Reflections

OK I must do my reflections now, think I've procrastinated long enough, and if I don't do it this year, I will be kicking myself in 2010 and cursing my laziness..

Also, part of the reason why I'm only doing reflections in February was because I think I should count my actual end of year 2008 to be in January 2009 instead, because I closed one chapter that started from last year only in January this year..so this also consists of my reflections and learnings that I brought over to 2009..

Actually this whole reflections thing is largely for my own records and for my closer frens and leaders who want to know how my year has been..so if you arent really interested, you can like, click on some of friends links on the right and continue, erm, blog surfing. haha.

To start off, I made a crucial mistake last year when I didn't set the annual learning point which I've been setting consistently for the past past 2 years. This resulted in me having a very unclear and directionless year and sadly, I think I was just drifting around in adults while trying to find my identity in Christ. So, learning from my lesson, this is my learning point for year 2009:

To Grow In Self Control

I'm already beginning to see God moulding me in this aspect, because there are so many things going on in my life and I just wana give in to all the temptations ahhhh!! But no! For 2009, I must most definitely grow in my self control so, please pray for me!!

Moving onto reflections, its kinda sad that I don't really recall what's been happening for the first half of 2008, which goes to show how little time I've devoted to church and my ministry..I think this was the year where I assimilated myself more with the Adults culture, and somehow, I got a bit disillusioned and discouraged with the environment that I had been thrown into..And somehow, the world seem like a much, much more enjoyable place to be in..

In a nutshell, I struggled a lot with what in the world am I doing in Hope and what exactly is a life following Jesus supposed to mean..how come the rest of the world are striving for money, getting drunk, getting attached and just literally enjoying their life, while I had to struggle with so many moral issues with even just the thought of letting myself loose for a while..I was an empty shell in church, my spirit had left Hope..

So I went out to the world and took a look..I didn't participate, I was just an onlooker..I listened to my colleagues, friends and acquintances on how they lived their lives..I asked them several questions abt their views on money, relationship, death, life and God..and I came to this one conclusion:

The Christian life is not at all easy to live, but it is the only life worth living.

So I got past this hurdle, and I was glad..because now I know, I'm not serving the church, I'm serving God..and Hope is the avenue in which I was placed, and where I know I can serve God to my fullest extent..and so, I stayed on in Hope..because after all, this is where I grew up and where I learnt what it meant to live with a purpose :)

But as you all know, God works in mysterious ways..It wasnt long after I got past this struggle, that I encountered another..and I think God used this incident to drill my new found conviction deeper into me, where I hope that it is now firmly etched in my heart, and never to be taken away from me again..

I can't really say much of the details, but I can say what I did go through..and its a hell lot..

• I experienced the binding power that falls upon you and suck away ur r/s with God when human beings try to hide what is wrong
• I learnt who my true friends were, to differentiate those whom stuck to me when I had to go thru some of the worst heart pains in my life from those who, maybe, simply didnt care
• I felt what it was like to hurt a friend, and it ate so much into my very being that I just sat down in total disgust marvelling at what I was capable of doing
• I finally understood how basic biblical principles such as accounting are never meant to punish, but to help the person who is doing the accounting
• I am fully aware now of how it feels like to have God's presence withdrawn from me, and it is something that I never ever wanted to experience ever again, not for the sake of anything in this world
• I really, really detest living a double life

I decided to close this chapter of my life sometime in January, but the effects and consequences of sin isnt so merciful..thats the whole deal abt sin you know..it doesnt really hurt at that point in time when you are doing it, but it will destroy you slowly, bit by bit, and for a prolonged period after the act of embarking on that sin..

I did learn many things too!

• God is faithful :)
• God is loving
• God is full of grace and mercy
• The Lord is my healer
• The Lord restores me
• I am who I am - this is me. All the wackiness, my personality and my character, my thoughts and emotions, my values, my convictions and my honesty, this is how God created me. And this is the Jinqi that He loves.
• Maturity does not depend on age, it depends on what you do when thrown into a bad situation

Ok, before my eyes fail me, I better do my thanksgiving for the year. Lets make it short and sweet!

1) God
For loving one as ragged as me. For putting our relationship on the line, risking the notion that I might give you up just so that I can learn to love you better. For your faith in me, and for your healing balm and comforting words. I love you :)

2) Jasmine Loh Huey Voon
Seriously, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you in my life. Thank you friend, for EVERYTHING. Thanks for your support, your love, your words, your anger, your openess, your time and your presence.

3) Daniel, Pris, Tamar, Gerald, Eelee
Because I know being my leader is not easy HAHA.

4) Wynnie, Ruizhen and Elise
I will make more effort to grow these relationships, I promise!

5) NG1B2
My family in Adults hahaa..Eh, lets strive to know God deeper in our lives! I hope we move from always having fun to always having biblical fun in caregroups. Trust me, the difference is immense, and biblical fun just rocks my socks!

6) DWCG, Y-Budd and Jackies
I love spending time with you guys. You peeps light up my life!

7) Peeps at iGlobal
I think my job here is a huge blessing from God, and the people inside are simply wonderful and make work so much less stressful. And I really wana thank God for allowing me to work with Mr Lee in office. Man! This is a huge thanksgiving point haha. So different when Mr Lee is around to make me laugh, and you give me great advice in my problems! I dunno whether I told you this before but, you are one person who taught me a lot about handling my emotions. Im praying for you!! Come to know God better ok!

8) Youth - My JC and high school peeps
I will never forget all you guys and gurls. Each one of you lit up my life, and I will treasure those memories forever.

Ok, my eyelids are struggling against my will to meet one another and block out light from my pupils..sleep time!

Oh yes, Gerald. You asked me several times whether I regretted coming to Adults, and if given another choice, would I have chosen to stay in Youth. I love Youth a lot thats true, but if I didn't come over, I wouldnt have known what it is like to serve God from my own free will. Youth was part of my life, a wonderful one, but so is Adults. I never regretted at all. After all, I am still serving the same God.

Year 2008 was, hmmmmm, my brain juices are not working..How about I just end with, year 2009 is going to be so so different. God, please take me on an adventure again :)