Stop.Turn.Walk

The First

2012-01-20T09:04:00.000+08:00

Listening to Chris Tomlin's Come Home Running.

I remember the very first time I heard him sang this song. And I
thought, wow he's so cool.

Reminder from Sushi Teh yesterday, wait upon the Lord.

Would you still have done that?

2012-01-13T19:16:00.000+08:00

Reading Lee Strobel's "God's Outrageous Claims" and having a cuppa at
Toast Box (sorry my pseudo bf). I love that I can read an American
literature while sipping on Asian coffee here in Singapore. Where else
will one fins such a rich mixture of heritage all stirred up in one
giant appetizing pot?

I'm stuck at the chapter of forgiveness. And Strobel says that perhaps
one reason we can't forgive ourselves is because we've never tried to
make right with the person whom we've wronged.

It is so true.

I'm not a believer of shying away from making amends. And reading this
brought a few incidents into mind.

I'm not a good person, my history is streaked with the several times
which I screwed up really badly , resulting in a big pothole which
might take long to fill if not never.

Considering that I just turned 26 with the coming of 2012, the
percentage of my screw ups seem pretty high.

That aside, if I may say so myself, the only similarity in all these
situations is that I'll always, always, strive to make amends.

Some turned out great, and others, well, need some more time to
simmer it out. Making amends is harder than making mistakes, I've
learnt that thus far.

I remember my good times with one, which ended somewhat
disappointingly. I had a choice to confess or not, and I chose to go
ahead. I guess sometimes the ideal ending remains just that, ideal.
But I miss her.

In my quiet times someone asked me, if you had known that the result
would be like that, would you still have chosen to broach the subject?

I thought about it seriously. And my answer, a firm 'yes'. Why? I was
asked. Because I cared too much to let it go unsaid.

And with that in mind, somehow, I can let myself breathe a little bit
easier. And I know God will make all things turn out for our good.

Attempting to make things right with who we have wronged is a step
towards forgiveness. God is so wise.

Humanity, depleted.

2012-01-04T08:06:00.000+08:00

It's 7.30am on the fourth day of 2012, and I managed to somewhat pull
myself out of slumber to get to work early.

I think ive passed almost a couple of hundreds of people on the
streets. amusingly enough, majority of them wore the same expression.
teary squinted eyes, a little sniffling of the nose, lips hanging
loose as though the muscles there have not awaken yet.

and I wonder what makes them go on, day after day, week after week,
year after year. Commitments? Family? Brands? Pride? Status?

And the image of a kid's face crosses my mind. Innocent, full of life,
a little mischief no doubt. But alive. Will this little one grow up to
be the blank and lifeless walking mannequins that passed by me today?

I think back on what he said and i smile. I recall something He
whispered, and I beam.

Without Love, humanity seems...depleted.

I Wish...

2011-12-19T12:24:00.000+08:00

...that God grants me this desire of my heart.

And the conviction to never look back after he has given me what I asked for.

My only goal

2011-11-25T08:16:00.000+08:00

In this life.

The cry of my heart, is to bring you praise, from the inside out.

That's all I aim for.

Moving on

2011-11-19T14:11:00.001+08:00

So I found my "Travel File", which is transparent folder I have when I travel. It contains all my air tickets, travel stuff, photos, hotel bookings etc.

It was stuffed with my most recent trip to the US of A. And I thought, time to throw them all away. Because I'm gonna need to fill it up with other memories.

Spoiler Alert

2011-11-19T13:38:00.001+08:00

Was watching How I met your mother episodes and came across this episode titled Spoiler Alert.

It talks about the little quirks that we all have in life, which can be quite annoying to others. But we never notice it. I wonder whats mine.

It ended off by saying "but if you really love them, all these things don't matter"

How true :)

...

2011-11-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

Completely tired and drained.

Dying because of truth

2011-11-16T10:57:00.001+08:00

It struck me today why did Jesus die. They crucified him because he spoke the truth.

Many false witnesses came forward to give false testimony in hopes that one might be able to trip him up, but none suitable was found. Until they finally asked him "I demand in the name of the living God—tell us if you are the Messiah, the Son of God."

To which Jesus simply replied, "It is as you said"

And he died because of that.

I guess telling the truth don't always work out fine all the time, it could even lead to death. But I guess, it's better to die for the truth than to give up your life for a lie. And if that is true, then it is so much better to live for the truth, than to live a whole life of a lie.

Alright, yousendit.com has finished sending my file. Back to work.

When stumbling brings surprises

2011-11-15T17:48:00.001+08:00

My plans got messed around tonight, and I'm bordering on the verge of really emo-ing myself out. I totally hate it when my plans get cancelled, but this is the way of life isn't it? Perhaps I'm really too much of a control freak, I like my life to be in order, I like to know what I will be doing for today and plan myself for them.

Sometimes living with God throws everything in disorder. Perhaps this is a lesson I should learn. Maybe stumbling around would do my character some good.

Speaking of stumbling, I came across an extension of someone just now. Reading it makes him feel closer. I do know what I feel and what I want, I just am uncertain how to face it.

Stop

2011-11-13T10:05:00.000+08:00

When she goes on a hiatus.....

Reflections of the moon

2011-11-10T21:27:00.000+08:00

The moon today is really bright! The night doesn't need any lamps, for
the moonlight is enough.

I learnt something from the moon today.

The moon doesnt give off it's own light, it merely reflects the light
from the sun. But wow, it's so bright tonight.

The brighter the moon, the more light it reflects from the sun. If the
moon can be so bright, den the sun must be a thousand times brighter.

We are like the moon isn't it? We merely are reflectors of the
Christ's light. The brighter we shine in the night, the more we are
able to show how much more brighter God really is.

And so, I wanna be like a full moon in the night sky. Becoming
brighter and brighter, reflecting more and more of Christ (:

Lost

2011-11-10T12:04:00.000+08:00

Oh Lord, I'm watching my life unfold as how I've always dreamt it to
be. And the best part is, I dun even need to put much effort into it
(:

How true it is, that if one seeks first Your kingdom and Your
righteousness, all other things will be given as well.

