Secrets

Have you wanted something so badly that you constantly think about it and plead with God to make it happen?

A vow made, I didn't keep my end of the bargain. I know I do not have any more rights to ask for more, but hoping beyond hope that He will forgive me and find delight in my desires, for it is hopefully, finally pure.

With a clearer mind, a new promise made. Help me Father, for You know I am weak, but You are strong.

Ever Changing

Watched Freud's Last Session yesterday and I was struck by the last
few sentences Lewis uttered.

My idea of him, of God, keeps changing. He breaks it again and again.
You thought you come to a conclusion, yet He breaks it again and
brings you somewhere else.

That's what I feel God. I thought I knew, but it seems like I didn't know.

When will I know You completely Lord? For I'm so tired and desperate.
Hide yourself no longer from me, surround me with your presence Lord.

Feeling good

Honestly, it feels good to be back in action. To feel like there's a plan about in my life, yet knowing that no matter how many plans I can make, I will ever be astonished when the big guy up there looks through my puny efforts to make something conceivable about my life, gives a patronising smile at me, and then unravel his perfectly awesome plan, no rather, next step, for me.

And my prayer remains the same to this day, I just want 2 things in life: that His presence be with me always, and that He will make my next step so clear so that dull-headed me may never miss it.

Laying bare all else, those are the only two things I need.

Death

I wonder tonight, if death was really better than living. and is there
anything else after that?

why are human beings so scared of death? and it dawned upon me because
it's an unknown, no one yet has managed to give us a convincing
reality of the world that emerges after our eyes have finally given up
the splendor of all it has seen.

but Jesus spoke of life after death with such an alluring confidence,
a sure finality, like he knew what's going to happen. and it's that
thought that perhaps, just perhaps, he knew what lies ahead for us
after all, that pulls me through the most agonizing twilight hours.

another 3 hours before I have to rouse all my senses to cope with the
demands of daily life that comes with the obedience to live out our
mortality in some meager resemblance of a perceived humanity. better
get some sleep.