reflections

and heres my annual reflection which i have been doing for the past 2 years..somehow the feeling of doing one now has seemed to mel somehow compared to the previous years..maybe its becos right now, i write more stuff down in my cute litte journal rather than spreading it all over here for everyone to see..

but i know the imptance of keeping this annual thing here, becos one day, im preety sure that i might lose my journal..and that happens a lot..

Year 2007, gosh, its finally over.

its only been a year, but somehow it seems that i ve gone through so much in these same 12 months..why?cos of a few dramatic drastic changes at certain points in my life..

First
would probably be my transfer from the youth to adults, someting which had never crossed my mind before till daniel discussed the possibility with me abt a month before i transferred..it was a preety scary time, and i learnt a HELL lot (emphasis added)..i dun tink that ive ever been so down, depressed, dejected at any point in time in my whole christian life..

i miss youth, i miss my guys, i miss acting for drama on stage, i miss my dmm, i miss my sheeps, i miss my shepherd (who flew off to chile), i miss the rocking praise and worship, gee, i practically miss the smell of nexus every saturday! (trust me, somehow nexus smells different on sat den sun)

i tot i was so down that i will never be able to become happy again.

i tot that my frens didnt care anymore, and this thought of losing my frens hurt me so badly that somehow i actually tot of physical hurt as that kind of hurt seemed to pale in comparison to what i was feeling inside me..how do u describe a feeling that hurts so deeply that u can feel it all the way from ur heart to ur stomach and even ur toes curl futility to somehow ease that pain? (yes the toes curling part is really true!)

and when i was at my deepest darkest times, no one seemed to care, no one seemed to be there..and i hated everyone for that..i was filled with a kind of sorrow that didnt seem to be ending..and i absolutely loathed that feeling, cos i knew that satan was gloating at his teeny weeny victory..

at that time, no human seemed to care, and i felt that only god was there, only god knew, and only god cared..and den i snapped out of it, and i realized how much god loves me that he was willing to risk his relationship with me over this matter..to teach me to be more independent of Man and more dependent on Him, my dear Jesus went to drastic measures to take everyone away..all to grow me :)

and when my eyes were finally opened, i knew that i was being unfair to my frens..so dear frens, i apologize for hating u all Haha..i really am sorry!..

and den the blessings started to come..this big change wasnt so bad after all, cos i went to a totally new cg..one where majority of the ppl were older than me, one were their after cg activities differ so much from the ones i was used to..it was a little overwhelming at first, and once again i didnt open up, that thought didnt cross my mind..i guess i was used to protecting myself, to keep all secrets to myself so that no one can ever have some sort of leverage upon me..

it took a whole lot of effort to tell some ppl my deepest darkest secrets..it took a lot of humbling to take advice from the others who were older than me..it took a lot of trial and errors to understand the different grp that im hanging out with right now..but im glad i did..cos now,

my caregroup rocks my socks, and i am SURE, we are THE most happening group in Adults!

thank you pris, tamar, wynnie, jenny, amy,elaine, david, hendra, edward, jaron, dingyuan, royston, eugene, gerald, davin for making my time in adults so so enjoyable :D

thank you lord, for this time of training, and for this most wonderful grp!

Second
would be my graduation from school and onto working life..gosh, working life is just so extremely different!! i never knew how tired i can be before the clock strikes 12 midnight..and seeing that the time now is already 11pm, im getting preety sleepy already..

when u start ur very first job, take my word for it, you will Definately feel like a TOTAL NOOB at everything! everyone else seems much better than you, everyone else seems to know much more than you..you are just some nobody who wonders at why did ur boss ever hire u in the first place..it scared the shit out of me to know that i was so inadequate in so many aspects, and it was a slap in the face to know that i had to start learning from the very basics..

my job was another gift from god, did i mention that? i had absolutely none of the requirements that were stated on the job scope, yet somehow, i managed to get to the interview..even more miraculous was how i managed to scrape through the interview without like, tripping over and falling down on my face..and wats the best, was how i managed to get that job, with such a high pay! amazing? yeah definately..not that i am complaining abt it :D lord, xie xie ni!

evax-ing to working adults is really different too..it takes a mighty long time before you see any form of physical success..usually talking and relating to the person will take a long long time, but when that person finally believes in god, man thats the best feeling ever!

and hence lord, i wana serve you all the days of my life :) becos nothing beats knowing that i have the ability to help pave the way for you to reach out to some ppl..nothing beats knowing that wow, god used me to helped that person join us in eternity..nothing, not even if i get like 50-0 in a dota match!