Enjoying the little surprises that pops out, remembering that You
Lord, allows all the little small moments.

I wanna be lost in You, for only in You do I find myself (:

Tonight

2011-11-08T00:42:00.000+08:00

And so, she sleeps happy tonight (:

Cuppa tea

2011-10-31T19:06:00.000+08:00

I'm just a bastard child
Don't let it go to your head
I'm just a waste of your time
Maybe I'm better off dead

You turn us loose in the night
I'm fucking Jekyll and Hyde
We'll have the time of our lives
Although we're dying inside

Karma

2011-10-21T14:43:00.000+08:00

what you do to me doesn't affect what I do to you.

powerful reminder.

And the next thing you know, we'll be married

2011-10-19T22:31:00.002+08:00

'In the blink of an eye' - what an apt sentence.

It seemed so recent when I was bullying my juniors in my blue uniform..when I made a u-turn on the zebra crossing and decided to go sing KTV at 8am on a weekday..when I was playing blind mice in US..when I still had some friends.

Time and tide waits for no man..and motivation and desires flash once and disappear. Discipline is key, but if its so easily found, we will all be saints and superwomen. The way to success is always the hard way..many have discovered and blasted it out, but only a few take their word for it.

Including me.

Gonna be 25 in another 2 weeks. Will I have grown up much?

두툼, 두툼

2011-10-19T14:53:00.000+08:00

Guys with small eyes, I'll take a second look.

Fair guys with small eyes, I'll keep them in mind.

Guys with a sense of humour, makes my heart really happy.

Fair guys with small eyes with a sense of humor, I can never resist.

the written conversations

2011-10-17T08:49:00.002+08:00

it shouldn't be a surprise that words make up a huge portion of my life. it is my weakness and my strength, depending on how you use it.

about once in a day, i come across certain phrases which really strucks a chord within me. i am delighted when i chance upon the play of words - how individual seemingly neutral words are placed strategically next to each other, and a whole well of meaning lies to be uncovered.

consider these:
1) a bouquet of clumsy words
2) you gave what the world couldn't offer us
3) a kaleidoscope of colours

i am blessed, to be able to learn words in this lifetime.

in fact my whole life's been filled with blessings, and love. contentment brings about a joy that is so divine, everyone should try it too.

Happyness

2011-09-26T12:05:00.000+08:00

Dear God, I'm really very happy for the way it is now. Nothing's happening.

2 more months :)

Consistent thinking

2011-09-15T10:46:00.000+08:00

Before I met you, I knew.

Perhaps you may really come alive, cos I dreamt hard for it.

You've masked your slow moving in, and I now dread the day,
the day you decide to leave.

Cos small steps bring you further...

2011-09-13T15:28:00.003+08:00

So let's start with small steps.

1 week of no contact.
3 days of no communication.

Let's see how far you can go girl.

Murphy's Law..Not.

2011-08-31T16:28:00.001+08:00

I find it rather amusing, that at certain low points in life, when I really want to find some happy close and nice christian friends to give me a spiritual boost, none seem to be available.

And then there are those friends from out of the church..those who don't really know God and are leading their happy own lives. They suddenly all appear and show so much concern.

It's like a spiritual Murphy's Law, one played by the devil. It is so true isn't it? The devil is relentless in spotting opportunities of our innermost need. Such that when our needs are not fulfilled, he chance upon them and send a lot of other things to satisfy us. And in the end, we think, gosh, what the heck is the church doing? Why am I in church if these people don't seem to give a hoot about my life, my sorrows, my depression, my fears, my needs?

This life is a war. These thoughts are the attacks. The mind is the battlefield. And I will give more credit to myself, to my friends, and to God, than to doubt their love for me.

When God says no

2011-08-29T09:07:00.000+08:00

Just a few months back, I prayed fervently for something, or for someone.

And it turns out that God denied my request.

I'm glad He said no, for now I know my heart isn't dead. And how
feelings are that important to me.

Perhaps God decided to be even nicer to me. I really hope so!

Sweet thoughts?

2011-08-27T22:24:00.001+08:00

It's a day to recuperate from the adrenaline rush of last night. And a
day to celebrate mother's birthday.

Full and satsified..laying on Aunt's bed. I fell asleep thinking of
pink weavers, and I thought of pink weavers again when I awoke.

Sweet.

Grace

2011-07-18T08:43:00.000+08:00

I always felt that writing words down portray a greater form of
sincerity and desire.

Lord, remind mi that today is a brand new day, and your grace is new
every morning. Fill me with more than enough grace and love so that I
am able to look at them without prejudice, and be able to live a life
worthy of you.

Humanly, I can't do it. We need to do this together.

See and have compassion

2011-07-08T00:17:00.002+08:00

It's like a learning journey everyday..to cross that river of embarrassment, sensible logic and understandable behaviour to do something extraordinary, like putting a verse in the bible to test.

And that's what I did today..at textile center..with a marker and enduring the vaccuum of heat while trapped in a yet unfinished space where it will soon become our next place of worship.

We were supposed to write the names of people who we are praying to come to church..and me being me, thought to simplify everything my just writing "Family members and friends". I know right, blah.

So I bent over and wrote "Family Members"..and something inside said, aren't u going to write their names? The scribble beside mine bold letters spelled out the surname, name and even nicknames of family members, as though mocking me and asking what in the world was i afraid of?

And I decided, I will write their initials. Slowly, I printed "SC", "KK"..and something swelled inside me, what is it? .. "JK" .. my overworked tear ducts did their job well and I could feel hot water in my eyes.. "JH" .. and I knew I was crying.

It's just letters ain't it? I felt so stupid..but those are the lives of my closest living relatives behind just two letters. And I so want them to come to know Christ, to live and share my Jesus with me, to understand why I so faithfully go to the church and serve, tho I admit, grudgingly at times.

When we see, then we have compassion. Behind those letters, I see them lives. And I want them so bad to become christ-followers. So, so bad.

