shagged

im damn shagged now..went jogging ard my estate in the evening and feeling super drained out..i wonder why i can run for so long on the treadmill but not that long when im outdoors..i shld ask wj that question..

still haven got my pictures of the US trip from adeline yet..she's holding them hostage till i go for sergent's chicken rice at food republic with her sometime next week..i shld haf held ur glucosamine hostage instead of releasing it back to u so easily that day!! hmpf..

met eelee for lunch today and gave her a treat at our favourite hang-out place - park mall's sakae sushi haha..its been a long time i ate sushi!! partly due to my mouth, which still cant open and hence eating sushi is such a chore..didnt eat any soft shell crab handroll today cos i cant open my choppers big enuf to stuff it in:( ..getting salmon sushi in calls for a celebration..at best, i shall eat chawamushi till im better lol..

and ive diverted from wat i originally wanted to say..so anyways, i met eelee today, and i got some of my stuff out to her..i guess, when things have turned so bad, the only possible next step is that things are gonna be better..and thats wats happening now..the worst came during the past few days, i survived them, so im gonna survived the next few days lol..

you dunno how u met mi you dunno why
you cant turn around and say goodbye
all you know is when im with you
i make you free
and swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea
im singing

follow me everything is alright
i ll be the one who tuck you in at night
and if you wana leave i can gurantee
you wun find nobody else like me

when i was at my deepest moment, when i was wondering whether i made the correct choice in deciding to use my youth to serve him, when i was counting the many outings i had missed all because of service on saturdays, when i was hurting over the things that im gonna let go, when i felt that i was all alone and no one cared, and when i felt that my frens were too busy for me, i found this song which i had loved when i was in sec sch..i know its not a christain song, in fact, it doesnt even haf a hint of anything godly inside, but i know, that god sang it to me..

all i know is when im with him, he makes mi free :)

ive learnt many things after my trip from the US..and i haf to give a big thank you to this person who helped mi so much thru this awfully painful growing point..i dun tink she knows mi haha, but i read her book - every thought captive, by jerusha clark..it is an amazingly wonderful book that spoke to me in almost every page that ive devoured..im sure that its not a coincidence i started reading her book when i was going thru my stuff..that muz haf been god's work :) so a big thank you goes out to him as well..its ironic, how i bought that book for someone, and im touched by it..

ive somehow learning that im a big mystery all by myself..and im unravelling so much of myself that i didnt know existed, or maybe ive always knew they existed, but im too afraid and ashamed to face them..my thoughts, motives, envious and lonely side, my desires..im starting to know them better, slowly but surely..starting to face them, to get to the bottom of my thoughts, and differentiating my needs from my wants..it is a wonderful feeling to be free again..

at the deepest darkest moment, u find out that, only god knows u the best after all.

i almost drowned, but once again at the very last moment, he came thru for me :) i know who i am now, im a child of god..and thats enuf.

thanks to a lot of my frens..i really appreciated it that u gave mi space when i asked, tried ur best to be there if i needed you..i will share with u all soon!

solitude

i watched pirates today..and i absolutely loved it..the reports said that it was confusing, but i managed to keep up with wat was going on and understand the show as it progressed..however, i do agree that it will totally make zero sense if u haven watched pirates 1 and 2..it doesnt really matter how awful a show is, 3 hrs of johnny depp in captain sparrow's body makes the seven bucks worth it haha..




an absolutely talented actor indeed, who managed to steal my attention away from reality for three hours in that so-familiar ps theatre..but after that, its time to turn away from that seemingly exciting life out there and back to mi, in this island of singapore..haha, maybe i shld watch it again..

went shopping today before xiang arrived..went shopping after that when she left too..i was a little down today, and hence i bought a guess wallet on impulse..it did lighten up my mood for awhile..and im still not suffering from the repercussions of my unnecessary buy, yet..maybe i will when the current feelings wear out..spent much of my day alone today, and i realize, solitude is really not my cup of tea..

an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

im not that strong, and i dunno how much longer i can psycho myself..reality is starting to wear mi out.

the week

its is finally raining in singapore!! gosh, abt time for some rain to come and cool off the steaming heat here..

my jaw still aches horribly now..it doesnt seem to be getting better..that sucks..still cant eat a lot..on the other hand, that ll prob help mi in keeping my diet under control haha..

meeting up with the box on 9th june, saturday..misses those frens of mine! haven seen them for a superbly long time..do feel bad that i haven really been able to go for their gatherings and stuff..but hmpf! i shall take more initiative to go out with them..and since my saturdays are free-er nowadays, i tink i can do a lot more meeting up with old pals indeed :)

i wonder why im still feeling so sticky even tho its raining.

