lets study!!

im seriously becoming a mugging freak..im studying like 4 out of 5 days!!..this is weird..its not normal..haven studied so much since sec sch..which prob explains the results of my As..its 4.15am and im supposed to be sleeping..but i haven studied and hence i cant sleep..wanted to tag at claire's blog before studying but..i realised that i kinda rejected my own..so anyways..lets continue..

its been freezing the past few days!!..rain rain rain..its raining men!!..is it?..bleah..randomness strikes mi..i get to wear my jacket/sweaters/shawls and im totally loving it..yet i cant wear jeans so much cos they get wet ard the feet areas..which means that when i wear jeans i would haf to wear heels but my heels hurt my feet so much tt i dun wan to wear them..hence, i try not to wear jeans..school takes up a lot of my life now..

was reading claire's entry to mi (im getting a bit egoistic here) when i realise that wat we toked abt was quite astonishingly true..gonna confess some feelings here..its going to be emotional..

i try not to show it..but im actually quite scared..its the new year..things are gonna change and..llamma left mi to go ns..maybe ive been slacking too much the past year..its kinda like u are so used to having a partner ard u when u do stuff and now, u are left all alone to make the decisions..theres no one to back u up when u fail, no one to tink of back-up plans, no one to collaborate when awakard moments come..in short, no one to share the burden with..but i know ive done it all on my own before..and i can do it..i guess its juz that ive fallen into the comfort zone and now, im forced to get out of it..which as we all know, isnt so easy at all..i see my path filled full with obstacles..and im scared..after all, im juz a helpless puny human trying to do something oh-so-wonderful for my wonderful god..but do i haf wat it takes?..im scared..

was reading psalms 105 juz now which calmed mi down so much..once again im remnded that god is in control of everything..that he never forgets his covenent with anyone, even if we haf done things to anger him so much that he turns his face away from us..he still wouldnt forget a covenent after he has made one..becos that is him..he cannot not do wat he said he would do..becos he is a consistent god..and he ll make wat he said come to pass..but once again, it takes two hands to clap..he's not in the covenent alone..im in it with him..he's not gonna back out on mi..am i gonna back out on him?..gosh i pray in a thousands year no!!..i ll strive to my best..no matter how tiring, scared, helpless, weak and tempted i feel, i know now that i ll hang on..i dun dare to say for the nxt decade or sumthing..but for now..i ll hang on..and i know he ll help mi..becos he has already told mi that he is my strength..and i trust him..

he sends help to mi in the form of ppl like xiangyu, whom i thank god so much for..i know that if anything happens to mi..i can totally rely on her to carry on..and ppl like my wonderful shepherd..who listens to my rants like no one else does..and i thank her for listening..becos sometimes..that is all that a person needs..god sends his love thru ppl..dun hurt those who love you..

i miss ruisi a lot..she's been hard at work and i dun get to tok to her so much..bleah..hope she rememebers mi too..hahah..

when i see the things happening ard mi..things that are so impossible and yet they do happen..im gripped by shock and wats tt word?..sadness?..bitterness?..no..helplessness..yup that's it..i try to give my 100% to everyone whom i pledge my life to..my sheep(s), claire, puay, joyce etc etc..but sometimes, im juz not there when they need ppl to tok to them..and when sumthing happens to them..i feel that its my fault..that i didnt spare the time for them..and den i start to console myself..how can one tiny mi be split into so many parts?..im only one person..i cant manage all at a time..and den i rmb a conversation that once i move on to making new frens..i ll miss out on the old times..so wat do i do?..get stuck in the past and dun move on?..no, that is not my characteristic..that is not mi..and so wat?..i lose out?..gosh i hope not..god ll not let this happen..i haf faith in him..once again..im reminded that im not living for myself..but for others..

i cant give one of mi to so many others at the same time..only god can do it..and i ll trust in him..all i know wat and how to do things..is to do it to the best of my understanding of how it could be done..i cant do more than that..if things do turn for the worse..wat else can i do?..rite?..

im a human being after all..sometimes i feel helpless..guess rite now, its one of those times..but dun worry abt mi..becos my god is sitting rite beside mi now..and im gonna cry my heart out to him..llamma's theory of the 3 levels of a person..no one's been at my 3rd layer, except Him..