diary

i found my diary which i wrote at the beginning of last year..one week exactly after i decided to go back to church..lemme share one article with you guys..

11th Jan 2004 Sunday 8.30p.m

i feel like committing suicide!..really i do!..i cant stand it anymore!..there's so much homework to which i dunno how to do!!..den i feel tt im gonna fail my tests..surely one..and i cant get good results for my 'A's..so what the hell am i studying for?!..i wana go and join Hide!!(a member of x japan who died)..den there ll be no more troubles..all would be peaceful when i meet god..oh y am i in this world?!..is this y Hide killed himself?..even mi..who seems to like living also haf times when i feel like dying..is it bec of this and under the influence of drinking that he hung himself?i tried to kill myself juz now by (i shall bleep this part out)..it was horrible!!..did Hide experience that?!..oh its a sin to kill oneself!!..would he be sent to hell?!..i hope not!!..god!..if he didnt meant to kill himself..if it was an accident..pls forgive his sins!!..he didnt mean it!!..did he?..did he really planned to kill himself?..

my handwriting sux!!..haf to improve it..everytime i look into Hide's eyes on that poster..i really feel like hanging myself too..if i hang myself on the doorknob like he did..i would die looking into those gorgeous eyes of his..den it wouldnt be so bad rite?..to die while looking at him?..to know that i ll join him soon..the song 'tears' is playing now..the pain is building..the sorrow..emptiness..its all coming..pushing mi..tempting mi to end it all..juz a few minutes of physical pain..and i can let go of everything..den i would be able to see Hide..y did he leave?..how could he?!..

ha..i've only gone thru one week of school and this is wat i feel already..to kill myself..school sux..how can one fucking building make mi feel like this?..so wat if i cant go into a uni?..its not the end of the world!!..but i know..i have to go there..im my parents only hope..my brother's wasted..now all their hopes are on mi..y?..y is it so unfair?..everyday i put up a farce in school..but im actually dying inside.."dry ur tears with love"..love?..where's the love?..i noe one tt comes from god..but tt love makes mi wana go up there and join him sooner..oh god..ur love is so great..i dun deserve it..i would nvr deserve it..save mi..

-the end-

every word there is true..no editing of words at all..some entries are worse than this..reading this now..i seriously tink tt back den..im a pscyhopath..hahha..ppl who know mi now..can u imagine mi like this at all?..i myself am shocked when i read these..i actually went thru this?!!!?..

this..my fren..demonstrates the power of jesus' love..he read my entry and he did wat i asked of him..he saved mi..thank you lord..