i need to force myself to relate more with god..come on gurl, get ur life back on track.

announcement

i officially declare that im a lousy fren :(

am gonna do something abt it.

it ends tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

gosh this is such a catchy song..no thanks to adeline who kept singing it to me till i stole this song from her itunes..HMPF, i shall juz continue singing that tune from the song we heard in hongkong till u are so sick of it..

went to gym with adel emu and wj today..i ran 30 mins on the treadmill!! den 28mins on the cycling machine and 4 sets of push-up and 3 sets of different sit-ups..PLUS swim 10 laps after that..DAMN SHAG..my legs chui alr seriously..anyways, we haf decided to go to sp gym twice every week starting from nxt week..every monday and wednesday..so jackies plus bodyguard! (that means ayu and marc) do pls join us for our workout day..im missing jackies badly..

mr keith lim juz told mi that he pastor jiao and desmond are performing a dance on camp night..THAT i haf to go and see for myself indeed :D unbelivable boys they are..dun be discouraged for long keith!!!..dun let satan win this battle thats raging in ur school..the only reason why u are facing such problems is that devil is afraid of how u might use ur school to impact the world for god, thats why he's using such a cheap trick to stall u..but u know who wins in the end, the ones who follow god always win..and yes let mi repeat, ALWAYS..

u know i was abt to type something that would seem totally redundant here except to the person whom knows that im toking abt him/her and maybe to some others who knows wats going on in my life..but somehow, i tink maybe i shldnt write it here cos rite now, i really dunno wat im feeling..all i know is, i wana move on and i wana not be so dependant anymore..its time we take a break :D

my sexy voice doesnt seem to be leaving mi anytime soon..adel told mi she's so used to my voice now..and i dun quite rmb how i usually sound like haha..ah well, everything's changing..

hot hot hot

it is DAMN BLOODY HOT in singapore!

im pespiring almost every minute!!! and cant turn on the air con too long or else my mom will grumble at the amount of electricity im consuming to relieve my over-worked sweat glands..so maybe, i shld off the com and go sit down right in front of the fan and talk to god..that seems to be a wonderful idea indeed..

we sang thru it all in service today..its mi and god's special song :) im touched by his love..

issues are all ard..lost in an endless circle of confusion..waiting patiently for that tiny source of light to sparkle so i will know which direction to start making my way towards..i guess, its time to tidy up that room filled with boxes and jars of memories located up there in my brain..time to relocate some memories to labels that says - refer to again in six months..maybe by that time, i will be better..

sleepppp

met up with old frens for breakfast at ps macs at 8am today!! i actually managed to wake up at the time of 6am lol..and in the end, only jiehui and i were there ard the 8am mark..dan appeared a while later and it was juz the pathetic three..my frens juz cant wake up that early..all lazy ppl i muz say lol..used to be not able to wake up at that time too..maybe its cos of jet lag..

u know..its only like 9pm here but im super sleepy..its now like 6am in the US of A and im supposed to be sleeping..but i force myself not to sleep or else i will never be able to adapt to the singapore timing and always be sleepy at the super early time of 8pm..tho i sleep from like 11pm at night in spore, i ALWAYS wake up at the ungodly timing of 6-7am! cos thats afternoon there and my body tinks im only taking a nap when i wan to sleep..so when i dun sleep at like 3pm, my body tinks im not gonna sleep and hence i will be extremely fatigue at the super early time of 8pm..ahh dunno whether u get wat i mean, but im sure the jackies will understand haha..

went out for dinner with parents at singapore poly graduates guild..i had the nagging suspicion that i would somehow meet adeline there and i did!! since her parents always go there anyway..she went there for gym and den to eat curry fishhead..feeling guilty cos i was supposed to go to gym this afternoon but i fell asleep at 3pm (the sleeping time in US)..sian..tink i ll go tml..asked her whether she feels that no matter how much we eat here in singapore, it doesnt seem to fill us up a lot..and she said yes!! apparantly emu feels that way too..maybe we've been eating big portions in US and the portions here are puny compared to there haha..ahhh USA, i kinda miss those times..

i wana wake up in marriott residence inn with jackies again.

apart from that..went for cg yest and realized how funny my cg mates are..i tink i would really enjoy them a lot indeed :D looking forward to wat god has in store for mi in adults..i wana move forward and not drag anything with mi - thats too tiring..i know somethings are gonna be painful, but i cant haf everything with mi i guess..somethings will always remain the same, so i guess, i really dun haf to be so afraid..security in god, thats something i haf still yet to grow in..

