermath of the sin..lying is not good..it brings nothing..well satan might haf accomplished to totally demolish trust..6 mths of hard work and all down in one day..i hate you satan..but i know god ll help mi thru this..he ll..and this time it'll be stronger..i wun lie again..even if its the big fat ugly truth which i know ll hurt..i ll still say it..cos its living the rite life with god..and living this life gives you total freedom..

i experienced it myself..again..hahah..how many times do u haf to sin in life before finding out bout the miracle of god?..i thank you lord..and i love you..

as u ppl can see..im bored..its not the normal kinda bored..i dunno..its like..u purposely wan to be bored so tt u are so sian tt u dun wana tink bout anything else and concentrate on whining bout being bored..u guys know wat i mean?..i tink it happens more frequently for mi now..

yesterday night..i spoke to god in the safety of my room..i felt so damn tired and i dunno..fearful..of wat i dun even know..i feel so erm..fake..its like im this cheerful person on the outside yet inside im so empty..empty yet so full..so wanting to get this burden off my chest.to really pour out to someone..but i dunno who i can find..when i tok to shuyi..i really wans to tell her..but when it comes to tt point..i dunno wat to say..and somehow..i always end up worst..more irritated at myself..i know theres sumthing tt i wan to say..but i dunno how to say it..its frustrating..

but god knows..he knows..slowly..he's peeling off my every layer..helping mi understand wat i feel..and slowly..i can put these feelings to words..slowly slowly..my life's like a dream..u juz drift thru it..tts not good aint it..not good at all..

are there times when somehow u can really sense the devil and all his midgits?..i could feel them yesterday..when i prayed in jesus name to drive them all out of mi..i wan a turning point..i wan to brace myself up..i wan to plan for cg..i wan my sheep to be closer to god and tt i can also be close to them..but..i dunno..oh forget it..i cant find the words to say it..i dunno wats going on inside of mi..

screw

frenster and blogger is totally screwed up..i cant open both on thurs..or maybe its sumthing wrong wid my com?..oh no!!!..pls dun let sumthing happen to my com!!..i ll die from no internet access!!..praying hard..pls dun crash pls dun crash!!

anyways..today my house was a warzone!!..seriously!!..we against our enemies..the cockroaches!!..those irritating yucky small little pests which brings fear into even the bravest of hearts..those pesky little scoundrels whose tiny legs can spread diseases from one end of the earth to the other..and its so invincible tt it can still live for one week after you sliced its head of!!..using fuel cells from their tiny brains located in their smelly asses to run abt until they finally die from hunger!!..horrible little creatures!!..the worst tt god ever created!!(its so terribly hard to love them dun u agree?)..y den we wonder..didnt Noah cut a tiny hole in his ark so tt these beasts could mindlessly run out of the ark and drown in those waters..arghh!!!..i detest them!!..

on mon..i found three..i repeat three!!..of these irritants lurking ard in corners of the dustbin..no doubt looking for scraps to eat so they can all grow wings and invoke more terror from my mom and mi..i was so horrified at them tt i ran all the way from my kitchen to my mom's bedroom and asked her where she kept the bygone..and as soon as i got it..'spssssttt'..and those 3 losers were on their backs..ha!!..victory!!..but there were more!!..when i opened the cupboard..oh my goodness!!..backup from the roach team!!..with a few more sprays from the can..they were dead too!!..but i know this was not the end..some mama roach muz haf laid her precious brood of baby roachers sumwhere in my cabinet..and if i dun clean them all out..they ll overtake us all..so it was set tt today..9th of April..shall be the date where humans and raoches fight head-to-head till only one survives..our weapons..cans of bygone and books to squash them..the roaches weapons..those ruthless legs which can help them to run for their lives..we were all set for da day..

today..at 11:35 am..war broke loose..my mom my maid and mi cleaned out the cabinets..we took out every single container or bags and left no more hiding places for the pests..detached the drawers so tt every dark corner ll be exposed..we stopped any drainage holes in there so they couldnt escape..and we fumed the whole kitchen with bygone..it stinks..seriously..and after 2/3 hrs..we could see those pesky midgits running abt the floor..finding a space where there was fresh air..found none and lay on their backs..having moments of spasm as they finally breathed their last..victory to the humans!!..the enemies were destroyed(i hope)!!..hahahahhhahah!!!..now the kitchen has become safe once more!!..humans won!!..and den it was off to shower..(kitchen still stinks now btw)..

den it was off to church..today's svs was great..to be honest..i was really tired of being a cl..really really tired..during worship..i was telling god to take all this away from mi..i juz wana be with him..i really cant take all this anymore..but tk god for sermon and dmm..i learnt sumthing today..sumthing like wat xiangyu said before..usually when we meet with obstacles..we pray to god to help us by taking away these obstalces..but instead..we shld pray by asking god to guide us thru this..we shld not avoid these situations..faith is the most fundamental thing in a christian's life..prayer is the key to unlock god's promises..yes..i learnt all this today..today ll be my turning point..i wan to be wat pastor jeff said..i want to be/haf a paul barnabas and a timothy in my life..no more laziness..time to really really truly depend in god..