Looking down, drying my tears and pretending they were perspiration, I decided to inprint the initals of my friends as well..and so I did "ES", "AK", "CL", and "YK".

Power lies in prayers. And if you are one of those I have initial-ed, know that I am always always praying for you. :)

Regrets

2011-06-16T12:41:00.000+08:00

No regrets. Even if there were low blows.

Bad

2011-05-27T14:54:00.000+08:00

The Princess did a very bad thing today, she didn't control her tongue
and showed her true self.

Maybe she shld just keep quiet for the entire trip. This will totally
lessen the chances of losing control again. But thinking abt it, this
alternative doesn't sound like the best of ideas after all.

It happens again

2011-04-28T09:34:00.001+08:00

Recently, something happened again. Something which I had hoped will never happen anymore, and I had tried taking extra precaution not to let it happen. But it did, and as the saying goes, Shit Happens.

It's like a cycle. I've been through it before and I now have a clearer idea of what's going to happen again. Yet, somehow I wish and pray that this time, things might turn out differently, and so, despite the negative gloomy voices, I hope against hope that it will be different this time round. But if God allows it not to end up in a relatively well state, then I pray and hope that I am prepared to take on the whirlwind that's gonna appear.

Admist it all, and all the thoughts I've been having, I come to appreciate God a little bit more. Thinking back, if I had not come to know him, I most probably wouldn't think that this shit was wrong. I might have enjoyed it and then just move on. It was because of God who gave me the law to know what's right and wrong. This law convicts me of sin, and I am brought to repentance.

If I do not have the law, than there's basically nothing wrong in this world. And I will be justified by my own thinking and feelings.

Ah well, let's see where all this will lead us to.

Ignore

2011-04-16T01:40:00.000+08:00

I'm ignored ):

Today is the day

2011-04-14T08:23:00.000+08:00

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Am totally not looking forward to my branding workshop later but
experience tells me that the 2 hours will come and pass by soon. And
what will be, will be.

if only i can grasp the mindset that my life on Earth is restricted by
a time frame, that things and events will come and pass soon, and I
dun really have to worry as long as I let God lead the way. That
whatever will be, will be.

Decided to unplug myself fr the earphones this morning and listen to
the music of nature.

The clouds look pretty today, I wonder how God came up with this idea
to form them this way. The birds perched on the trees planted all
along the road take turns to chirp a tune, as though cued by a
mystical conductor unseen to the naked eye. I wonder how they know
when is their turn to shine. And in the morning melody today, everyone
of them had a chance to play the main melody.

Perhaps human beings are the only ones with enough sense and reason to
start complaining and not be contented with what they have. Perhaps
this sense and reason are what will propel us to do the works of the
Lord Almighty.

The world is huge, but it's coming to an end. As Solomon says, enjoy
your toll and be thankful for it today. For it is your lot.

Lord, facing a mountain only You can move. Bursting with thoughts
about hw this will turn out to, buy experience tells me that I better
leave it into Your hands.

Crazzzyy

2011-04-10T21:35:00.001+08:00

I think I'm going crazy.

argh

2011-03-17T23:31:00.001+08:00

Don't ask me stupid questions that I can't answer. Don't tell me stupid things that fish for my pity.

I honestly don't know, and don't want, to be part of this period of life.

I get sick and tired of things quite easily. And I am getting sick of patronising you.

Go.

2011-03-10T08:50:00.000+08:00

1 Chronicles 17

Message to self:

If your plans are of to extend or glorify Him and His Kingdom, go ahead.

If The Lord doesn't want you to do so, He will let you know.

Additional notes:
And remain humble while doing so (: Never stop praying.

Leading to death

2011-03-09T08:47:00.000+08:00

There's a way that seems right to men, but in the end it leads to death.

sometimes we may think that we know what to do, or even worse in my
case, sometimes I feel like I know what to do.

But it may not be what is right in the eyes of God.

God, tune my eyes, ears and heart to know what you deem as right to do.

Haven forgotten

2011-03-04T09:09:00.000+08:00

I know myself pretty well when it comes to the matter of the heart.

I don't mind falling in love, but I loathe the repercussions of it.
Enough to make me want to turn away from love entirely.

Inactivity

2011-02-19T23:03:00.001+08:00

A day of inactivity instigates retardation of the brain.

I can literally feel myself becoming stupider. lol.

Why?

2011-02-18T09:15:00.000+08:00

I feel safe (: That's the difference. Something I've not felt for a
long long time.

Finding strength

2011-02-08T12:29:00.000+08:00

This girl needs to find strength in God.

God, help.

Regret

2011-02-07T15:09:00.001+08:00

I don't like to regret many things, because most of the time I make decisions which I believe was rational to me at that point in time.

But this time, my rational decisions failed me. He screwed me up big time.

Friends? What's in a word?

All he ever did was talk, talk and talk.

Feeling so so so so cheated. I really, really regret to have let him into my life.

Life

2011-02-07T00:09:00.001+08:00

In this journey called Life, we all find our own ways to live.

What will come, will come. Perhaps if I seek it too early, it might not be the time for me to find out. When the time is up, things will naturally occur.

Finding it a bit difficult to have faith Lord. Feels like I wanna give up.

The End

2011-02-04T19:49:00.001+08:00

Just finished watching Angel Beats..it was a happy ending, yet it was sad too.

For they all were separated.

I love watching shows, but I always hate the endings. Endings drive me into melachonic mood, making me wonder, what is life, really?

For what's going to happen, when life finally ends?

Emotions

2011-01-31T21:08:00.000+08:00

Why do the celebrities make it seem perfectly fine to give into their
emotions, but it's wrong when I do the same?

sighs, I should be a celebrity. I'm suited to be one.

Smile

2011-01-30T21:32:00.001+08:00

It's the first time I took up an envelope, saw the return address, and smiled (:

Praying God makes it happen.

未来

2011-01-30T16:10:00.000+08:00

We sing "Send me and I will go"

For some reason, I didn't want to sing that today. For God is in the
word. I do want to go, but on afraid that one day I might go back on
these very words which I sing today. And therefore, I didn't sing
these words.