got loads of time on my hands now..looking forward to learning driving now..mr lee when are u free? gosh, and i need to work to earn money to pay for such stuff..planning to learn driving and german..y german? dun ask mi..i juz feel like learning it haha..

alright, shall check email, do my exercise sets and off to bed!! nightz ppl :)

p.s. - ppl whom still owe mi a treat, or haf to set a time to meet up
claire, yk, sinyee, jarvin, winnie, angela, y-budd, xinyi..
catch up soon yea lol..when im still free :)

aloha, according to ayu

hello hello! im back in singapore..and im so tired now..7pm here, but its like 4am in LA..i didnt tink that jet lag would only start like now u know..tot i got over it in HK but im so sleepy now..but may be due to the extremely yummylicious mayim brunch i had with dad and mom today..haha..

so hows it in the US? i guess thats wat most ppl are gonna ask me..

no pictures yet cos its all with my other frens..took loads and loads of them..for a sneak preview..which shows like 25% of all the pics we took..pls proceed to click at this underlined link.

ok truth be told, i stopped blogging at this point yest and went to do something more impt - namely dota :D so its 8am now and im continuing this post..gosh, i tink something's really wrong with my body clock..i woke up at 7am! now whoever heard of that before lol..

hmmm i seriously dunno where to start ahha..ok i shall describe my trip..we took a total of 10 flights within one month..TEN flights!! can u imagine it..sounds like we are so rich or something..taking the airplane everywhere..singapore to HK to LA to denver to okc back to denver to LA to San Franciso to LA (again) to HK and finally to Singapore..tink of the amount of radiation we are getting from the sun man lol..apart from that, its a really nice view from up there on the airplane..u get to see huge masses of land that look so tiny from that high up..and u are flying amongst, let mi repeat, AMONGST the stars! there are stars everywhere..below, besdie and above..a sight that u dun behold every day u know ahha..

did u rise the sun for me? paint a million stars that i might know ur majesty?

ive always liked stars..every since i was a little kid, i would sit down at my window and repeat this prayer every single night - starlight, star bright, first star i see tonight, wish i may wish i might, haf the wish i wish tonight..and den i would repeat that same wish over and over again..hahah sometimes i got wat i wished for, sometimes i didnt..but oh well..it isnt the stars that gave mi everything, it was that big old guy up there..

missing oklahoma the most cos its the most relaxing place that u will ever come across in ur life..according to mr lee..its like still waters, and we are the few chinese pebbles that are thrown across the surface, making tiny little ripples here and there..and everything will settle down and return to that still surface when we are gone..misses marriott residence inn at west reno..and louise, air-con man gary, bumming ard with the gurls in room 824 and moving over to starbucks once in a while to check out on the drinks :D (yes adeline our room is 824, not 822)..climbed some mountains to savour spectecular views that are non-existant on this tiny singaporean island..encounterd some really heavy T(ornado) storms while we were there, the sky was literally RED..released a few measly ladybugs in an indoor botanical gardens..ran a mile, got my body fats and blood pressure tested, which made mi deicde that im going to exercise really hard man..shopped at that one and only penn square mall which somehow managed to entertain the whole horde of us for that 3 weeks..cooked meals, had some jackies gathering..caught a few animals on tape, had a miny tussle with a pig called grumpy (and boy was she grumpy indeed), learnt a new sport called basketball (its new to me) and so much so much more..

ppl are there are really frenly..and it felt like home every single night while we are all snuggled up in that wonderful inn..now the only downside was that america is a tipping country, and we spent so much money on tips that are like, not worth it! grumbled every single time we had to let go of some of our precious money for stuff that's not worth paying..hmpf..macdonalds there SUCKS..no wonder americans dun really like macdonalds..they shld come here and try it man! cant believe im craving for some good old singapore macdonalds right now lol..

school was..school..the three modules left memories that will be stored up in boxes and brought up once im hanging out with jackies again..ms binkley and mr guerrero, karlie harmon (oh fluff!) and dr nail (alright thumbtack if u guys wan to call him that!)..dr nail was really funny, in a not so common funny way..u had to literally catch his joke..denise short was so nice too..and we had nice dinner with two of our professors over there haha..tv production was something that was fun..i haf to go find that vcd and look thru it again..gosh jackies! we rock our socks off the walls, bounce them off the walls and onto the floor mans!

