discipline

one thing that i sorely lack in my life is discipline..i never seem to be able to be disciplined enough for my liking..i figured if i were more disciplined, i could so achieve much more than i have, read up on so many more books, study even harder, do qt much longer and pray unceasingly..sighs, frustrates me :(

i wanted to go jogging today, but as i stepped into my room, i was overwhelmed by laziness and the lure of the computer sitting nonchantly on my desk..ok gurl, u said you wanted to go jogging! now go change and get ur fat ass down to the gym, i tot to myself..but it was so hard!! i was tinking, MAN who cares abt my body size or weight, jogging is just a way to commit suicide, enjoy life! woots!

den i tot again, come on man, if you can be disciplined in this which u hate so much, im preety sure that you will be more self-disciplined in things that you like rite..figuring out that makes sense, i reluctantly dragged myself to the gym and started my prolonged 30 mins of torture on that dreaded treadmill..

i have been running for 30 minutes on the treadmill these few weeks, and i figured out something..the first 10 mins are a piece of cake, it breezes thru..and i ll be tinking smugly to myself that my stamina has somewhat improved..the next 10 mins are the WORSE! its when ur body gets tired and the battle between the mind and the body takes place..

body: tired tired!! no more! rest time!
mind: come on! you can do it! burn those fats! do it do it!
body: give up.
mind: persevere.

after i pass thru those tiring 10 mins, the next 10 mins becomes much easier..cos thats when the body has given up, and im running on sheer willpower..the mind takes over, my legs are numb, my sides hurt, the sweat glands work overtime, but i never stop..somehow stopping makes it seem all lost, i just keep running and running..maybe i can even run more than ten minutes in future..i shld try that the next time..

its like our walk with god aint it? we trust too much in our physical body, like for me in the first 10 minutes, tinking im queen of the world and i wun ever get tired..our mountaintop period, where the world seems at peace, our grps are doing well, you are doing well with god too..

den our physical body starts to wear out..cos physical things arent lasting anyway, they always wear out somehow..so ard the 15 minute mark, the body is screaming for rest while the mind is hammering for continuation..so who wins? by sheer determination, i refuse to let my weakened body win..my mind must win..but in my spiritual walk with god, im not quite sure..but in future, the physical me cannot win, cos i must depend and trust in god!

den the last 10 mins is where things become easier..it doesnt get as easy as the first 10 minutes, but u know that u will never stop..u know that u can continue on..you know that ur body has gone past its limit but somehow you dun stop..you are getting ur strength from somewhere else..and this is where, i realize, that no matter how much i do, no matter how much i achieve, to continue running, i will just simply have to rely on something tt is not within me - and that is my beloved jesus christ :)

on a lighter note, ive decided to scrap the psp and get a digicam instead..IT fair coming up!! woots!! and IT PRO has agreed to go with me in exchange for me buying him a Godiva Choclixer..tsk tsk, scheming ah you IT PRO! haha..

listening to I'll never break your heart by the Backstreet Boys. Gosh, im such a romantic at heart :S