I'm not cynical or skeptical..I just didn't want to go back on my
word. I know God's got something big up His sleeves, and I know I'll
willingly volunteer for some part of it.

Taking the first baby steps. For one day I know these initial steps
will lead me somewhere big.

In His plans, I still trust.

Multiplication

2011-01-24T08:48:00.000+08:00

Reading from the book of Kings..it seems like God doesn't give us new
things, rather, He prefers to muliply the little things that were
given to us from the very beginning.

A good note to ponder upon.

Ungracious Christians

2011-01-24T08:18:00.000+08:00

I had a fit yesterday talking about ungracious christians. how some
non-christians are better behaved, more gracious, more appreciative
than christians I see around mi.

Talking about being appreciative, I'm still having difficulties
forgiving him.

Back to the topic. Soon afterwards, I realized that who cares if those
christians are bad examples? I'm in no place to judge anyway.

But I can do something to myself. I'll be the christian that aims to
shine better in this world, to show the world that Jesus lives in me.

How much do you love me?

2011-01-20T23:47:00.002+08:00

I kinda forgot how it was like when people showed concern for me.

The cg reminded me that concern has to be shown, not kept within the heart and hoping the other party somehow, miraculously figures it out.

Haha, guess some bitterness still lurks within me. Gotta root them out.

Night

2011-01-19T00:39:00.001+08:00

Just back from DWCG. How we have all grown, and life seems to be
getting less clearer than before.

Enjoying the night breeze, listening to Oasis.

Wondering where all these will lead me to.

Sullen and angry

2011-01-18T08:44:00.000+08:00

reading the bible is like having a bird's eye view of history..when I
read how God gave Ahab victory over Ben-Haded, king of Aram, not once
but twice, I just get the overall picture.

I wonder how Ahab must have felt.

Probably ungrateful and complacent, because he did a detestable thing
by making a treaty with his enemy.

I guess it would probably have been a smart political decision, even
in our time..like how Singapore loves making friends with everyone
else because we are small and somehow need them. But I guess obedience
to God is more important than making strategic political decisions.

it's reflects our pride, thinking that we know better than God.

the funniest thing was, when a prophet rebuked him, he went away
sullen and angry.

I laughed while readin the passage..budden I started to think whether
I was like that too.

Did I become sullen and angry when God rebuked me? Hell yeah.

But at least I repented and still followed in the end, though maybe
grudgingly.

Thank God he doesn't kill me each time I turn sullen and angry haha.

And after awhile, it gets easier to obey, and harder to rebel.

Just enough

2011-01-12T08:25:00.000+08:00

The jar with the handful of oil and the handful of flour never ran
out, yet it was never full.

Everyday as the widow sticks her hand in to take some flour and oil, I
guess she must sometimes wonder whether they will run out one day. And
yet day after day, she feeds her whole family n Elijah with that
little that she has.

I guess it's like our daily grace. We'll never run out of grace, yet
God wun fill
us so full of grace that we dun turn to Him. He gives us just enough
so we need to rely on Him everyday.

Eyes

2011-01-11T23:52:00.001+08:00

Small eyes are a killer. Hotness :D

Pondering

2011-01-10T07:03:00.000+08:00

If I treat everybody the way you treated mi, wouldn't I just become
who you are instead, the person who hurt me deeply, and made me
rethink the value of friendship?

who am I, that I should judge the way you treat your friends. and far
be it from mi, to treat others the way you have treated mi.

may god be the judge and the mediator. for right now, it is too hard
for mi to forgive you.

Meaningless

2011-01-09T19:02:00.000+08:00

everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

they advocate that we shld put in efforts into our relationships, and
our friendships..but those who put in more are at the losing
end..because in the end, who really cares?

who dictates which party in the frenship shld be the initiator? why
must only one person be the initiator? why can't the other party
change to take the initiative?

and why issit that my views on friendship always differs from others?
I think, this statement is a convenient excuse for those who do not
want to put in the effort, those who only know how to take but never
thought to give.

they advocate that the caregroup is a place where you can turn to,
where it is home. bu where are the friends when one needs them the most?

words without action are meaningless.

bitterness grows in the heart, and slowly takes over the soul.

if I clamp myself up, maybe there wouldn't be so much expectations,
and there wouldn't be so much hurt.

and when whosoever reads this, i bet they have something fantastic to
say how emotional I am, and how I have to change.

people dictate what they do not know, they judge what they do not see.
why can't the reason be, that I am just lonely?

friendship is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

it all started with one person, and deep within my heart, where the
carnal nature lies, I toy with the hope, that one day, you will pay
dearly for the hurt you have caused upon me.

no one understands, and no one bothers to understand.

Change

2011-01-01T12:52:00.000+08:00

There must be more than this. There has to be. Men weren't made to
live mundane lives and think mundane thoughts.

Where is the exciting and fruitful life that Jesus spoke of in the
bible? Where is the adventure which God promised for His children?

I'm gonna find it, one day.

About Judgment

2010-12-28T22:58:00.002+08:00

This world is a judgmental world where people tend to jump to conclusions and take others for granted..even if they were the ones at fault, people can somehow manipulate their tone of voice and way of describing the event such that their fault is tremendously played down..

Damn this judgmental world. I resolve I shall learn not to be like them anymore. I am sick of people judging me and jumping to conclusions.

Why should I put so much effort into changing and pleasing others when they themselves don't see that they should change too?

Easy to judge others, difficult to change oneself.

David

2010-12-27T08:28:00.000+08:00

...but David wept the most. Was it cos he was sad about having to part
from Jonathan, or he just had more to lose?

I should start seeking happiness elsewhere. Sighs, bitterness grows,
and lies abound.

Every Christmas

2010-12-25T13:56:00.000+08:00

Every Christmas something happens..it's like my life is an award
winning drama all on it's own.

I feel cheated for having put so much into this friendship. I could
count all the times that he appreciated mi in a single hand, after all
these years.

Sighs, perhaps I was stupid, expecting people to reciprocate or even
at least be more appreciative of mi.