holidays were, holidays..san fran was freezing!! no u dun know and u prob wun understand till u've been to san fran when i was there..it isnt enuf to wear any amount of clothing at all!! u will LITERALLY freeze at night..stayed in some red light district in a horrible hostel which left all of us upset (and one paranoid for our whole stay there)..couldnt wait to get out of there and back to lovely marriott residence inn in LA..visited some places of interest in san fran, juz doing the tourist thing..thanks to wenjun's cousin for showing us ard and that wonderful treat the first day..seals are cute, but they stink..well, at least the seals at pier 39 stinked, a lot..alcatraz prison was no prison compared to good old changi prison..and i cant believe the prisoners complained abt the food there..there were getting spagetthi with meatballs! (the meatball part might not be true)..but they had nutritious food which actually tasted nice! how do i know, cos its the stuff we eat everyday..pasta, bread, fruit, coffee, tea etc etc..the audio trip was interesting..they gave us this little headset with a small radio like looking thing attached to it..pop it over ur ears and haf a physical walkthru down those alleys where prisoners and guards roamed before it was closed..listened to the greatest escape of all time and how ingenious some prisoners are in trying to escape (3 actually managed to using dummy heads to fool the guards)..visited castrol, the equivalent to homosexual town in anywhere u can find one..saw A LOT of gays..really a lot..marc and wenjun were in danger over there, but the gurls wun really in danger..gosh, the rainbow sign over a shop actually means tt its a gay shop haha..wun be see-ing much of that here in spore..

LA was interesting but tiring for me..well maybe cos ive been on a constant tour for three days, waking up at unearthly times of 7 to go sight-seeing..had some tour of the city, got to visit beverly hills, rodeo drive, walk of fame (and took a picture with my fav jack sparraws lookalike!) and sets of popular dramas like pacific blue and baywatch..universal studio on the 2nd day was juz absolutely thrilling!! loved the mummy ride which we set TWICE..and our picture was so freaking hilarious!!! went on a tour for some behind the scenes action of movies that were made..u wouldnt believe how realistic an earthquake can be in an underground subway station! gosh, when i get that video and upload it here, maybe it will explain a bit more..or u could choose the other option and ask mi straight! the waterworld show was nice..but we failed to take a pic with stone cold lookalike in smokers wear!! ARGH that was sadness for a moment..disneyland was next..didnt hold too many surprises cos its like an enlarged version of the one in HK..did some kiddish thing like lining up in the queue for one bloody hr to take pictures with beauty (from beauty and the beast) and snow white..got a pic with ariel!! she's my childhood fav! and many more..we took the whole day tour and started regreting at ard 7pm..so tired, that we slacked the rest of the time in a cafe like place waiting for the pick-up time to come..

HK was not so good this time round..maybe its due to the lack of time, plus tiredness and homesickness of the jackies..bought stuff for myself again..cos i really like the fashion there, cant seem to find it in many places here in spore (ok fine, i haf weird fashion sense i know haha)..didnt do much except shopping..OH and cutting my hair!! i really like it!! mr lee had his hair coloured! something he did for the first time..and missy adel fianlly added shorter bangs onto her forehead which looked so much better :D the food's not that fantastic..and we didnt manage to go causeway bay for sushi and krispy kremes (sorry derrick!) due to the lack of time..

and finally back home..the first welcome home message i got was from gerald! haha..im really glad that i chose to transfer to adults three weeks before i left singapore cos i tink it helped my thoughts and feelings while i was in america..and im missing my cg terribly..caregroup's on later and i cant wait to see them..meeting ms wynnie chong for dinner at isle cafe (YAYNESS!) before cg, looking forward to getting to know her better and telling her all the wacky things that are happening in my life! and yeah!! im gonna watch pirates of the carribean (my absolute favoritest show of all time) with beloved cg next saturday!! thank you gerald for planning the movie..

this reminds mi of something..im amazed at how some ppl haf such wonderful adminstration skills..like missy adeline..gosh, we couldnt haf survived the trip without her i tink..we wouldnt be able to get the paperwork done, and im sure that we will prob forget to do something thats impt halfway during the trip..she does everything! and i mean everything! dun u agree jackies? she keeps all those papers, regardless of whether they are useful or not..and she plans the hotels, flights, sleeping arrangement etc etc..so kudos to her! (not sarcastic ok! back in spore alr, ppl here not sensitive le haha)..gosh missing jackies too i realize..no more familiar faces when we wake up haha..like emu bird who sleeps with me on the same bed and plainly for comic relief..and tink american air is doing something to her brain, making her heahve some booger thats secrambbling up her brain, pumping it with lithuim and throwing all of us into fits of laugther..marc for always bringing us to the gym and carrying our really heavy luggages AND always disappearing to somewhere as we are walking together..ayu for being so spaced-out when she encounters some problems and her sudden bursts of nonsensical speech thats juz not ayu-ish, plus telling us NOT TRUE information with her its-a-fact tone of voice..and wenjun for, hmm, comic relief again..spasing us out with never-ending spews of facts and fiction (tho u cant really differentiate one from the other) and yes! for helping out with the luggage too..the gurls are forever in the debt of u two..

