I never did realise..

I never did realise how the combination of pain and a sense of helplessness was able to add on a whole new dimension into my life..I've always been experiencing immense joy and happiness throughout my life, and I can say I've been quite blessed to not have to go through any major setbacks or endure any pain so deep that I couldn't recover in a few weeks and bounce back to my happy old self..

This is not an emotional post, as some of you might start to think..but this is something I would like to share on my little space..

I was talking to Jang the other day, and I was telling him that people who have suffered and undergone more tend to be people who will love more and serve God harder after God brings them through their down times..It's kinda like, the one who has been forgiven much, loves much..but the one who has been forgiven little, loves little..like the murderer who has been forgiven by his victim's close ones is more grateful than the student who was caught not doing his homework but was forgiven by his teacher..

The feeling of losing something so dear to my heart, so intertwined in my daily life, is so refreshingly painful..I never did realise that a human being was capable of enduring this depth of pain..and maybe, just maybe, God has allowed me to learn a little bit more about suffering, so that someday in future, I will be of some help to someone who is also suffering as I have..

Furthermore, to have tried so hard to restore something, to have prayed so hard and long for that something back and to finally gather up my courage and ask for it..but to have that request rejected so mercilessly and ruthlessly in a few words, has led me to experience helplessness that is so bewilderingly fresh..this new experience has pushed me to a deeper level of humbleness and dependency on God..its like I can always say, trust God and put your life into His hands..but the experience of what its like to have control ripped away from you, leaving you with no other choice but to depend on God, is quite a different thing..

I feel that I have experienced so much more of the downside of life, that when the upside of life comes back, I will be 100% more grateful that God has been and always will be by my side..and I have learnt so much about God, and about dependance on God, which I might not have gotten the chance to learn if such painful things hadn't happened..

Pruning means to cut away, and that means its painful - As Mr Prajitna so gladly told me on MSN one day, words of comfort and strength all the way from Melbourne..cutting away doesn't mean only the bad parts, but also the good parts so that something better can come..a thought that I have chewed upon in the past few months..

I feel that somehow, I have experienced life more wholly..and I have learnt that it is possible to still experience joy in the midst of my suffering..curiously, joy and pain is able to co-exist in a human's heart..I wonder if you guys know what I mean :)

Maybe one day, you will experience it too.