I'm gonna start protecting myself now, I dun wanna be hurt again.

What's this whole deal about being good friends? I'm having a
disillusioned view of friendship now. Is it still worthwhile to put in
effort when the other party just doesn't care?

Maybe I should just be a recluse. After all, I haven talked much to
anyone this whole week, ans no one bothered to ask anyway. Yet, I
still survived.

Stupid Jinqi.

Oops

2010-12-20T22:36:00.000+08:00

I did it again. Sighs.. When will I ever learn?

sleep

2010-12-13T23:53:00.000+08:00

the girl should go to bed, for tml will be a better day. and the devil
can't attack my thoughts so much.

Disappointment

2010-12-09T08:27:00.000+08:00

how many times do I have to learn this:

men fail and disappoint. friends in church, disappoints even more.

life

2010-11-25T20:21:00.000+08:00

life is getting boring. without god, life really seems meaningless.

Love

2010-10-28T08:47:00.000+08:00

I love You, Lord, because you never shortchange, forget nor forsake me.

Even when the Israelites keep turning to other gods, you never forsook
them. You waited patiently and sent Judge after Judge to save them.

So I know you will wait patiently for mi. And I'll wait patiently for
you to heal me, replace him in my life, and bring me up to be a better
child of yours.

Come with me

2010-10-24T14:07:00.000+08:00

"Come with me", you said. And you stretched out your right hand and
look at me expectantly.

And I, ashamedly, look at your outstretched hand, n hesistated.

"Come with me", you repeated. "Come with me" you said again.

And finally, "Yes"

*Sent from my iPhone

A choice

2010-10-24T10:08:00.000+08:00

Reading Joshua, and constantly reminded that I have had no part to
play in how far I've come.

even for the israelites, tho yes they did go to war and killed some
men, but the lord killed more enemies thru hailstones, hornets, fires
etc. How majestic is the Lord, that he fights for us.

Life has not been going all too well I admit. Feeling lethargic due to
a lack of concrete vision, hence not knowing where to invest my energy
into.

I don't want to keep falling into this deep hole of shit, getting
deeper till I lose control of my own inhibitions.

I hope it's not too late. At least I can still control them, somewhat.

Lord, what do u want mi to do?

On a random note, I felt like a fangirl watching Big Bang performing
yesterday. Man they are such good performers.

*Sent from my iPhone

Angry

2010-10-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

yeah..that's the word. I feel really angry. Angry at the way I am
ignored.

Some friends they call themselves. When I need them, where are they?

*Sent from my iPhone

Overwhelmed

2010-10-10T22:59:00.000+08:00

Suddenly gripped with a torrent of emotions..caught unaware and thrown
into a state of emotional typhoon.

what is life meant to be? what is work meant to be? why am I so afraid
of work tml? why do I feel like the mountain of workload is going to
devour me when i sit at my desk tml?

is there more to life than life? where's the excitement, passion and
love that the world proclaims? how come that the only ever perfect
portrayal of fulfillment happens only in movies but never in reality?

as I grow older, I start to understand more of my helplessness..I
start to see how we can never work to find contentment..that the only
true contentment comes from knowing Jesus the Lord.

how much I fear for my loved ones and closest friends who still
refuses to accept God..what if I perish tml and they are still not
saved? will the Lord have mercy on them? How do I make them understand
the urgency and anxiety I feel for them? How do I make them understand
how much I love them?

As I type these, my vision gets blurer..and I realise how long I have
not had release. I am sure the devil used my new work, my new found
busyness to keep my emotions compressed, contained within myself..so
much such that I can combust from within..

I'm thankful for this little space..it's where I can pen down all
these doubts and thoughts so I can clear my mind once more.

And now I'm starting to get a tad anxious. Father, give mi a vision,
lemme know Your calling. For your smile is my greatest comfort. Your
rewards, my greatest motivation.

Help mi Lord, as I face my work tml.

Lazing

2010-10-10T21:23:00.000+08:00

Lazing ard, letting my thoughts run wild.

I guess it's not a good thing. Better wash up and go talk to God.

*Sent from my iPhone

Be kind to your servant

2010-10-10T03:22:00.000+08:00

Lord I know I'm not the best servant..I skive at times and even tink
of quitting.

But Lord, please be kind to me and let me get attached before he does.

Thank you.

*Sent from my iPhone

When wisdom comes with age

2010-10-09T12:54:00.000+08:00

I used to really disliked it, loathed it even, when older people
looked at me and said, "You'll understand when you grow older."

I hated that statement.

But now I look upon some younger ones, those bursting with life,
idealism and passion, and I understand what they mean.

I understand the older people didn't look down upon me as a small
child, but they looked upon me as someone who can do better than them,
but need a little reality check in life. I understand they view
themselves as a guide for mi, telling mi their precious life
experiences and mistakes so I can learn from them.

After so many years in the Adults Ministry, I've come to see how
childish I was. Yes, childish, not childlike, as I thought I was.

And now, I pray that I'll always always rmb to be humble, to not
interrupt when the elders are speaking, to not feel insulted by their
criticisims, because I know they only want the best for me.

It's true, you get wiser when you are older.

*Sent from my iPhone

Routines

2010-10-08T08:19:00.000+08:00

It's tough being a Christ Follower..but I know that's the best way to
live.

Humbled. Father I am more aware of my need for You.

*Sent from my iPhone

The Cross

2010-10-06T08:39:00.000+08:00

It's no secret that one of my favourite activities is sleeping..I need
a lot a lot of sleep. And I totally love sleeping.

But if I had never experienced being awake, being alive, I probably
wouldn't really understand how wonderful sleep is.

Isn't that life? Without highs, there wun be lows. Without failures,
there wouldn't be successes. Without law, we wouldn't need a Saviour.

Recently God's been repeating this same thing to me - The door God
shuts, no one can open. The door that God opens, no one can shut.

Perhaps He's referring to my work life, or perhaps to my love life, or
lack thereof a love life.

No matter what it is, I'll persevere till I see the good will He has
planned out for me, fulfilled.