went out with soon li and baoyue today..went to eat cafe cartel..ahahha..again..really missed them..missed the old days too..its was so great to juz be with them again..feels so at ease and so fun even tho we haven seen each other for like wat..a yr?..great time spent today..and nxt sun..we are going kbox!!..hahah..so cant wait!!..goodness..i sound like im gushing!!..really cmi..hahah..gonna call the guys too..its after the exams so they shld be able to make it..really really hope so..i heard tt the guys can sing really well..hahaha..i so cant believe it..haf to hear it for miself..heheh..oh btw..u guys shld really try the death by chocolate milkshake in cafe cartel..it like..the totally best milkshake i haf ever ever had in my whole entire 19 yrs on the face of the earth!..seiously!!..its so damn thick and chocolaty tt u can literally eat the chocolate..its the best..

water bap tml..kemmy's getting baptised!!..exciting exciting..hahahah..

tired

being with god changes you..being with god means you do things tt you wun normally do in the past..being with god gives you the courage and strength to do new things..it means He has enpowered you and He will be there with you every step..

but sumtimes its juz so tiring..sumtimes you feel like giving up..y r u slogging ur guts out?! u may ask..y stress urself?..some seek god and manages to pull thru..they become stronger..some dun pull thru..they fall away..their names get wiped away from the book of life..and they become the ones who were not strong enuf to believe in the One and Only..

some dun feel the need to put in their heart and soul..they do the minimum and they dun feel stressed..they stay on but retreat in times of trouble..going back to their worldly comforts..avoiding all they can..when everything's 'peaceful', they come back..and the cycle goes on..

some believes strongly in Jesus..but they insist on gaining their own desires..they compromise on God's Word..they tink tt if they r juz following one part of it..they can overlook the other part..they say they commit to god..yet they still wan to try out other things..so r they really giving everything to god?..

some knows that Jesus is God..yet they choose not to follow..these are the ones that confuse mi..you know yet you do not acknowledge?..wats going thru ur mind?..

while there are those who believes strongly in god..and they give their very best..they sacrifice much and say tt all these are juz an investment..and that they will enjoy their rewards up there in heaven with big old G..and there they ll gather with their frens..and enjoy for eternity..

which one r you?..can u see urself in heaven?..or are you still wondering whether your name ll be on tt oh-so-precious list?..god bless you guys..

bleah

hi..im finally back..hahahah..i tink this blog has cobwebs already!!..been too lazy to update it..wellzz..lemme start by saying this: SIMPLE PLAN ROX!!!

the concert was super man!!!..the atmosphere was so damn high!!..tks alicia babe for the tix!!!..you are the best!!!..its ONLY simple plan and i was dancing like crazy!!..we were jumping and singing and raising our hands and head-banging!!..totally sweaty by the time we ended..it was great!!!!...lost a few pounds i tink..at first it was complete madness!!..the crowd was damn idiotic!!..they broke the barriers and came rushing up to the front..we were totally squashed together!!..like a stampede!!..i can hardly breathe!!..luckily im tall(taller than most of them there anyways)..so i could raise my head and breathe in a little..honestly..i tot i was going to die and i prayed so hard in there..pls god let this end soon!!..but simple plan totally made up for it..well..pug jelly wasnt too bad..but they couldnt raise the atmosphere..but not bad at all for a singapore band!!..we sneaked backstage at the end, wanting to see simple plan but they had vanished away..but we sae pug jelly..they were ok guys..no airs or anything..but they were HUGE!!..well sam cooper is anyway..SIMPLE PLAN!!!!!..i can go on forever!!..

oh well..tok bout sumthing else..hmmm..wat else?..easter svs..one word..COOL!!..alvin you were super dude!!..tt hong kong accent is so great!!..everyone was totally cracked up by you..well..dan looked great playing dead too..he looked real..scared the shit out of mi..hahhaha..i love the rap too..and wat we did to joan's hair..so totally awesome!!..no converts tt day..sigh..but we got vistors..but no converts!!!!...awww man!!..gotta keep trying..god didnt say it was gonna be easy..

i quit my job..finally..getting quite sian already..and now i have tuition!!..i tink god is so great..rite after i quit..2 tuitions jobs flew to mi..but seriously..i tink tt im not cut out for tuition..wat i really want to do is some waitressing job..who wants tuition!?..contact mi please!!..asap..yeah..well..this will give mi the income for one mth maybe?..enuf money for church camp..god is great amen?..hahahha..i realised that i cant give tuition..i can teach and help ppl..but i dun wana accept money for it..seriously!!..accepting money gives you additional pressure..no money..i teach better..wierd..

did sumthing to my hair again..yeah..i love doing my hair..when you get the style..its like..whoa!!..you accomplished sumthing!!..hahhaha..i love colours too..but tuition now so cant really haf woo-hoo colours..haiz..no tuition!!..who wants tuition!!..one primary 1 kid who knows zero chinese and one sec 2 kid..really easy one!!..pls contact mi!!..gosh i sound desperate!!..yucks..

currantly reading--i kissed dating goodbye..