Random ramblings

its been a preety tough year on me..and i have a wicked hunch that all this stemmed from the Year 2007 resolution that i made in front of god..where i told him

Lord, for year 2007, i wana learn to have security in You!

and boy did i learn indeed..so much that its mind-boggling, energy-sapping, mentally tiring, physically exhausting, emotionally draining and almost, finally surrendering..

but i pulled thru :)

my secret weapons - the grace of god, my foundations laid so strongly in youth, and a determination NOT to lose to that creep satan..i guess the pillar of faith does prove to be effective after all lol..

which brings me to my next point - Thanksgiving

GOD
simply for everything..esp for risking ur relationship with me to open my eyes to ur work, to learn so many valuable lessons..ive found u now lord, and i wouldnt let go..dear father, still so much work to be done, im still so, unpolished..so help me lord, i wana dedicate my life to you, never to grieve you, but to fear you and love you with all my strength, mind, heart and soul.

Parents
for supporting me in stuff that i know you two dun really approve at times..for giving me space and time to grow..one day, u ll see why i love jesus so much..and i pray that one day, u will come to know him too..

Priscilla Tan
for your encouragement and wonderful advice..thanks for teaching me the principles of god, i m really honoured to be in ur grp :) ur presence makes mi so comfortable, a feeling that i seldom have when relating to ppl.

Tamar
when u opened up ur life to me, and showed me that you were human after all!! hahahah..dear shepherd, i hope that in Year 2008, i can get to know you better, cos i feel that there are so many things that we can do together, so many things to learn from you! and i will bug u alot!

NFBFF and BFF
wassup wassup!! u two just rocks my socks la..i supendously enjoy spending time with the both of you! and thank you wynnie for this new found frenship which somehow just blossomed, truly, god will make everything beautiful in his time :) and thanks for ur random encouragements here and there, ok being cliche, let us take this frenship to an even higher level alright NFBFF and BFF!

Daniel Cheah
ur undying, relentless, thought-provoking, anger-building efforts to bring me closer to the principles of god can be oh-so-very-frustrating at times..but without them, i wouldnt be who i am today..and i most definately wouldnt have been able to stay on when i transferred to adults..thank you for ur consistent small little efforts to talk to me and show me that frens do stay even when we are not in the same grp anymore..and yes, i really appreciate these efforts, esp them coming from YOU!

Y-Budd
what would i ever do without you guys??? brainless fun, random chats, happy hormones booster, endorphin releasers - these are words i will associate with you peeps..i know i can count on all of you anytime in my life..btw u all haven celebrate my bday yet! hahaha..

Jasmine Loh
u deserve a special mention becos of how you are the one who have to endure my nonsense and be there for me when i just have to cry..sometimes when i tink of that person, i still have this URGH feeling..but its getting much better..thanks to both god and you :)

Xiang
for ur immense love and frenship..and for listening to my random ramblings haha..rmb, we are supposed to grow old together and drink tea while talking about the good old days :)

DWCG
very honestly, i am quite amazed at how we still keep in touch..becos i really reckon that our personalities are so different and we are all taught to move on..and it makes meeting up all with u peeps all the more special :)) i enjoyed serving in the grp..so i really do pray, that this frenship of ours, will go a long long way in the future!

Jenny
for being my first shepherd when i went to adults..and through you, i learnt a great deal of things, tho the time was short..really, u are one person who inspired me much! ive wrote what i wanted to say in the card!

Jackies
what would i ever be in MDIS without you guys!!!!!! gosh, superbly thank god for you all..i am preety sure us becoming a grp is not just based on mere concidence alone..kudos to our frenship dudes and babes!! may we last forever and ever!! and one day we will go back to america, sniff their air, get our minds all boggled, talk some lilium and haeve a whale of a time!

OK I AM SLEEPY..I OFFICIALLY AM GOING TO SLEEP..