Thru The Nights

My computer's been acting cranky since yest and Gerald came all the way to ulu yew tee to fix my com so now I can come online again! Thank you :)

I've never been more contemplative about my identity and my life's direction than right now..it seems that the whole world's fighting for my attention and there are so many burdens weighing heavily on my mind..so many steps I wana take, so many people I wana talk to, so many situations that I wana deal with, so many relationships I wana restore..

As I stepped into my compound yesterday night, I felt something drawing me away from the lift platform and onto the pathway leading to my swimming pool..maybe it was the amazing view of a star studded night sky, maybe it was the night breeze that tempted me to stay a little while longer outside, maybe it was the silence that I found somewhat endearing, or maybe, it was God who was calling me to step out of my routined life for a little while and do something, unroutine..

Life is just so complex, so challenging, so unexpected and sometimes, even so hurtful..I wonder how I could ever pull through this journey called Life without God by my side..

Will I learn to let go?
Will I learn to trust once more?
Will I learn to persevere again?
Will I learn to love anymore?
Will I ever give my all again?
Will I dare to be vulnerable again?

Can I ever be the me that I've longed to be?

Yet, I've never been more convicted that I cannot go through one day without God than right now either..It surprises me how my thoughts can tilt way over the balance if I did not start the day off with a reading of the bible and a few quick prayers..how the complexities of life and my failures stand out so starkly that no matter how much I will, I can never get rid of the stigma that I've unconsciously placed on myself..

Beyond the smiles, the laughter and the appeared aloofness, who else but God will know how much I struggle..or how broken I really am? And all these, just reminds me of how magnificent God really is..

Because what else do we have to offer to God, except our brokeness? And yet, He takes it all :)

Sometimes when I think of how certain situations might not turn out the way I want it to be, and the familiar feeling of lost comes hitting me so strongly..the only comforting thought is this: No matter who or what I've lost, God knows and beyond this, God understands. And He is the only soothing balm for all our brokeness. What else can I do, except to trust Him?

And when my thought process reaches this stage, I will laugh at myself and think, come on gurl, there is so much more to life than this..sometimes we can be so inward looking and forget that the world is so much greater than who we are..that when I focus on my future, and the path that I will walk in, I realise that life is so much lovelier than being stuck where I am right now..and I will laugh at how much I expand my problems and diminish the power and greatness of God..

Tsk tsk, the things we say to ourselves :)