Just Give Me Jesus

Hiding and Sin are inseparable, just like how Siamese twins were created to be. You can try taking them apart, but they came from the same source, they were born together, breathed in their first breath together, and tho separated, will always be together..

Have been reading Judges on how the Israelites were prostituting themselves to foreign gods and only when the oppression from their enemies gets too hard to bear, will they finally call out to God and ask Him to deliver them.

And this verse touched me so:
And he could bear Israel's misery no longer.
Judges 10:16b

And it suddenly struck me how human God actually is. How He hurts when we hurt, cries when we cry, laugh when we laugh, and burn with anger for us when we are are bullied.

Truth be told, as I stared at this space, I wanted to blog abt how I thought that my r/s with God was a-ok, but the recent happenings made me realise that my r/s was not as ok as I thought, that my r/s with God was not strong at all, and end this post by stating how God humbled me and broke me and now my r/s with Him is so much better.

But that's a lie.

Well, not a total one, but it's still a lie. Because, my relationship with God was very deep, and already very intimate even before everything that has happened in the past few months. I didn't just know it in my head that God loves me and I love Him. I knew it in my soul that God loves me and I was his Little Miss Favoured.

Although I was tempted to veer off course several times, and yes I do admit I toyed with the notion of being rebellious at some point in my 6 years of Christian life, yet, I can say, my heart was undivided towards God. Even when I talked about Vanness and how much I love him, and about all the other guy troubles or grp troubles and as such, there was only one person whom I was dedicated and committed to deep down in my heart - and that was my Great and Tender Saviour.

I have never been able to commit to a single person, much less a group or an insititution and hence, when I celebrated my 5th bday in the Christian terms, I was very much surprised at how I am still, simply, in church. There has to be something about God that has captivated my restless spirit and hasnt let go yet :)

When I cried, God told me He will keep every single tear in jars and next time when I am in Heaven, He will show them to me.

I told God how I love the people around me, and He told me that in Heaven I can have a picnic with all these people whom I love for eternity, and time will never end.

When I felt lonely, God took my right hand and whispered "I Love You" into my ears.

At times when I sat down on my bed, and missed God, He sits down besides me and says, "So, you finally thought of me today" And then I will break down and cry, and tell Him that I'm sorry for neglecting Him today.

As I drooled over the hunks in taiwan dramas and wished that I had someone so romantic for my future husband, God is sitting right next to me, playfully teasing me for my superficialness and I retorting that this was how He created me.

When I sing songs of worship and praise in church, I tell him that I would like to go to our secret place, and He will transport me there while I, sometimes shyly, declare my love for Him.

I always knew God was with me, and that He loves me, and that is why, I dun really care, and have never cared, how the world looks at me, because I know everything will be alright.

I have so many memories with God, how could I diminish our relationship just because I wanted something better to blog about?! So disgusted with myself.

And this closeness I had with God is also the reason why I find it so hard to forgive myself for the hurts that I've bring to Him by prostituting myself to foreign gods. I let my heart be divided. After tasting the abundance of God, I've also had the chance to be exposed to the lack of God when I chose to do something against His will.

And I HATED it.

I detested, loathed, and burn with hatred when I realised I had simply given away the intimacy that I've shared with Him. And it was all for a stupid reason! How I've cheapen myself and brought hurts to Him. And in the process, I've hurt the people whom are close to me as well.

But thank God, true to His nature, when I cried out to Him to save me from my distress, He heard my cries, and He could bear my misery no longer. And so He saved me out of it. But that was not enough, even right now, God is patching up my brokenness, and healing me when I dun deserve it. He's restoring my friendship with one of my most treasured friend and I can't do anything to help Him. All I can do, is to let God be God.

How helpless we human beings are.

And like every story, we all must have an ending. And here comes my ending:

Very Preety Jinqi came running back to her beloved God, and they were closer than when they first started out. So, in a weird way, she's preety thankful for everything that has happened.

I don't care what riches you can offer me, I don't care what other forms of love you can provide. I don't even care if you give me control of the world.

All I want, is Jesus.