Sparked to be back

2010-10-06T01:40:00.003+08:00

wow wow wow..the last post was in June..right after I started work haha..work's been so busy that i've cut off this little space of release..perhaps thats why ive been pent up these few months.

there's only one word to sum up the new job - crazy.

i can never complete my work.

but that's another story for another day..because right now, I've been thinking about something..and about someone..i've kinda forget how it feels like..

this time, I'll be brave enough to pray.

Secrets

2010-06-08T08:16:00.001+08:00

Yes I know I've been neglecting this space for eons and I'm sorry for
that.

I've started work in a new company, and I hope that things will turn
out fine.

Application point of today:
Smile more and take initiative.

Jiayou girl!

Home Stay

2010-05-24T15:31:00.001+08:00

Staying at home is sort of boring yet surreal.

Tomorrow is a new day

2010-05-14T21:57:00.000+08:00

Tonight I'll probably cry, and then tomorrow morning everything will
be fine again.

You will be another one down the history books. I've done it before,
and I can do it again.

You aren't the one that hurt the most.

Accountable

2010-05-14T19:30:00.001+08:00

There are so many things I have to blog about which I've pushed back
countless times.

It's weird, I communicate better through writing than speaking. Maybe
I should write a book one day.

Decisions

2010-04-23T08:42:00.001+08:00

I'm really worried what's gonna happen after 3 May. I'm really worried
that somehow I wun be able to support my financies.

I know I shld trust God..and I know that worrying betrays my lack of
confidence that God will provide for me.

Perhaps this is a lesson to strengthen my faith that God can provide
for me in this area of my life too. I've never really been in deep
shit in my finanes, but it seems like I'm gonna know what that feels
like in a few more days.

This sense of deep restlessness within mr plagues me everyday, making
me doubt my decision and almost turning back on my word at times. But
this time, I won't give in. For once, i'm gonna follow thru my decision.

Worse comes to worse, it's time to close that insurance account. Haha.

Relax girl, do not worry :) That Big Guy up there has got everything
under control.

Calendar Girl

2010-04-20T08:54:00.000+08:00

Dreamt that I was dying, as I so often do.
And when I awoke I was sure it was true.
Ran to the window, threw my head up to the sky
And said Whoever is up there, please don't let me die.
But I can't live forever, I can't always be
One day I'll be set on a beach by the sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh at all that we've lost.

~ 'Calendar Girls' by Stars

There's something morbidly intriguing about these lyrics..something
that I've never been able to shake off.

It's the feeling of knowing life seeping thru my fingers every
minute..it's the thought of what am I doing with the escaping sands of
time that consumes my mind.

It's the nostalgic understanding of dreamin of death, and waking up
believing I've died.

It's that insistent tuggings at my inner being telling me - Dont
follow the ways of the world. I have only one life to live.

We can't live forever. If we can comprehend our mortality, perhaps we
would be more powerful.

*Sent from my iPhone

Wait

2010-04-11T22:36:00.001+08:00

Sometimes lies seem so easy to believe.

The most recent one: Did He forget me? Cause I don't think I can bluff myself much longer.

Remember

2010-03-31T10:03:00.001+08:00

It's not even been a week and I forgot my application point for the
next 3 months!! better pen it down here and everywhere else so I will
be reminded!

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become
angry"

And the Learning Point of 2010 is:

"Put God first"

now back to the bible.

Bothersome

2010-03-30T13:54:00.003+08:00

I remember a quote by Mother Teresa that goes:

"I know God would not give me anything that I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much"

Oh boy, how much do I identify with that right now! Circumstances and the environment around me has been so depressing and negative lately, I feel like the pinnacle of entire-world-destruction symptoms is weighing down on my shoulders..In preparation for this, I stock up an entire arsenal of joyfulness and happyness within me, which I keep filled up every morning through reading the bible, praying to God, watching hilarious variety shows on my iPhone (best technology ever invented, serious), and reading uplifting christian books. Oh, and hearing FT Island songs on my iPod.

But the minute I step into this lair, it feels like I've stepped into the arena to battle off Satan's endless, mindless midgets. It's like playing the last stage of Moo Moo you know, or TD. No matter how many you kill, they just never seem to stop..every morning I thought my arsenal is adequately filled, but its been emptying faster and faster with each passing day..gosh, its tiring. Right now I even got to take lunch time to reload for the 2nd battle after lunch.

God, not that I want to doubt, but, are You sure that I am that great? Cos I seriously don't think so. I think You give me more credit than I deserve.

Bothersome to be a Christian at times. Every single time I want to do something that is not quite right, I feel unease. But what can I do? This is the path I have chosen, and I will stick to it until the day I die.

It's funny how I never seem to be so sure of anything in my life except this one thing - No matter how tough it gets, I will never stop trying to be the best Child of God I can possibly be.

Kinda masochistic isn't it?

Take today for example, I was all set to go do something to get out of this deceiving labyrinth but was reminded by some 'friend' to check my motives before doing it. I HATE IT! HATE having to check my motives every single time because when I do that, I KNOW I would end up NOT doing what I had initially wanted to do.

Some 'friend' that is. Thanks for making sure I never run out of God's Will. One of my truest friends ever. One day when all these nonsense has passed, I suppose I would thank you.

So, sulking and whining about how unfair this whole entire deal is, I decided to take the suicidal step by reading the bible. How dumb. Reading the bible will just convict me of my wrong motives and turn me to doing the right thing.

And here it goes, the Word of Life:

"Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision" (that done in the body by the hands of men)— remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ."

AND

"And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."

Reminder point:

God died for me, I am no longer the sinful person I was. And I should be working to build myself into a holy temple where God can reside in. Doing things that are borne our of a wrong motive is not a good step if I want to be a holy temple.

Sighs.

God, I can't bear to disappoint You. So, here it goes...... I must do my best in all circumstances, even shitty ones.

I just want Him to be happy with what I'm doing.

Any friends wanna help fill up my arsenal?