ok so back to singapore..meeting cg later! and old dmm next monday i tink..met dewen yest for a short while at lot 1 and he cracked mi up with his elaborated dramatic example of american speech..and y-budd nxt friday night..thats a lot of ppl at one go..kinda miss american life for now..will take some time getting used to the hectic lifestyle here again..and sighs, exams and assignments coming up..gotta stop procrastinating and start early!

the main message of the trip that i felt that god wanted to tell me - LET GO :)

ask mi that if u do wan to know..if not, im too lazy to type it out here too haha..

alright meeting joshua lee for breakfast later i tink..if he can wake up..im either gonna drag him to eat macdonalds, or yong tau foo..been craving for that :):):) yummylicious!!

home sweet home, soon.

its my last day in LA..flying off to HK for our last leg of our tour tml..after HK its back to good old (well, not that old actually) singapore and back to my safe little haven of my room..



haven been blogging much huh..gerald told mi to write some stuff here so that ppl will know how im doing..ive been doing fine! one word to sum up wat its like here in the U.S, cold..really cold, freezing at times too! wearing three layers of clothing is not sufficient sometimes haha..always tot of buying socks, boots, gloves but we never got ard to doing that haha..procrastinators indeed :D


stayed for four days in san fran in this run-down hostel which i really disliked :( so we scrapped the hostel idea in LA and spent our days in marriott residence inn on manhattan beach instead :D:D a wonderful idea if u asked me haha..this place really feels like home, makes the holiday so much more enjoyable..tip for future travellers, find a place u like! if u are travelling to enjoy urself, the hotel plays a super duper big part..u wouldnt wan to go to a backpackers' hostel, it juz makes ur holiday a little more..BLEAH..



had a hectic three days in LA..went on a city tour, universal studios and disneyland! loved universal studios cos i got to see the sets of some tv shows, special effects at work and all those magic moments that makes a movie so much more enjoyable..its amazing when u see how the things are built to work together..

ok my fren's hurrying mi to get off now..gonna haf brunch and go out byebye!

updated again!!

yes week 2 is over!! haha time really flew by for this module..cos we had tv production and we were so busy with it that days passed by with the blink of an eye..this module is really interesting..i reckon its the best out of all the modules we haf had so far..its kind of like a hands-on thing where u haf to be cameraman, director, audio director etc..so u know like on a tv set and at the control room which u see on tvs..yea we get to do that..

really had fun with that one..had this final project at the end of the week where its like 50 percent of the grade..got to direct and host parts of the show which will be burned into a cd and given to us..looking forward to that cd! but the whole process was quite stressful, was constantly worried that i might screw things up cos i screwed some stuff up preety badly during rehearsal..but thank god everything went alright during the final show!! calmed myself a bit before that, telling myself i can do it and that god is with me and everything will be a-ok..

seriously, all the credit goes to him :) i told him to help mi and he really didnt disappoint haha..god is great..

going to church again tml YAYNESS!

okok i wanted to upload fotos for all of u all..budden ah, after not posting pics for one week, i realised that there is DAMN a lot of pictures to upload!! super lazy to post all of them up so........pls go to missy adel's blog to view pictures ok!!

cant wait to walk ard in ps again..and to go cg..missing cg!!

here in okc

the first week of school has ended! 2 more weeks and den i can go on my one wk holiday with the jackies!! looking forward to that ahha..

school's normal, which means its boring and tiring..lifestyle class made mi ache all over cos we had to do so much pe in 3 days..yucks..and had to measure height and weight and body mass and stuff, feels like we are back in high school and jc lol..

went shopping at dallas, texas on saturday and that was the day when everyone went mad and shopped for stuff..hahha..things here arent that cheap, juz have more well known brands like wet seal, old navy etc..super lazy to post up pictures, and super lazy to blog..

so for pictures, visit this place!

i ve been preety much ok..having loads of fun with jackies! sleep comes real easily here, im sleeping at like 10pm every night when i usually crash at like 2am in spore..dun tink its jet lag, maybe its due to the long hrs of studying and having fun..the devotional book thing that central e CLs gave to me are really really helping mi a lot, and the stories in it are so so interesting and inspiring, so thanks a lot for that!!

oh interesting tidbit for the week..my personal lifestyle lecturer's name is ms binkley..and when i first heard that, i thought, binky? y is jarvin here? and i turned to look at wenjun and he turned to look at me and we realized we were talking abt the same thing! so funny! jarvin lim! when did u come to US? loll..