Psalms 1

2010-03-29T13:10:00.001+08:00

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Or stand in the way of sinners,
Or sit in the seat of mockers.

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on this law he meditates day and night.

He will be like a tree planted by stremans of water,
which yields it's fruit in season and whose leaves do not wither.
Everything he does prospers

Not so with the wicked!
They are like chaff that the wind blows away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgement,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

I must rmb..as long as I'm walking in the right way before God, I am
fine. He watches over my every step. And He knows my heart.

BOO!

2010-03-26T01:27:00.002+08:00

It's been so long since I last blogged!!

Have been learning so many things recently, both good and bad, such that I've really been overwhelmed and I just couldn't find the time, nor the inspiration to blog. But I must not give up on blogging, because I realise that this is one platform that helps me to think, to reflect on my life, and helps me to get my random thoughts in order.

You know what, recently I've come to some sort of conclusion - we can never really know how God views us, or our future. What we see right now is only a tiny snippet of what our life really is..like a strand of thread woven into a piece of fabric..until the entire process is finished, can we see how every single strand was carefully thought of and placed in an exact spot to unravel a beautiful piece of fabric..no one, or rather very few, analyses the single strands of treads in a fabric..they see the entire piece and call it 'beautiful'..

so it is with our present..every minute, every hour, every occurrence is like a strand of thread being carefully planned and woven into its place, such that when the weaver has finished His work, we would be called 'beautiful finish'.

as I went out to work, it somehow feels like the hundreds of strands that were woven in the past were suddenly falling apart..I felt confused, afraid, dubious of the future, and even doubtful that God was looking out for me as He promised..for the first time in my life, I actually came close to being angry with God..I never thought I would come to that stage because previously, I couldn't bring myself to get pissed off with God as I knew He is always right..but the stresses of staying on in my unfavourable working environment, hoping for things that I really see no future in, restraining emotions that I had kept under tight rein have really taken a huge toil on me..I didn't know why God can bear to put me through all these..and I got pissed, for a little while..

But now maybe I got it figured out..maybe the hundreds of strands that were woven in the past, somehow, somewhere, a tiny mistake was made because of my own unwise decisions..and now the weaver, who sees everything, is slowly picking apart the other strands to 'unmake' that mistake, and piece the fabric back again later..

The process of being picked apart made me learn many things than the process of being woven quickly.

But that's most impt isn't it? I learnt :)

Melts

2010-03-05T12:06:00.001+08:00

I love this song, and the way it was brought across.

Resolutions

2010-02-13T00:52:00.003+08:00

This comes a little late..but I haven't been really diligent to sit down and pen my thoughts about the previous year on my blog..I guess that now I've 'grown up' and everything, all my extra time goes to sleeping and doing unproductive things rather than to think..but I know if I don't pen them down here, I'm just gonna regret it next year.

As I mentioned in some post in January, the motto of Year 2010 would be:

PUT GOD FIRST

In everything I do in this year..let me remember to put God first..

When I'm stressed out at work, I remember that I'm working hard to serve God first..when I dunno whether to stay here or find another job, I will strive to hear what God says first..before I make any major decisions, let me consult God first..

In my relationships..though I might like someone, I shall rmb that God comes first..i shall not make any moves but strive to remain status quo, to rmb that only He knows whats the next best move and I shall not spoil His romantic story for me by putting my own finishing touches..

In my friendships, I will strive to put God first by loving my friends more than myself..like how I would whine but in the end still stick to decisions to obey God, i will strive to do that with my friends..so friends, your concerns are my concerns :) I might not agree with everything you are doing, but I will try to be a good friend. but if you see me being really pissed off, let me alone by myself for awhile, or I might just shoot off something nasty which I don't really mean.

Year 2009 was a year of recovery..I spent a good 9-10 months recovering from the most shittiest period of my life thus far..it was an emotional roller-coaster which I will never forget..though I can't really rmb the pain or sadness at those points in time..I rmb the effects they had on me..but through it all, I say with utter conviction that I've grown stronger..my inner spiritual woman has toughen, and I realise now that I can persevere through many things that I wasn't aware of..I'm no longer a quitter :) And I thank God for letting my learn this impt lesson in life.

i honestly can't think much now, cos my brain's shutting down..i shall continue this another time then..

to year 2010, I can't wait to be happy and joyful again!

Secrets From Above

2010-02-07T11:27:00.001+08:00

It's no secret that I adore good looking guys..they say beauty is in
the eye of beholder, and some ppl might not agree with my definition
of a good looking guy - small eyes, thin lips, tall, preferably skinny
or lean, and fair.

I realise that these are physical traits that I do not have..maybe
that's why they say opposites attract. And this is why, I've totally
fallen for Seung Hyun from FT Island, who is a freaking 18 years old.

But reading a passage in Acts reminded me of a single very impt rule
of thumb - Nothing that is not of God will last.

I guess I've wasted loads of time gushing over incredibly cute guys
over YouTube whom I'll probably never get to meet. The distorted image
of beauty portrayed by the media has somewhat tinted my perception of
how my future husband should look like.

I should spend those time beautifying my inner self and pray that if
God permits, my fairytale wedding might come true.

Life. It's full of twists and turns. Who knows what or who I'll meet
at the next bend.

At a standstill

2010-01-27T22:01:00.000+08:00

Just met sheep and had a long enjoyable time with her :) We're gonna
start having exciting shepherdings at exciting places more often right?!

Things seem to be quieter right now..I think I shld go home and have a
serious talk with God..since that night where I threw a huge tantrum
at Him saying "Not yet" to my request for a change in jobs, I haven
really taken time to go back, apologize for my burst of anger and work
things out amicably.

Wait, amicably? I don't think mi and God ever work things out amicably
cos He always asks me to do things which I don't like..and we end up
having a huge quarrel..and most of the time, well, everytime in fact,
I lose :(

It seems like it's another one of those times..as each day passes by,
it feels like I'm losing the fight to quit my job..and the various
arguments I have collated to state my case seem to be a little weak
now..crap.

It seems the big old guy up there has been around far longer than me
to know what's better for me.

I have the most caring God ever.

Choices

2010-01-24T17:36:00.001+08:00

Choices - opportunities or troubles?

Choices make ppl confuse. Actually, I think emotions make people more confuse.

Forget Me Not

2010-01-19T22:48:00.001+08:00

Dear Lord,

Have you forgotten about me? Please don't forget about me. Cos I'm
having so much trouble holding on.

When will you deliver me?

My head's gonna explode. It's so painful.

Affairs of the heart

2010-01-18T00:54:00.000+08:00

I'm scared of my feelings. I should have kept them dormant.

Feelings confuse everything.

After some time

2010-01-04T20:04:00.001+08:00

Haven been working with wenjun for quite a while so there were not
many bimbo moments.

So here's one after some time.

Me: I don't think I can run tonight already.
Wj: Why??! you go home now only 9 o clock. you run only 30 mins, so
930..den what r u going to do till 11.30 before you sleep?
Me: I plan to sleep by 11..and today is going home Monday so I plan to
do my reflections today.
Wj: ok so from 930 to 11 got 1 and a half hrs, u tink u gonna do a one
and a half hr reflection meh?
Me: Yes! why not!
Wj: ok lor, that means you still can run at 9. good job!
Me: AHHH! I fell into your trap! IDIOT!

Year 2010 is gonna be fun

2010-01-03T23:56:00.001+08:00

Application point of 2010:

PUT GOD FIRST

Let's roll!

Neo Na Pun Nyeo Ja Ya

2009-12-31T17:06:00.002+08:00

Many people have been asking me how did I cry so much during the Christmas drama. And many people who have seen me watch some video on my iPhone before the teary scene also asks me what was I watching that helped me to cry.

Well to solve the mystery, here it is.

So sad! Don't cry Lee Hong Ki!!

The Year Ahead

2009-12-29T12:25:00.002+08:00

I am kinda excited for the year 2010. 2009 didn't start out really well, and I spent the major part of 2009 in quite a depressed and suffocated fashion. But the good thing of being Jinqi is that, after moving on, I really can't remember how sad, how down, how broken or how depressed I was.

I remember a tinge of all those depressing emotions, but I can't remember the full extent of it anymore. It's a good thing perhaps., because if I carry the scars of life, I would never be able to move on properly and enjoy the small little blessings that come along :)

Funny though, that although the mind has forgotten the negative feelings, the body doesn't forget just as fast. I dun feel anything anymore, but somehow my body still reacts as though I do. It's kinda like an instinctive thing, a habit maybe. Some things have become a habit, and I need to slowly undo these actions.

To compliment myself a little, I am somewhat proud of myself in 2009. I'm proud that I stayed true to my very core beliefs, I'm proud that I didn't push the blame to others, I'm proud that I didn't lie to everyone and pretended that I'm ok, I'm proud that I pulled through the shitty times being totally real and myself.

I'm proud to be Jinqi :)

Though I've found out how totally cui my real self was, I've also delved a little bit more into understand how totally wonderful God is. Because I like that statement, I shall repeat it again.

I Have Found Out A Little Bit More About How Wonderful God Is.

And I pray, I will never let anything come into my life and separate me from the love of God again.

2010 seems exciting. I wonder what is in store for me :) First up, I need to reconcile with a friend. You know who you are!

The Day

2009-12-25T03:30:00.002+08:00

Today is the day I found out that a person can really run out of tears.

On another note, today is also the day I found out that if God wants to make something good out of something seemingly bad, He can.

Oops

2009-12-22T18:46:00.000+08:00

Crap I've got one of my bosses on Twitter and I've been happily
tweeting abt finding a new job opening there.

So,twitter's switched to private now till I find a new job.

Sorry to all my stalkers, you've got to bear with it for a while!

Random Thoughts To Keep The Mind Awake

2009-12-21T11:44:00.003+08:00

I still can't figure out how to get the title of my blog post to show up on the template! ARGH! anyone knows how to fix it?

Going to work everyday is a real challenge. It's a challenge not to let my joyous spirit be dampened by the negative atmosphere at work, a challenge not to let my brain cells rot while sitting in the office with nothing to do and hence turning to facebook games, and a challenge to constantly remind myself that Jesus is LORD.

Hence, in order to keep my brain working, I decided to post about my learnings in QT today. And according to my mood, I might get the oomph to write about other happenings in my life too.

John 16:21-22 says:

"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

It amazes me at how Jesus is able to describe things so aptly using analogies that we have experienced or have seen others experiencing. Don't we all see in the movies how this expectant mother screams and shrieks in pain while giving birth, portraying how immensely horrible that pain must be. And immediately after the baby is out, the mother is overwhelmed by such a feeling of joy and happyness that she forgets the pain.

I've been feeling really stressed lately due to a lot of situations in my life that are happening at the same time, resulting in my feeling so pressed down and helpless. Accumulation of tiny stresses in every part of my life is somewhat a new feeling. I mean, if only one part of your life is on some shaky ground, at least you can take comfort in knowing that there are other parts that are still somewhat standing strong. So you can just focus your energy onto that one part that is not doing so well, or if you want to take a break, you can focus on other parts that are doing well and be momentarily happy.

But I couldnt, cos everywhere I turned, everywhere seemed to be unstable and insecure. So I just swallowed down all the stress and it kept piling up and up and up. Sometimes I think that there might never be an end to this period of my life, and I just get so depressed and downcast. But today, I shall be encouraged. All these are only my light and momentary troubles, and once my perseverance has yielded the fruit that God intends for me, my joy will be so great that I'll forget this down period in my life.

"Trust in God, Trust also in me," says Jesus.

Yes, I trust in my LORD. My life is yours :D

Always Be Mine

2009-12-17T22:29:00.001+08:00

If I ever lose my power to fly,
then Your love takes me high.
I'll always be true to You.

Sometimes I think I might lose it all,
guess the chances are small.
Cos You hold me close,
I feel You near.
Dont let go,
say You'll always be here
Just hold me tight and I'll be fine,
dreaming You'll always be mine.